it is the tail end of advent season. with this past sunday being the sunday of the angel. or peace sunday. or love sunday. all beautiful and wonderful names for one day of celebration for the ultimate beginning. for the very coming of Love and the peace on earth that Love brought and continues to bring.
it is christmastime. and i have been singing songs that declare the tidings of joy, of reconciliation, of emmanuel - the very God of the universe with us. it doesn't get any more mysterious, beautiful, or wonderful than that.
i have found myself thinking about confession more, as i have been confessing that Christ is Lord. through songs, hymns, recording projects, gifts, celebrations, love and relationship.
a few weeks ago, i spoke in chapel at the university i just graduated from. the one that forced me into silence through intimidation and shame. the one i strategically and miraculously rebelled against in small ways, through speaking anyway. through letting people know me anyway. through conversations and gentle corrections and sometimes passionate rebukes.
when i spoke, i spoke on confession. it was very brief, and conversational in tone. i'm not an expert.
i talked about confession in the context of love and relationship. about how true relationship means, as one church website put it, "forever saying we are sorry."
i talked about how confession in relationship also means confessing what is good, what is beautiful, and what is true.
i talked about how confession breaks through isolation, read a quote from dietrich bonhoeffer that says "sin would have a man (or a woman) alone..."
what i did not say, but would have if i had been safe to, is how important confession is for people like me. for gay people.
not because we are in sin.
but because we are so often alone.
being alone and living in shame leaves a scar.
my therapist said something to me a couple months ago that has stuck with me. he said, "charity, we are the only people group in the world that have to fight to feel good about loving who we love."
that fight to feel good has it's own weariness. and i have so often grown weary and tired.
last night, i had a dream that has become all too familiar to me. it is a recurring dream. a dream about trying to hide something shameful and dirty. but being forced to put it in the open where everyone can see it... last night, the dream was more intense than ever.
i know where it comes from. it comes from hiding a part of me i was once ashamed of. even though i am coming out more and more everyday, and even though i now see the lesbian part of me as beautiful and wonderfully made: i still live in the effects of years of shame. i still bear the scar of secrecy and loneliness. of silence rather than confession.
i have also found wonderful healing and great joy in sharing, in confessing all of who i am. in sharing in my joy of loving someone who is also a woman. in speaking about the type of partnership i want to have. in talking about my unique perspective.
i have experienced being loved. and i have listened to repentant friends and colleagues say "i am sorry" for words and actions which they did not know hurt me. many times, we both received love and forgiveness and celebrated reconciliation with one another.
in order for reconciliation to occur, confession must be present.
confession makes room for healing and connection for ourselves and for our relationships and community.
we, who are gay or lesbian must confess/share who we are. there must be communities of safety and love where we experience the freedom to do this. to confess our love. to confess our experience. to confess the things that have wounded us and to confess the ways in which we have sometimes failed to love or be loved.
we, who are the church must confess our transgressions. we must strive to create communities of safety and love where everyone gay or straight can experience the freedom of truly being known and loved. we must confess our love. and confess the things that get in the way of our love. and ask for forgiveness for the wounds we have caused and for our failures to love or be loved.
we all must live a confessional life together. in true relationship. have difficult conversations and thus take our relationships with one another to a deeper and more intimate level as a community and body. we must confess, together, the truth and beauty of love and faith. confess, together, that Love conquers all. that Love is the reason. that we carry that Love in us.
when we creatively live a confessional life together, the floodgates of love and justice will pour out in hope and peace.
the bindings of secrecy and shame will be broken, and the chains will begin to fall off of us all - the oppressed and the oppressors.
sharp tongues will learn gentleness and will drip with correcting love instead of hatred and bigotry.
the lonely will find a warm embrace and the afraid will find shelter.
and the advent of christ will continue through us. bringing his mustard seed kingdom in the now but not yet, invading the way we have known life without really living. and growing and infiltrating the spaces of silence until a resounding chorus builds into echoes of mercy, forgiveness, hope and Love
in everlasting joy and peace.
may it ever be so.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
out
hi,
my name is charity. and i love jesus. i pray i leave the fragrance of God everywhere i go. that people see God's love more than they see me.
my name is charity. and i am a lesbian. i love women. i have had the great joy of loving someone who is the same gender as me, even if we aren't together in that way now. one day, i will commit to one other woman as my life partner. and i will love her fully.
my name is charity. and i am reconciliation. i am change. i am hope. i am love.
my name is charity. i'm loved. and i'm hiding less and less. and i am loved. so loved.
i'm coming out... in the process...
and i'm shutting that closet door for good.
my name is charity. and i love jesus. i pray i leave the fragrance of God everywhere i go. that people see God's love more than they see me.
my name is charity. and i am a lesbian. i love women. i have had the great joy of loving someone who is the same gender as me, even if we aren't together in that way now. one day, i will commit to one other woman as my life partner. and i will love her fully.
my name is charity. and i am reconciliation. i am change. i am hope. i am love.
my name is charity. i'm loved. and i'm hiding less and less. and i am loved. so loved.
i'm coming out... in the process...
and i'm shutting that closet door for good.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
silence
yes, i have been silent lately.
it is reflective, because, honestly friends...
i am unsure of what to say.
i hurt so deeply. i want to give up.
i know i can't.
a friend gave me a card and thanked me for being real, for my authenticity.
i can't give up.
i'm less than 2 weeks away from freedom from the institution which keeps me silent. silences me. and i will be leaving it knowing i have not been completely silent. that i have touched lives. that i have brought change. that i am leaving it better than i found it.
then i will be silent for a moment. so i can hear the sound of out. the sound of no forced secrets. the sound of me.
it is reflective, because, honestly friends...
i am unsure of what to say.
i hurt so deeply. i want to give up.
i know i can't.
a friend gave me a card and thanked me for being real, for my authenticity.
i can't give up.
i'm less than 2 weeks away from freedom from the institution which keeps me silent. silences me. and i will be leaving it knowing i have not been completely silent. that i have touched lives. that i have brought change. that i am leaving it better than i found it.
then i will be silent for a moment. so i can hear the sound of out. the sound of no forced secrets. the sound of me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
value(s)
i was thinking last night about an argument against gay marriage
the statement that the majority of people in the united states of america are against it
and the second statement that usually follows
the one that goes something like, "america was founded on judeo-christian values"
i was thinking about some problems i have with this line of thought
it is a sad world when a majority in-power group dictates the rights and freedoms of the not-in-power minority.
it is an even sadder world when those who profess to follow Christ join in the discrimination and contribute to the error.
especially when Christ challenged authority figures more than he challenged anyone...
even prostitutes and tax collectors...
he certainly didn't challenge women for being women. even though they were not in power. even though they were considered less than. even though their rights and freedoms were limited by the in-power group.
instead, he elevated them...
Christ did that a lot actually... elevated the people who most of society considered riff-raff, ragamuffins, to borrow a term from brennan manning. some of these people he elevated were sick. some of them were in deep sin, living lives that wounded themselves and others. some of them were simply born the "wrong" gender.
i say all of this because i realize non-gay people tend to put us in one of the above categories. some believe we are sick and just need treatment or healing to become non-gay. some people think we choose to live a lifestyle of sin, while others think we are prone to a sinful nature but do not have to act on it. some believe we were just born this way.
for those who profess to follow Christ, i humbly submit a request to please follow his example. that the judeo-christian value is valuing others. to give value to those who are different than us. to those who have not been valued. to elevate them. no matter which category they are perceived to be in.
it's christian duty. to value. and never to use "values" as a tool for oppression. that is devaluing.
here i am, typing all of this on a computer at an institution that stands against me. an institution that claims to be a place where Christ is king.
certainly, Christ is king. he is king of those of us who are broken. king of us outcasts.
for we who are black sheep,
he
is
our
shepherd...
i wish for Christ's kingdom to be made known. so that we are valued. for the body to begin to value. and elevate.
what if lesbian and gay people were loved, cherished, and respected by the church? what if the church led the fight for equality and condemned hate instead of staying silent or perpetuating it through the church's own brand of hatred?
i know this might seem like an optimistic, against all possibility hope beyond hope...
but i don't think so.
if the very God of the universe can touch a leper,
my professor who uses the word "flamer" in class can hug a gay person.
if the One who is able to keep us from falling can have lunch with a tax collector or let a prostitute wash his feet and wipe them with her hair,
my classmate who says "God made adam and eve not adam and steve" can share a meal with a lesbian... (and some of them have without knowing it).
if Jesus chose mary magdalene as a disciple,
the president of my university can listen to me or people like me with an open heart and mind
i pray for that day. i wait and hope.
i have to keep believing.
surely...
goodness and mercy
and love, the ultimate value, will win.
the statement that the majority of people in the united states of america are against it
and the second statement that usually follows
the one that goes something like, "america was founded on judeo-christian values"
i was thinking about some problems i have with this line of thought
it is a sad world when a majority in-power group dictates the rights and freedoms of the not-in-power minority.
it is an even sadder world when those who profess to follow Christ join in the discrimination and contribute to the error.
especially when Christ challenged authority figures more than he challenged anyone...
even prostitutes and tax collectors...
he certainly didn't challenge women for being women. even though they were not in power. even though they were considered less than. even though their rights and freedoms were limited by the in-power group.
instead, he elevated them...
Christ did that a lot actually... elevated the people who most of society considered riff-raff, ragamuffins, to borrow a term from brennan manning. some of these people he elevated were sick. some of them were in deep sin, living lives that wounded themselves and others. some of them were simply born the "wrong" gender.
i say all of this because i realize non-gay people tend to put us in one of the above categories. some believe we are sick and just need treatment or healing to become non-gay. some people think we choose to live a lifestyle of sin, while others think we are prone to a sinful nature but do not have to act on it. some believe we were just born this way.
for those who profess to follow Christ, i humbly submit a request to please follow his example. that the judeo-christian value is valuing others. to give value to those who are different than us. to those who have not been valued. to elevate them. no matter which category they are perceived to be in.
it's christian duty. to value. and never to use "values" as a tool for oppression. that is devaluing.
here i am, typing all of this on a computer at an institution that stands against me. an institution that claims to be a place where Christ is king.
certainly, Christ is king. he is king of those of us who are broken. king of us outcasts.
for we who are black sheep,
he
is
our
shepherd...
i wish for Christ's kingdom to be made known. so that we are valued. for the body to begin to value. and elevate.
what if lesbian and gay people were loved, cherished, and respected by the church? what if the church led the fight for equality and condemned hate instead of staying silent or perpetuating it through the church's own brand of hatred?
i know this might seem like an optimistic, against all possibility hope beyond hope...
but i don't think so.
if the very God of the universe can touch a leper,
my professor who uses the word "flamer" in class can hug a gay person.
if the One who is able to keep us from falling can have lunch with a tax collector or let a prostitute wash his feet and wipe them with her hair,
my classmate who says "God made adam and eve not adam and steve" can share a meal with a lesbian... (and some of them have without knowing it).
if Jesus chose mary magdalene as a disciple,
the president of my university can listen to me or people like me with an open heart and mind
i pray for that day. i wait and hope.
i have to keep believing.
surely...
goodness and mercy
and love, the ultimate value, will win.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
embrace
this morning, i feel a sense of urgency
urgency to rise from ashes
to take off the torn rags
to sing once again
to run
urgency to embrace who i am
more fully
more passionately
more publicly
i'm limited in how out i can be
because of my place of work
but a simple step struck me this morning
ever since i began this blog,
i have been known on here by my first initial (C.)
and then the description: A Black Sheep
it is important to note that i still feel like a black sheep
and i will certainly continue to write here and work toward reconciliation and justice for my communities - all of them.
but if you look back on old posts, you will see a post called "name"
those of you who know me, know what a pivotal moment that was for me.
and now for a new moment.
this moment, i will embrace that name
love
and yes, i still identify with the oppressed
my heart still bleeds and longs for true relationship to form across the divides
only now when i sign my name,
it will be the name God, Love named me
my name is love...
and i am so loved...
urgency to rise from ashes
to take off the torn rags
to sing once again
to run
urgency to embrace who i am
more fully
more passionately
more publicly
i'm limited in how out i can be
because of my place of work
but a simple step struck me this morning
ever since i began this blog,
i have been known on here by my first initial (C.)
and then the description: A Black Sheep
it is important to note that i still feel like a black sheep
and i will certainly continue to write here and work toward reconciliation and justice for my communities - all of them.
but if you look back on old posts, you will see a post called "name"
those of you who know me, know what a pivotal moment that was for me.
and now for a new moment.
this moment, i will embrace that name
love
and yes, i still identify with the oppressed
my heart still bleeds and longs for true relationship to form across the divides
only now when i sign my name,
it will be the name God, Love named me
my name is love...
and i am so loved...
Friday, October 8, 2010
live creatively (in part :: the second)
we often talk about about wanting to change the world. the truth is that we all change the world every day, for better or for worse. we do it in little actions, in little omissions. in the things we say, and in the things we do not say.
words to a friend (with a small edit for my writer's ego). but words to us all.
i go further in my thoughts as i reflect on words of wisdom i find hard to believe came from me.
i think about how every morning, there is newness and possibility. i think about how we make little decisions throughout the day, and how every thing we do affects someone else. the coffee i drink affects the retailer, the roaster, the farmer. the people who live near the farm.
it is like chaos theory, like the butterfly effect. constantly.
and so we must live creatively. to do the creative best with what we have.
this weekend, i had hoped to be a part of a coming out/solidarity service organized by a dear friend and co-journeyer. though i am unable to go and participate in person, i will be cheering her on from a distance. and participating through support and love and finding creative ways to do so.
let every decision i make, every little action and every omission, every word and every silence change the world for good. so that justice will flow like a mighty river. beginning with this vessel of peace. and may you, too. and may we be unstoppable forces for creative living and change.
words to a friend (with a small edit for my writer's ego). but words to us all.
i go further in my thoughts as i reflect on words of wisdom i find hard to believe came from me.
i think about how every morning, there is newness and possibility. i think about how we make little decisions throughout the day, and how every thing we do affects someone else. the coffee i drink affects the retailer, the roaster, the farmer. the people who live near the farm.
it is like chaos theory, like the butterfly effect. constantly.
and so we must live creatively. to do the creative best with what we have.
this weekend, i had hoped to be a part of a coming out/solidarity service organized by a dear friend and co-journeyer. though i am unable to go and participate in person, i will be cheering her on from a distance. and participating through support and love and finding creative ways to do so.
let every decision i make, every little action and every omission, every word and every silence change the world for good. so that justice will flow like a mighty river. beginning with this vessel of peace. and may you, too. and may we be unstoppable forces for creative living and change.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
live creatively (in part: the first)
i am so incredibly tired.
i am tired of “fighting the good fight.” of forgiving. of being patient. of sacrifice.
i’m tired of pain. tired of a broken heart which has been shattered like window panes assaulted by stones. i’m tired of the anger, the frustration, the failure. of the pain in my chest, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat.
i am weary.
tonight, i thought of a verse… do not grow weary in doing good. i was thinking about how weary i am of being good. how weary i am of seeing other people reap the benefits of my goodness while i am alone. i feel selfish saying it, but it is true.
then i looked up the verse in galatians 6, and more hot tears filled my eyes.
from “the message”…
1-3 live creatively, friends. if someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. you might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. share their burdens, and so complete christ's law. if you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
4-5make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don't be impressed with yourself. don't compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
6be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.
7-8don't be misled: no one makes a fool of god. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring god!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he'll have to show for his life is weeds! but the one who plants in response to god, letting god's spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
9-10so let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
i needed this. tonight. on september 29, 2010 around 7 pm. i needed it.
i want to live more creatively. maybe that is the answer.
god, oh, god… i need you now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
finds me
with the new day i am realizing a wonderful and terrible truth that terrifies me.
we cannot escape love.
everytime i try, i am drawn in once again.
when i feel like putting my hands up in surrender, i find it's love that has me captive.
in the moments when i fall from weariness
it's love that catches me.
in the darkness,
it's love that gives me my bearings.
when i rebel
it's love that disciplines me.
when i run,
love pursues me.
and when i am lost,
love finds me.
we cannot escape love.
everytime i try, i am drawn in once again.
when i feel like putting my hands up in surrender, i find it's love that has me captive.
in the moments when i fall from weariness
it's love that catches me.
in the darkness,
it's love that gives me my bearings.
when i rebel
it's love that disciplines me.
when i run,
love pursues me.
and when i am lost,
love finds me.
Monday, September 27, 2010
clearing of the trees
i feel like my world is falling apart. but maybe it should. maybe i need to build a new world.
yesterday, i went for a walk in the woods. many of the trees there had been cut down. i wondered about hope for them. and struggled with the tension of preventing forest fires by clearing some of the land and my desire for preserving trees that were centuries old. i touched the stump of a great red oak. i felt like crying.
i found a beautiful clearing in a boulder field. natural wonders. i wanted to stay and i thought about walden and thoreau and other examples of living simply. i thought about how i could do something similar in that spot. i thought about how connected i want to be with creation, with the natural world.
i wondered if i should remove myself from people for a bit. i figured out how much i long for relationships. i figured out how much i do to fit in. i figured out how much i do because i think it will win approval and respect. i thought about how i am not that person.
today, everything is in a whirlpool, swirling in the depths, and i can't swim. i'm drowning.
everything is in a whirlwind. it is in a funnel cloud. and i cannot fly. i'm falling.
i feel like i am reaching for something to hold on to, but i don't know what to grab.
i don't even know where i've been or who i've been.
all i know is that i loved.
for better or worse. and i fear the worst.
all i know is i am shaken. because i, who have been so full of love, and named love
have in my efforts to love
failed.
i am at a loss. i don't know what to do or say. i cannot make this better. and i know it.
it is an uncomfortable knowing, to be so fallible.
i feel like a fool. who had everyone fooled.
i feel like retreating. but i know not when where or how.
i am stuck.
maybe everything needed to be cut down. even the things i thought were beautiful. was i deceived? did i deceive? myself? others? was i just misguided? was i even wrong at all? or was i right? does it matter now?
maybe i need to have a clearing. so i can change my life. so i can work for good.
have i been working for good? or have i been working for evil?
how am i to know? i thought i was working for good... i was so sure of it...
now, i am not.
all i talk about and say is love. because it is the one thing i know is true. but today, i am making the decision to believe in it because it doesn't feel so natural right now. but i have to believe in love. because Love is all i have and all i am. i am nothing without it. without Love Loveself.
i'm holding on, nails dug into the rock face.
trying to regain a place to stand. a place to speak and live love.
and i am breathing. wondering, silently, if i will fall.
yesterday, i went for a walk in the woods. many of the trees there had been cut down. i wondered about hope for them. and struggled with the tension of preventing forest fires by clearing some of the land and my desire for preserving trees that were centuries old. i touched the stump of a great red oak. i felt like crying.
i found a beautiful clearing in a boulder field. natural wonders. i wanted to stay and i thought about walden and thoreau and other examples of living simply. i thought about how i could do something similar in that spot. i thought about how connected i want to be with creation, with the natural world.
i wondered if i should remove myself from people for a bit. i figured out how much i long for relationships. i figured out how much i do to fit in. i figured out how much i do because i think it will win approval and respect. i thought about how i am not that person.
today, everything is in a whirlpool, swirling in the depths, and i can't swim. i'm drowning.
everything is in a whirlwind. it is in a funnel cloud. and i cannot fly. i'm falling.
i feel like i am reaching for something to hold on to, but i don't know what to grab.
i don't even know where i've been or who i've been.
all i know is that i loved.
for better or worse. and i fear the worst.
all i know is i am shaken. because i, who have been so full of love, and named love
have in my efforts to love
failed.
i am at a loss. i don't know what to do or say. i cannot make this better. and i know it.
it is an uncomfortable knowing, to be so fallible.
i feel like a fool. who had everyone fooled.
i feel like retreating. but i know not when where or how.
i am stuck.
maybe everything needed to be cut down. even the things i thought were beautiful. was i deceived? did i deceive? myself? others? was i just misguided? was i even wrong at all? or was i right? does it matter now?
maybe i need to have a clearing. so i can change my life. so i can work for good.
have i been working for good? or have i been working for evil?
how am i to know? i thought i was working for good... i was so sure of it...
now, i am not.
all i talk about and say is love. because it is the one thing i know is true. but today, i am making the decision to believe in it because it doesn't feel so natural right now. but i have to believe in love. because Love is all i have and all i am. i am nothing without it. without Love Loveself.
i'm holding on, nails dug into the rock face.
trying to regain a place to stand. a place to speak and live love.
and i am breathing. wondering, silently, if i will fall.
Monday, September 13, 2010
unsettled
tonight i am thinking about an exodus... i don't know if i will leave or not. but i know it is time for a change. something is being renewed and it is time for some transition and change.
i need to exit the world of academia, the world of evangelical extremism/terrorism, the world of the south, the world of hate...
today, i was walking to my truck and a hawk flew into a tree about 25 feet in front of me. when i got to the tree, i stood under it and just looked up til i spotted her. i looked her in the eyes for a while and just watched her... it took my breath away.
last thursday night, a beautiful person i love beyond my understanding was upset and i held her for a couple minutes and it touched my heart in a way that it still isn't the same. and it wrecked me and healed me all at once...
that same night, i talked with a room full of 18 yr old girls about the experience of being a woman and about what it means to let down our guards, go deeper, and relate to one another...
even later that night, i wrote a lullaby for that dear friend i held, and i have been singing it ever since...
those are the worlds i want to live in.
the ache is deep and growing deeper...
and i am more and more restless and unsettled...
i need to exit the world of academia, the world of evangelical extremism/terrorism, the world of the south, the world of hate...
today, i was walking to my truck and a hawk flew into a tree about 25 feet in front of me. when i got to the tree, i stood under it and just looked up til i spotted her. i looked her in the eyes for a while and just watched her... it took my breath away.
last thursday night, a beautiful person i love beyond my understanding was upset and i held her for a couple minutes and it touched my heart in a way that it still isn't the same. and it wrecked me and healed me all at once...
that same night, i talked with a room full of 18 yr old girls about the experience of being a woman and about what it means to let down our guards, go deeper, and relate to one another...
even later that night, i wrote a lullaby for that dear friend i held, and i have been singing it ever since...
those are the worlds i want to live in.
the ache is deep and growing deeper...
and i am more and more restless and unsettled...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
renewal
i am still working through recent happenings and conversations. there have been rifts, and there have been reconciliations. i have had my hand held during difficult moments. and i have been able to hold someone in hers.
this morning i awoke and soon heard the sound of rain on my roof.
it makes me think of washing away impurities. on this beautiful new day morning.
the word in my mind is renewal. and i am seeing it in every area of my life.
renewal is a process and a moment all in one.
a series of new beginnings and a shift in direction.
a re-creation.
i am thankful for the renewals in my life. the ones that have come out of good and the ones that have come out of me trying to make sense of good in the midst of evil and pain.
there is a renewal of love.
love for God.
love for others.
love for me.
love for life.
there is a renewal of the spirit to spread renewal.
and with every drop of rain i hear and every breath i take in, i feel my soul renewed and energized to go out and change the world around me. for better. and for love. and for Love.
this morning i awoke and soon heard the sound of rain on my roof.
it makes me think of washing away impurities. on this beautiful new day morning.
the word in my mind is renewal. and i am seeing it in every area of my life.
renewal is a process and a moment all in one.
a series of new beginnings and a shift in direction.
a re-creation.
i am thankful for the renewals in my life. the ones that have come out of good and the ones that have come out of me trying to make sense of good in the midst of evil and pain.
there is a renewal of love.
love for God.
love for others.
love for me.
love for life.
there is a renewal of the spirit to spread renewal.
and with every drop of rain i hear and every breath i take in, i feel my soul renewed and energized to go out and change the world around me. for better. and for love. and for Love.
Monday, September 6, 2010
3 am
i just want to sleep...
but instead it is 3am and i cannot stop crying. my heart is racing, and i feel like a panic attack is coming on.
why?
because they don't get it. the people who should.
i wonder why i am so hurt. all the talk of "sin" and "same-sex attraction" and such is nothing new. i have sat in class after class and listened to speaker after speaker say the same thing for the past several years...
i wondered if i have grown weaker somehow...
but, i think it is because i am actually stronger. i finally love myself now. and i cannot tolerate anyone, any thought, any action that threatens or degrades my identity.
how hard is it to get that my identity is in christ just as much as anyone else's but that my being a lesbian is also core to who i am?
i am starting to wonder if i can fight this fight much longer... i feel like i need to get out of here. it is only hurting me.
i need to say some things, knowing the people that need to hear them probably will never lay eyes on this blog...
i am not abnormal or pathological.
i do not have a disease.
my love is not sinful.
i am wonderfully and fearfully made.
i bear the image of God.
my love is beautiful.
i love being a follower of christ, and i love being a lesbian.
i love being a lesbian, and i love following christ.
i devote my life to god, no less
i will commit to one woman oneday- to love, honor, and cherish her for as long as we live
and it all does go together - and i am proof of it.
i am ready to separate myself from those who continue to wound me, from institutions which are set against me and to walk in freedom at last. not only am i ready, i see now that i have no choice.
but instead it is 3am and i cannot stop crying. my heart is racing, and i feel like a panic attack is coming on.
why?
because they don't get it. the people who should.
i wonder why i am so hurt. all the talk of "sin" and "same-sex attraction" and such is nothing new. i have sat in class after class and listened to speaker after speaker say the same thing for the past several years...
i wondered if i have grown weaker somehow...
but, i think it is because i am actually stronger. i finally love myself now. and i cannot tolerate anyone, any thought, any action that threatens or degrades my identity.
how hard is it to get that my identity is in christ just as much as anyone else's but that my being a lesbian is also core to who i am?
i am starting to wonder if i can fight this fight much longer... i feel like i need to get out of here. it is only hurting me.
i need to say some things, knowing the people that need to hear them probably will never lay eyes on this blog...
i am not abnormal or pathological.
i do not have a disease.
my love is not sinful.
i am wonderfully and fearfully made.
i bear the image of God.
my love is beautiful.
i love being a follower of christ, and i love being a lesbian.
i love being a lesbian, and i love following christ.
i devote my life to god, no less
i will commit to one woman oneday- to love, honor, and cherish her for as long as we live
and it all does go together - and i am proof of it.
i am ready to separate myself from those who continue to wound me, from institutions which are set against me and to walk in freedom at last. not only am i ready, i see now that i have no choice.
Friday, September 3, 2010
call and response
a while back ago, i wrote a liturgy... please feel free to share it. use it. critique it.
it's a prayer of repentance, reconciliation, and resolve. i didn't mean to make it happen in 3's but to me that reflects the trinity, who i addressed in the first line... the way it builds is reflective of a crescendo in musical terms, also not on purpose, and the ending is reflective of a fermata, again, just happened. but i like it that way, and you have to hear or see the whole thing to get that effect.
First line is the call. In parentheses is the response...
Father, Son, and Spirit
(We repent for our silence)
Concerning injustices in our own nation and abroad
(We repent for our silence)
Concerning injustices that happen outside and inside Your Body, the Church
(We repent for our silence)
In turning away from our sins of omission
(We will be aware and act)
In turning away from our sins of commission
(We will work for restoration)
In turning away from our sins of rejection
(We will welcome)
To the homeless, the immigrant, and the refugee
(Welcome home)
To the prostitute, the battered, and the emotionally broken
(You are loved )
To those who are gay or lesbian and to those who have had abortions
(You are our brothers and our sisters)
For all who are oppressed
(We will pray without ceasing)
For those who are oppressors
(We will pray without ceasing)
For oppression to end
(We will pray and we will act)
Let grace and mercy abound
(We throw away our stones)
We throw away our stones
(Let grace and mercy abound)
All:
Let justice flow
Let it start with us
Let justice flow
Let it start with us
it's a prayer of repentance, reconciliation, and resolve. i didn't mean to make it happen in 3's but to me that reflects the trinity, who i addressed in the first line... the way it builds is reflective of a crescendo in musical terms, also not on purpose, and the ending is reflective of a fermata, again, just happened. but i like it that way, and you have to hear or see the whole thing to get that effect.
First line is the call. In parentheses is the response...
Father, Son, and Spirit
(We repent for our silence)
Concerning injustices in our own nation and abroad
(We repent for our silence)
Concerning injustices that happen outside and inside Your Body, the Church
(We repent for our silence)
In turning away from our sins of omission
(We will be aware and act)
In turning away from our sins of commission
(We will work for restoration)
In turning away from our sins of rejection
(We will welcome)
To the homeless, the immigrant, and the refugee
(Welcome home)
To the prostitute, the battered, and the emotionally broken
(You are loved )
To those who are gay or lesbian and to those who have had abortions
(You are our brothers and our sisters)
For all who are oppressed
(We will pray without ceasing)
For those who are oppressors
(We will pray without ceasing)
For oppression to end
(We will pray and we will act)
Let grace and mercy abound
(We throw away our stones)
We throw away our stones
(Let grace and mercy abound)
All:
Let justice flow
Let it start with us
Let justice flow
Let it start with us
Thursday, September 2, 2010
liturgy
i had lunch with a friend today. it had been too long since we last sat together. there was so much we caught up on. it was truly wonderful to reconnect with her.
after talking about our lives and where we are heading, we found ourselves talking about spirituality and the power of liturgy. and the beauty we find in it.
we talked about the sacredness and the connectedness in groups of people speaking the same words, and i had a thought come to me... words that have been spoken for generations. the apostle's creed, psalm 23, the nativity story, the easter story, the communion narrative...
then another thought...
do we not have unofficial liturgies which we speak daily? words that people all over the world have spoken and are speaking...
what of the liturgy of "i love you"?
i shared my thought with my friend and she played a little devil's advocate with me (she's so good at it) and made me think... just as we sometimes say creeds without engaging with the sacredness of the moment, haven't we made "i love you" into a statement that has lost its meaning - not treating it with the reverence and beauty it deserves?
what if we truly adopted a liturgy of love?
today, i was walking down the sidewalk at the university i attend and work at, thinking about all of this and thinking about a situation on campus where i am trying to share my perspective as a lesbian, and not being received by people i thought would receive me. i was snapped out of my thoughts when i heard several guys yelling right beside me. a car.
"bitch."
"whore."
"dyke."
all yelled in less than 2 seconds.
the car sped off.
it isn't the first time this has happened.
except the other time the phrase yelled was "fucking lesbian." and i was on the other side of the same street.
a liturgy of hate.
i am so angry. and i am scared. and i know it is time to break the silence about how gay and lesbian students are treated on my campus. but we can't say anything because we know how the administration feels about us... we are an "issue"... not only that, but an "issue" they would rather ignore, intellectualize, and keep in a place of invisibility and silence.
well, enough is enough. and it's been too much.
but i know i must act wisely and speak out within the context of love and community.
i also know i must speak out. despite my fears. and i must speak a liturgy of love and ask others to join me in it.
if we say "i love you" and mean it, and embrace the holiness and beauty of speaking those words and other liturgies of love, will we not drown out the creeds of hatred, malice, and violence? will we not assert together that love shall lead us? will we not connect to one another through words of love and actions of love so powerfully that the binding cannot be broken by hate?
does love not conquer and cover?
will you join me in overcoming hatred through action and breaking the silence?
and will you stand with me and speak with me: a liturgy of love?
after talking about our lives and where we are heading, we found ourselves talking about spirituality and the power of liturgy. and the beauty we find in it.
we talked about the sacredness and the connectedness in groups of people speaking the same words, and i had a thought come to me... words that have been spoken for generations. the apostle's creed, psalm 23, the nativity story, the easter story, the communion narrative...
then another thought...
do we not have unofficial liturgies which we speak daily? words that people all over the world have spoken and are speaking...
what of the liturgy of "i love you"?
i shared my thought with my friend and she played a little devil's advocate with me (she's so good at it) and made me think... just as we sometimes say creeds without engaging with the sacredness of the moment, haven't we made "i love you" into a statement that has lost its meaning - not treating it with the reverence and beauty it deserves?
what if we truly adopted a liturgy of love?
today, i was walking down the sidewalk at the university i attend and work at, thinking about all of this and thinking about a situation on campus where i am trying to share my perspective as a lesbian, and not being received by people i thought would receive me. i was snapped out of my thoughts when i heard several guys yelling right beside me. a car.
"bitch."
"whore."
"dyke."
all yelled in less than 2 seconds.
the car sped off.
it isn't the first time this has happened.
except the other time the phrase yelled was "fucking lesbian." and i was on the other side of the same street.
a liturgy of hate.
i am so angry. and i am scared. and i know it is time to break the silence about how gay and lesbian students are treated on my campus. but we can't say anything because we know how the administration feels about us... we are an "issue"... not only that, but an "issue" they would rather ignore, intellectualize, and keep in a place of invisibility and silence.
well, enough is enough. and it's been too much.
but i know i must act wisely and speak out within the context of love and community.
i also know i must speak out. despite my fears. and i must speak a liturgy of love and ask others to join me in it.
if we say "i love you" and mean it, and embrace the holiness and beauty of speaking those words and other liturgies of love, will we not drown out the creeds of hatred, malice, and violence? will we not assert together that love shall lead us? will we not connect to one another through words of love and actions of love so powerfully that the binding cannot be broken by hate?
does love not conquer and cover?
will you join me in overcoming hatred through action and breaking the silence?
and will you stand with me and speak with me: a liturgy of love?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
rebecca
tonight, i sat with rebecca, my acoustic electric guitar, and just stared up at the stars while singing songs, lines, and emotions... no pen or paper... no pressure to produce... just the raw moment.
i sang about words.
i sang about how they have cost me everything.
i sang about how i am trying to regain something, with words...
when i looked up at the stars, the juxtaposition of vastness and closeness broke my heart. it felt like muscle ripped in two inside my chest, only to be lifted by the remnant and pulled up into the heavens, as rebecca resounded in harmony with my voice, creating resonance both in and out of body.
there's this saying i heard when i was in high school: "sometimes the people you love the most hurt you the most." even as an adolescent, it was pretty simple for me to understand why: we put a lot of power into the hands of the people we most want love from.
i have certainly experienced this pain and i am under no delusion that tells me i will escape that sort of hurt from here on... however, it is another problem i am trying to understand... how is it that sometimes the people we most love are the ones we hurt? the precious ones... the ones we would die for or live for... the ones who make the stars shine a little brighter. the last people we would ever wish to harm in any way or for any reason. this is where i am. guilty. and ever so regretful and repentant.
i heard my voice crack with pain. the strings were letting out cries up and down the frets.
what do you do when you fuck it up? what do you do when part of who you are hurts people you love? when the way you are brings more harm than beauty? when you just missed it?
it feels like there is a song brewing about longings, but all that's coming out is pain and regrets. while inside is a list of desires a mile long.
and those stars...
they are tugging at my heart, making new cardiac strings with every pull. and then more pulls.
what does redemption look like?
reconciliation?
relationship?
re...
is something lost then found and there then here and gone then back again...?
regretful...
repentant...
is it enough?
rebecca.
sings.
when i can no longer.
when there are no words because words have failed me. and i am angry with them. full of them, yet unable to say the right ones. only the wrong ones.
resound.
i'm sorry...
i love you.
i'm very sorry...
i love... you.
i'm so
incredibly sorry.
i
love
you.
more than words can say...
deep blue sky and crickets joining me in my melodies. birds fly out of a nearby tree and across the street, taking my breath away with the sacredness of the moment.
regain.
composure. come inside. write it down. with words... my paint. my heart. my bane. my hope.
rebecca. held me as i held her tonight. as best a guitar i can, i think.
and her song will help me sleep. then awake to another day.
renewal.
i hope. i pray. i work. i long. i commit.
i love.
but i don't understand.
i sang about words.
i sang about how they have cost me everything.
i sang about how i am trying to regain something, with words...
when i looked up at the stars, the juxtaposition of vastness and closeness broke my heart. it felt like muscle ripped in two inside my chest, only to be lifted by the remnant and pulled up into the heavens, as rebecca resounded in harmony with my voice, creating resonance both in and out of body.
there's this saying i heard when i was in high school: "sometimes the people you love the most hurt you the most." even as an adolescent, it was pretty simple for me to understand why: we put a lot of power into the hands of the people we most want love from.
i have certainly experienced this pain and i am under no delusion that tells me i will escape that sort of hurt from here on... however, it is another problem i am trying to understand... how is it that sometimes the people we most love are the ones we hurt? the precious ones... the ones we would die for or live for... the ones who make the stars shine a little brighter. the last people we would ever wish to harm in any way or for any reason. this is where i am. guilty. and ever so regretful and repentant.
i heard my voice crack with pain. the strings were letting out cries up and down the frets.
what do you do when you fuck it up? what do you do when part of who you are hurts people you love? when the way you are brings more harm than beauty? when you just missed it?
it feels like there is a song brewing about longings, but all that's coming out is pain and regrets. while inside is a list of desires a mile long.
and those stars...
they are tugging at my heart, making new cardiac strings with every pull. and then more pulls.
what does redemption look like?
reconciliation?
relationship?
re...
is something lost then found and there then here and gone then back again...?
regretful...
repentant...
is it enough?
rebecca.
sings.
when i can no longer.
when there are no words because words have failed me. and i am angry with them. full of them, yet unable to say the right ones. only the wrong ones.
resound.
i'm sorry...
i love you.
i'm very sorry...
i love... you.
i'm so
incredibly sorry.
i
love
you.
more than words can say...
deep blue sky and crickets joining me in my melodies. birds fly out of a nearby tree and across the street, taking my breath away with the sacredness of the moment.
regain.
composure. come inside. write it down. with words... my paint. my heart. my bane. my hope.
rebecca. held me as i held her tonight. as best a guitar i can, i think.
and her song will help me sleep. then awake to another day.
renewal.
i hope. i pray. i work. i long. i commit.
i love.
but i don't understand.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
goodnight to you and me
nights are difficult.
i love the mornings.
cast off the worry for awhile
and rest in Love ever-present.
and love that has come.
and dream of love to come.
and of Love fully realized.
and may all your good dreams come true.
and may we make them true together.
i love the mornings.
cast off the worry for awhile
and rest in Love ever-present.
and love that has come.
and dream of love to come.
and of Love fully realized.
and may all your good dreams come true.
and may we make them true together.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
need
i was driving home today. having a difficult moment. feeling the weight of so many people i love. feeling the pain some of them are causing me.
feeling the pull to have an answer for them.
feeling completely overwhelmed.
feeling the deep need within me that i rarely vocalize...
the need to be held.
i was stopped at a traffic light and looked in my rear-view mirror. i saw a gay couple. 2 young guys just sitting in their car, and for some reason i just knew. i'm sure i was obvious when i adjusted my mirror so i could just look at them. they were smiling. they looked relaxed and happy, just talking. i thought to myself that i shouldn't assume... maybe i just wanted to see it...
the light turned green and i became engrossed in my driving, and back to the inner turmoil. i thought about how i want to make life different and my dissatisfaction with my current life. the changes i want to make. and the ache within my soul to be held by someone.
a need for a tangible expression of love which i talked about with my therapist yesterday and he encouraged me in seeking and recognizing.
i was thinking and fighting within myself about my shame for my deep need and how normal he made it seem;
my desire to ask for it and my fear of asking for it.
thinking about how it is so opposite of the deep fear we identified yesterday:
the withdrawal of love.
my biggest fear.
one that grips me and crushes me in the process.
all of these thoughts and then i noticed a small maroon suv beside me, the one with the possible gay guys. as the car passed me, i noticed a sticker. a small rectangle with stripes of all the colors of the rainbow.
something inside me grew. and i felt a little stronger for it.
i knew i wasn't alone. even in this backwards town i live in.
and i felt proud to be me. even after a rough day and even in the middle of my pain and even though i have needs that may be hard to understand sometimes.
i am still me - worthy of love. worthy. me. of love.
i talk a lot about giving love, but i don't talk a lot about what i need. now, i am recognizing my needs and my desires for a relationship. and i need tangible expressions of love. i need affection. i need to be held.
today, God showed me she loved me with a sticker on a car. i inwardly smiled at the use of the rainbow.
i still felt the ache of needing someone to hold me. i still do even now, while i'm typing this out.
but at least i know i'm not alone. and that there is life. colorful life.
feeling the pull to have an answer for them.
feeling completely overwhelmed.
feeling the deep need within me that i rarely vocalize...
the need to be held.
i was stopped at a traffic light and looked in my rear-view mirror. i saw a gay couple. 2 young guys just sitting in their car, and for some reason i just knew. i'm sure i was obvious when i adjusted my mirror so i could just look at them. they were smiling. they looked relaxed and happy, just talking. i thought to myself that i shouldn't assume... maybe i just wanted to see it...
the light turned green and i became engrossed in my driving, and back to the inner turmoil. i thought about how i want to make life different and my dissatisfaction with my current life. the changes i want to make. and the ache within my soul to be held by someone.
a need for a tangible expression of love which i talked about with my therapist yesterday and he encouraged me in seeking and recognizing.
i was thinking and fighting within myself about my shame for my deep need and how normal he made it seem;
my desire to ask for it and my fear of asking for it.
thinking about how it is so opposite of the deep fear we identified yesterday:
the withdrawal of love.
my biggest fear.
one that grips me and crushes me in the process.
all of these thoughts and then i noticed a small maroon suv beside me, the one with the possible gay guys. as the car passed me, i noticed a sticker. a small rectangle with stripes of all the colors of the rainbow.
something inside me grew. and i felt a little stronger for it.
i knew i wasn't alone. even in this backwards town i live in.
and i felt proud to be me. even after a rough day and even in the middle of my pain and even though i have needs that may be hard to understand sometimes.
i am still me - worthy of love. worthy. me. of love.
i talk a lot about giving love, but i don't talk a lot about what i need. now, i am recognizing my needs and my desires for a relationship. and i need tangible expressions of love. i need affection. i need to be held.
today, God showed me she loved me with a sticker on a car. i inwardly smiled at the use of the rainbow.
i still felt the ache of needing someone to hold me. i still do even now, while i'm typing this out.
but at least i know i'm not alone. and that there is life. colorful life.
Monday, August 23, 2010
shaken
recent events have truly shaken me.
i have been feeling the brunt of being different and being silenced for it...
and i keep hearing and seeing more hatred, discrimination, and failure to love people like me...
lesbian friends telling me about their suffering. straight friends telling me about the discrimination they are seeing. outspoken allies taking heat for speaking out...
it is so hard not to feel alone during these times. few people understand. one friend even told me that not everyone has to agree with me... well this isn't about agreement. it's about love. and i don't feel loved when i hear that i am less than, and especially not when i am shown that.
my heart hurts. and this kind of ache echoes the deep sorrow within my soul. the loneliness. the pain of not being known. the weight of the prison cell and the coldness therein.
i have been crying nearly everyday for about a week now. crying because i am wounded. but crying for more than that as well.
yet,
i still hold firm that i am worthy of love. no matter what other people say or do. i am worthy of love, just the way i am. and i am no less - no matter if my feelings tell me otherwise... i know the truth. i am made of and named love.
even when i can't hear it. see it. or feel it.
even when i am hated. scorned. or ignored.
i am and always will be loved.
that is the truth. even though this pain suggests otherwise.
i choose to believe in love.
i have been feeling the brunt of being different and being silenced for it...
and i keep hearing and seeing more hatred, discrimination, and failure to love people like me...
lesbian friends telling me about their suffering. straight friends telling me about the discrimination they are seeing. outspoken allies taking heat for speaking out...
it is so hard not to feel alone during these times. few people understand. one friend even told me that not everyone has to agree with me... well this isn't about agreement. it's about love. and i don't feel loved when i hear that i am less than, and especially not when i am shown that.
my heart hurts. and this kind of ache echoes the deep sorrow within my soul. the loneliness. the pain of not being known. the weight of the prison cell and the coldness therein.
i have been crying nearly everyday for about a week now. crying because i am wounded. but crying for more than that as well.
yet,
i still hold firm that i am worthy of love. no matter what other people say or do. i am worthy of love, just the way i am. and i am no less - no matter if my feelings tell me otherwise... i know the truth. i am made of and named love.
even when i can't hear it. see it. or feel it.
even when i am hated. scorned. or ignored.
i am and always will be loved.
that is the truth. even though this pain suggests otherwise.
i choose to believe in love.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
tension :: resolve
i don't know what to do...
so, i'm just going to love.
and hope it will be ok...
but even if it isn't...
i'm just going to love.
so, i'm just going to love.
and hope it will be ok...
but even if it isn't...
i'm just going to love.
Monday, August 16, 2010
where the love is
a friend just posted a quote from a song as his facebook status... a quote that asks a serious question: "where is the love?"
i just spent the past 30 minutes to an hour looking at news stories and fact checking and found myself looking at darkness and evil in the face.
hatred.
concentrated.
in my face.
i was asking myself a similar question... "how?"
how can people think this way? how can people claim this is the way of jesus? how can people fail to love and instead choose to live in hatred and fear?
and then i started asking and wondering... "what can be done about it? what can i do about it? what can we do?"
i think the answer came when i read the quote my friend mentioned... "where is the love?"
do we not hold love within us?
are there not some of us who seem to be overflowing with love, admiration, respect, and a desire to give it all away?
why should we hide it?
why should we dilute it?
why should we let it die?
we shouldn't.
we shouldn't.
we shall not.
a lady came up to me last week and thanked me for leading worship. she noted my name and asked if i was a "love child" - and told me her daughter, who has the same name as me, is a very loving girl - always hugging, always saying "i love you" - full of love and affection, even now at the age of 27.
this lady, in describing her daughter, described me as well. i told her, yes.
then after she left, i thought about it more, and still thinking about it - i really like that part of me. though i think not everyone understands it, and i think it unnerves some people, and i know it has been a reason for misunderstanding and tension in some of my relationships - i still like that i am "a love child."
maybe i should be out and proud as someone who loves.
maybe all of us who love should be.
maybe we should be more vocal in condemning hatred and in promoting love.
maybe we need to start more conversations and talk about this on a deeper level - work together to find solutions of love.
i am so full of love. i do not understand it. mother teresa said to love until it hurts, so that hurt no longer remains, but only more love... sometimes i think i taste that. and for some odd reason, it seems almost natural to me.
in being misunderstood, i understand that i am different, and i myself do not understand the flow of sacrifice, affection and warmth that is seemingly unstoppable. but i do not wish to stop it. and i, too, am unnerved by it.
perhaps, it is likened to a fantasy novel. some of us are keepers of the love. however, if we hide it instead of spreading it, the love will die. but if we give it, it will grow. and more will become keepers of love, until love is realized. and known.
then Love, who holds us, will be known as well.
here. that's where the love is.
not where we look for it.
not where we beg for it.
but where we simply
are.
and where we plant it, paint it, sing it, dance with it, give it, preserve it.
and Love keeps us.
i just spent the past 30 minutes to an hour looking at news stories and fact checking and found myself looking at darkness and evil in the face.
hatred.
concentrated.
in my face.
i was asking myself a similar question... "how?"
how can people think this way? how can people claim this is the way of jesus? how can people fail to love and instead choose to live in hatred and fear?
and then i started asking and wondering... "what can be done about it? what can i do about it? what can we do?"
i think the answer came when i read the quote my friend mentioned... "where is the love?"
do we not hold love within us?
are there not some of us who seem to be overflowing with love, admiration, respect, and a desire to give it all away?
why should we hide it?
why should we dilute it?
why should we let it die?
we shouldn't.
we shouldn't.
we shall not.
a lady came up to me last week and thanked me for leading worship. she noted my name and asked if i was a "love child" - and told me her daughter, who has the same name as me, is a very loving girl - always hugging, always saying "i love you" - full of love and affection, even now at the age of 27.
this lady, in describing her daughter, described me as well. i told her, yes.
then after she left, i thought about it more, and still thinking about it - i really like that part of me. though i think not everyone understands it, and i think it unnerves some people, and i know it has been a reason for misunderstanding and tension in some of my relationships - i still like that i am "a love child."
maybe i should be out and proud as someone who loves.
maybe all of us who love should be.
maybe we should be more vocal in condemning hatred and in promoting love.
maybe we need to start more conversations and talk about this on a deeper level - work together to find solutions of love.
i am so full of love. i do not understand it. mother teresa said to love until it hurts, so that hurt no longer remains, but only more love... sometimes i think i taste that. and for some odd reason, it seems almost natural to me.
in being misunderstood, i understand that i am different, and i myself do not understand the flow of sacrifice, affection and warmth that is seemingly unstoppable. but i do not wish to stop it. and i, too, am unnerved by it.
perhaps, it is likened to a fantasy novel. some of us are keepers of the love. however, if we hide it instead of spreading it, the love will die. but if we give it, it will grow. and more will become keepers of love, until love is realized. and known.
then Love, who holds us, will be known as well.
here. that's where the love is.
not where we look for it.
not where we beg for it.
but where we simply
are.
and where we plant it, paint it, sing it, dance with it, give it, preserve it.
and Love keeps us.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
ebb and flow
here it is, that time of the night that bears the name "morning" yet is shrouded in darkness.
the sun is still hidden, and the air is quiet and still.
i can't sleep.
in the quiet, my thoughts seem to grow louder, and rest is no longer an option or possibility.
i think about relationships and wonder where they will go. wonder if love has lessened. wonder if i am loved less while loving more and more. wonder if we are drifting apart.
i am thinking about drift, and how distance hurts me. wondering why i feel this way while the counselor in me wonders if i have attachment problems, the accuser in me cuts me down for it, the lover in me hurts because of it, and the visionary in me hopes for closeness again.
all of me knows the truth of ebb and flow.
sometimes, i think i mistake the ebb for drift. just as the water in the ocean draws back and moves forward, so too with love and knowing one another.
perhaps i am comforting myself. perhaps it is true.
but i can't help but recognize that even when the waters of the sea draw back, there is still contact and connection with the shore. there is constant relationship. and the landscape is constantly changing with each new tide. and new ways of relating and connecting are formed as new places become more open and new revelations emerge from below the surface. ebb is necessary for erosion and so that the shore is not lost in the waters of the tide.
when i think i feel drift, i often look at messages, notes, and any tangible representation of the love i have known. i guess it should be no wonder to me, a writer, that the written word carries so much for me. to see the words "i love you" and more creative, variations on the theme bring warmth and calming to my soul. so i reminisce - not daring to ask for written conformation of love i know is there, but cannot feel.
perhaps i am finally recognizing a need i have - to be loved in this way, so that i can remember the truth when it doesn't feel true.
when love draws back in a swelling ebb
and i await and long for the flow of unrelenting unguarded love to come crashing in on me once again with abandon.
like an un-choreographed dance, it is free,
wild,
and beautiful.
i find that i am sensitive to connection. hyper-sensitive even. perhaps it is because of all the love inside of me. perhaps because of the love i long to receive as i give.
just as surely as dark and light ebb and flow into night and day
and the waters of the sea and the surface of the shore cling to one another
love and peace stay connected
and dance that dance only the free ones know
and we are held therein
the sun is still hidden, and the air is quiet and still.
i can't sleep.
in the quiet, my thoughts seem to grow louder, and rest is no longer an option or possibility.
i think about relationships and wonder where they will go. wonder if love has lessened. wonder if i am loved less while loving more and more. wonder if we are drifting apart.
i am thinking about drift, and how distance hurts me. wondering why i feel this way while the counselor in me wonders if i have attachment problems, the accuser in me cuts me down for it, the lover in me hurts because of it, and the visionary in me hopes for closeness again.
all of me knows the truth of ebb and flow.
sometimes, i think i mistake the ebb for drift. just as the water in the ocean draws back and moves forward, so too with love and knowing one another.
perhaps i am comforting myself. perhaps it is true.
but i can't help but recognize that even when the waters of the sea draw back, there is still contact and connection with the shore. there is constant relationship. and the landscape is constantly changing with each new tide. and new ways of relating and connecting are formed as new places become more open and new revelations emerge from below the surface. ebb is necessary for erosion and so that the shore is not lost in the waters of the tide.
when i think i feel drift, i often look at messages, notes, and any tangible representation of the love i have known. i guess it should be no wonder to me, a writer, that the written word carries so much for me. to see the words "i love you" and more creative, variations on the theme bring warmth and calming to my soul. so i reminisce - not daring to ask for written conformation of love i know is there, but cannot feel.
perhaps i am finally recognizing a need i have - to be loved in this way, so that i can remember the truth when it doesn't feel true.
when love draws back in a swelling ebb
and i await and long for the flow of unrelenting unguarded love to come crashing in on me once again with abandon.
like an un-choreographed dance, it is free,
wild,
and beautiful.
i find that i am sensitive to connection. hyper-sensitive even. perhaps it is because of all the love inside of me. perhaps because of the love i long to receive as i give.
just as surely as dark and light ebb and flow into night and day
and the waters of the sea and the surface of the shore cling to one another
love and peace stay connected
and dance that dance only the free ones know
and we are held therein
Friday, August 6, 2010
now
last night i attended a celebration and send off for a dear friend. celebrating her engagement and a new chapter in her life as we said farewell for now as she is moving to europe.
i noticed a lot about myself while i was there - noticing that i enjoyed talking with the guys and felt comfortable with them. noticed that their compliments on my looks felt more like i would imagine it would for straight girls when their friends compliment them.
i noticed how much more comfortable i am with me and how much more at home i am. i noticed how confident i am even around people who have emotionally hurt me.
i noticed i like me. a lot.
recently, a friend told me that the thing that sticks out the most in our friendship is that i have taught her about love - what it means to love unconditionally and to love the outcast and people who are different. i'm still blown away to know i am living my purpose now. i don't have to wait.
i am starting to get nervous about closing one chapter of my life and starting another. there is so much potential and quite a few appealing options. i even have the ability to come out and be out. no more secrets. no more hiding.
as i am looking to the future though, i am trying to be present and not worry. the more me i am the better my relationships are and the better chance i have for love. seems simple, but it's been a challenge i am doing everything in my power to rise to and win - from alternative medicine to exercise to therapy to not letting my past hurts and the opinions of others get in my way. i am burning away my insecurities and being me now instead of later.
i read a quote by anne frank which i found in the form of a bumpersticker for my truck...
"how wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
now.
and i am and i am seeing it.
it's all coming down to love.
i was catching up with a lifelong friend yesterday, and during our conversation i said i wasn't sure what i thought about absolute truth and multiple truths... but that there are a few absolute truths i believe in for sure...
and the ultimate truth is love.
it was true. it will be true.
it is true now.
may we all live in the truth of love.
i noticed a lot about myself while i was there - noticing that i enjoyed talking with the guys and felt comfortable with them. noticed that their compliments on my looks felt more like i would imagine it would for straight girls when their friends compliment them.
i noticed how much more comfortable i am with me and how much more at home i am. i noticed how confident i am even around people who have emotionally hurt me.
i noticed i like me. a lot.
recently, a friend told me that the thing that sticks out the most in our friendship is that i have taught her about love - what it means to love unconditionally and to love the outcast and people who are different. i'm still blown away to know i am living my purpose now. i don't have to wait.
i am starting to get nervous about closing one chapter of my life and starting another. there is so much potential and quite a few appealing options. i even have the ability to come out and be out. no more secrets. no more hiding.
as i am looking to the future though, i am trying to be present and not worry. the more me i am the better my relationships are and the better chance i have for love. seems simple, but it's been a challenge i am doing everything in my power to rise to and win - from alternative medicine to exercise to therapy to not letting my past hurts and the opinions of others get in my way. i am burning away my insecurities and being me now instead of later.
i read a quote by anne frank which i found in the form of a bumpersticker for my truck...
"how wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
now.
and i am and i am seeing it.
it's all coming down to love.
i was catching up with a lifelong friend yesterday, and during our conversation i said i wasn't sure what i thought about absolute truth and multiple truths... but that there are a few absolute truths i believe in for sure...
and the ultimate truth is love.
it was true. it will be true.
it is true now.
may we all live in the truth of love.
Monday, July 19, 2010
yours
this post is one of a few posts that i think i always knew i would write. some have made appearances and some are to come later when the time is ripe. it is an open letter. open because i am allowing other people to see. letter because it is addressed to one, well One, in particular. i am writing this intro before i begin this letter, and truly i only know of a couple points i am going to address. so a fair warning: this may be really raw, may not make sense, may not be for the faint of heart. however - it may also be encouraging, enlightening, inspiring. i do know it will be messy, and it will be beautiful. and it is shared.
dear Creator,
it's funny that i have been writing in this blog for over a year now, and i have yet to address an entire entry to you. the truth is, that i have not known what to say....
sometimes, i want to yell at you with profanity and ask you what the fuck you are doing.
sometimes, i feel like assuming the fetal position and sobbing at your invisible feet.
sometimes, i want to push you away.
most times, i wish i could feel you holding me whether i am fighting the embrace or falling into it.
i've been asking you some tough questions, and i have been telling you how i would like for life, my life, to be. sometimes, it feels like my prayers are like the incense i am burning...
they go up like vapors. and all that remains is ash and temporal fragrance.
why am i a lesbian? why do i love women so much? why do i want to spend my life working for restoration, healing, and equality for women? why do i want to have one woman in my life, a partner, who i give myself to fully and make her life more beautiful and support her? why do i want to join up with her in a marriage that inspires others to love and makes the world around us more beautiful and imprinted with your spirit?
God? why have i not found her yet? or have i? how am i to know? will i know? is this a good you have for my life? i believe it is, but sometimes i question your timing... but you know, i do know you love me. and i am going to make the decision to trust you with my questions. to believe in the middle of all my questions and doubts... i guess belief and faith are a lot like light. the dark of doubt is around, but cannot occupy the exact same space...
God? thank you for being so patient with me. you know, i really almost didn't like you for a while. and i went through such a darkness when i could not feel your love for me, when i really wondered if you were even there, and if you really cared for me at all...
but now i know you love me.
and you know what?
i love you too.
there is so much love in my heart for you. and i hope you can feel it in the connection of you in me, and see it in the tears that are stinging my eyes now, hear it in the tapping of the keys on the laptop, smell it in the incense.
i am falling in love with you all over again. all i want is to be with you. and all i want is to love like you and to be the woman you made me to be. to live up and live out the calling to be love. in all of my relationships and in all of my art and in all of my work.
jesus, you are my reason. my purpose. and i believe the words you said. and i know you are here with me now. and i know you never left me.
spirit, you make me dance. and i desire to dance with you always and to always have room for others to join in.
you, oh LORD, are my peace. my assurance. my truest love. mother. friend. father. creator.
i love who you have made me to be. may i ever walk with you and commune with you, through rain, through fire, through drought, and through beautiful perfect days.
YHWH, please know i love you. i'm sorry i don't say it enough or show it enough. but i am ever thankful and ever indebted to you. my love. my life.
i still have questions. i still feel pain, and i know that this life will have more bumps in the road. but come what may, i am forever yours.
love always,
C.
dear Creator,
it's funny that i have been writing in this blog for over a year now, and i have yet to address an entire entry to you. the truth is, that i have not known what to say....
sometimes, i want to yell at you with profanity and ask you what the fuck you are doing.
sometimes, i feel like assuming the fetal position and sobbing at your invisible feet.
sometimes, i want to push you away.
most times, i wish i could feel you holding me whether i am fighting the embrace or falling into it.
i've been asking you some tough questions, and i have been telling you how i would like for life, my life, to be. sometimes, it feels like my prayers are like the incense i am burning...
they go up like vapors. and all that remains is ash and temporal fragrance.
why am i a lesbian? why do i love women so much? why do i want to spend my life working for restoration, healing, and equality for women? why do i want to have one woman in my life, a partner, who i give myself to fully and make her life more beautiful and support her? why do i want to join up with her in a marriage that inspires others to love and makes the world around us more beautiful and imprinted with your spirit?
God? why have i not found her yet? or have i? how am i to know? will i know? is this a good you have for my life? i believe it is, but sometimes i question your timing... but you know, i do know you love me. and i am going to make the decision to trust you with my questions. to believe in the middle of all my questions and doubts... i guess belief and faith are a lot like light. the dark of doubt is around, but cannot occupy the exact same space...
God? thank you for being so patient with me. you know, i really almost didn't like you for a while. and i went through such a darkness when i could not feel your love for me, when i really wondered if you were even there, and if you really cared for me at all...
but now i know you love me.
and you know what?
i love you too.
there is so much love in my heart for you. and i hope you can feel it in the connection of you in me, and see it in the tears that are stinging my eyes now, hear it in the tapping of the keys on the laptop, smell it in the incense.
i am falling in love with you all over again. all i want is to be with you. and all i want is to love like you and to be the woman you made me to be. to live up and live out the calling to be love. in all of my relationships and in all of my art and in all of my work.
jesus, you are my reason. my purpose. and i believe the words you said. and i know you are here with me now. and i know you never left me.
spirit, you make me dance. and i desire to dance with you always and to always have room for others to join in.
you, oh LORD, are my peace. my assurance. my truest love. mother. friend. father. creator.
i love who you have made me to be. may i ever walk with you and commune with you, through rain, through fire, through drought, and through beautiful perfect days.
YHWH, please know i love you. i'm sorry i don't say it enough or show it enough. but i am ever thankful and ever indebted to you. my love. my life.
i still have questions. i still feel pain, and i know that this life will have more bumps in the road. but come what may, i am forever yours.
love always,
C.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
ripple
when i was a kid, i spent a lot of time by the tennessee river. i would visit my grandparents who lived on waterfront property, and i would spend summer days fishing and skipping stones.
one of my favorite things to do was, and still is, to watch ripples on the water...
there are ripples that come from above - insects, fallen leaves, a fishing line, a small smooth stone dancing on the surface...
there are ripples that come from below - fish coming to the surface to respond to the ripples above...
i often wonder if i am going to change the world one day.
i wonder if these writings matter, if the songs i write matter, if the conversations i have with people who are different than me matter.
i wonder if the love i give is noticed, if the love i give is felt by those i love, if the love i give has any effect at all.
yesterday i realized that what i write here really does matter, the songs i write matter, the conversations i have - all the conversations i have - matter.
i saw that the love i give is truly noticed, my friends really can feel the love i pour out for them, and the love i am loving and living is having an effect.
and i realized a sobering humbling profound truth: i am already changing the world.
like a ripple...
sometimes i make ripples that send out sonar messages in which the vibrations cause pain, and i wish i could stop them... but once the water has been disturbed, it takes time and patience for the calm and steadiness to return.
i have seen that no matter what i intend, i am going to make ripples, and i am recommitting to make sure that those ripples communicate my true heart - love.
when people see and feel the ripples i send, i hope that they might say "love is here"
as if the love they experience and receive is my signature, my very scent and essence, and the signature of the Love that named me love.
being so full of love, i must pour it out. make ripples of love that call out to others to do the same.
my prayer is echoed in the song i am listening to...
"let there be peace. let there be peace. let there be peace."
"let there be love. let there be love. let there be love."
i long to live up to my name more everyday. and my name is love. and i am filled with love from Love herself.
and i am seeing how blessed i am to be accompanied and filled by such a Spirit of love,
joy,
peace,
patience,
kindness,
goodness,
gentleness,
faithfulness,
self-control...
and may i ever strive to cultivate it.
in waves,
in trickles,
in ripples.
one of my favorite things to do was, and still is, to watch ripples on the water...
there are ripples that come from above - insects, fallen leaves, a fishing line, a small smooth stone dancing on the surface...
there are ripples that come from below - fish coming to the surface to respond to the ripples above...
i often wonder if i am going to change the world one day.
i wonder if these writings matter, if the songs i write matter, if the conversations i have with people who are different than me matter.
i wonder if the love i give is noticed, if the love i give is felt by those i love, if the love i give has any effect at all.
yesterday i realized that what i write here really does matter, the songs i write matter, the conversations i have - all the conversations i have - matter.
i saw that the love i give is truly noticed, my friends really can feel the love i pour out for them, and the love i am loving and living is having an effect.
and i realized a sobering humbling profound truth: i am already changing the world.
like a ripple...
sometimes i make ripples that send out sonar messages in which the vibrations cause pain, and i wish i could stop them... but once the water has been disturbed, it takes time and patience for the calm and steadiness to return.
i have seen that no matter what i intend, i am going to make ripples, and i am recommitting to make sure that those ripples communicate my true heart - love.
when people see and feel the ripples i send, i hope that they might say "love is here"
as if the love they experience and receive is my signature, my very scent and essence, and the signature of the Love that named me love.
being so full of love, i must pour it out. make ripples of love that call out to others to do the same.
my prayer is echoed in the song i am listening to...
"let there be peace. let there be peace. let there be peace."
"let there be love. let there be love. let there be love."
i long to live up to my name more everyday. and my name is love. and i am filled with love from Love herself.
and i am seeing how blessed i am to be accompanied and filled by such a Spirit of love,
joy,
peace,
patience,
kindness,
goodness,
gentleness,
faithfulness,
self-control...
and may i ever strive to cultivate it.
in waves,
in trickles,
in ripples.
Monday, July 12, 2010
desert song
i realize that i have been writing a lot lately, but this is such a good outlet for me right now...
i went for a run tonight, and i am not a runner.
i have such a hard time pushing myself and breathing right and keeping good form, but sometimes, a good run is what i need to get some of the intensity out of my body.
my mind was still working overtime, but once it was time for my cool down, i started scrolling through my ipod and the word "hillsongs" caught my eye... i usually do not listen to worship music, even though i am a worship leader, but i decided to listen anyway - to the one song under the artist: desert song.
"this is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry"
"this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain"
"i will bring praise. no weapon formed against me shall remain."
"all of my life in every season you are still god i have a reason to sing i have a reason to worship."
i was so moved. and i felt like dancing. and i don't dance either...
i had a few thoughts today which all seemed to replay and connect while i walked a lap and listened to the song a couple of times through:
first, i am in a refining process... i am under fire and under hammer. being purged and forged.
i will be better and stronger for it.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
and those close to me are getting burned and struck too. and i wish i could erase my hurtful actions and words.
i am deeply and completely sorry and saddened that in some moments, i have acted opposite or spoken opposite to how i really feel.
i don't understand how i could have done this.
it isn't me.
but in this painful process, my relationships are also being tried by fire, and therefore refined.
and they will be stronger and better for it.
it hurts. it's difficult. thank you for sticking with me.
it will get better.
i will get better.
we will get better.
i think the same is happening in my relationship with god.
s/he is taking some heat from me too, but our relationship and my love for her/him is only growing and becoming stronger.
i also thought about the line from the song... "no weapon formed against me shall remain." i don't care for the war imagery we so often use in christian circles, and i saw this saying in a different light tonight...
from the view of nonviolent resistance. and how much more powerful is it to think that i who am standing for peace and for love shall not be overrun with force...
it was an encouraging thought i am still processing.
while i was listening to the song, i really did want to dance a little, right where i was... but i didn't. i thought about it, and realized that one day, i probably will
and on that day, i will dance twice. once for the original joy that set my feet in motion
and a second celebration for being so truly free that i have stopped caring what people think and i have begun to truly live.
and i think that day is coming soon... and so is my healing.
i am no longer waiting for it. i am chasing it.
i can't live like this. so i must begin to truly live.
i want to live.
i want to love better.
i want to be me and show my loved ones who they are to me:
so loved.
i went for a run tonight, and i am not a runner.
i have such a hard time pushing myself and breathing right and keeping good form, but sometimes, a good run is what i need to get some of the intensity out of my body.
my mind was still working overtime, but once it was time for my cool down, i started scrolling through my ipod and the word "hillsongs" caught my eye... i usually do not listen to worship music, even though i am a worship leader, but i decided to listen anyway - to the one song under the artist: desert song.
"this is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry"
"this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain"
"i will bring praise. no weapon formed against me shall remain."
"all of my life in every season you are still god i have a reason to sing i have a reason to worship."
i was so moved. and i felt like dancing. and i don't dance either...
i had a few thoughts today which all seemed to replay and connect while i walked a lap and listened to the song a couple of times through:
first, i am in a refining process... i am under fire and under hammer. being purged and forged.
i will be better and stronger for it.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
and those close to me are getting burned and struck too. and i wish i could erase my hurtful actions and words.
i am deeply and completely sorry and saddened that in some moments, i have acted opposite or spoken opposite to how i really feel.
i don't understand how i could have done this.
it isn't me.
but in this painful process, my relationships are also being tried by fire, and therefore refined.
and they will be stronger and better for it.
it hurts. it's difficult. thank you for sticking with me.
it will get better.
i will get better.
we will get better.
i think the same is happening in my relationship with god.
s/he is taking some heat from me too, but our relationship and my love for her/him is only growing and becoming stronger.
i also thought about the line from the song... "no weapon formed against me shall remain." i don't care for the war imagery we so often use in christian circles, and i saw this saying in a different light tonight...
from the view of nonviolent resistance. and how much more powerful is it to think that i who am standing for peace and for love shall not be overrun with force...
it was an encouraging thought i am still processing.
while i was listening to the song, i really did want to dance a little, right where i was... but i didn't. i thought about it, and realized that one day, i probably will
and on that day, i will dance twice. once for the original joy that set my feet in motion
and a second celebration for being so truly free that i have stopped caring what people think and i have begun to truly live.
and i think that day is coming soon... and so is my healing.
i am no longer waiting for it. i am chasing it.
i can't live like this. so i must begin to truly live.
i want to live.
i want to love better.
i want to be me and show my loved ones who they are to me:
so loved.
answer
i'm sitting here drinking coffee hardly able to believe what is going through my mind now...
i opened my window so i could listen to a beautiful morning storm - i like to hear the rain pelting and falling like blankets on the grass.
what i really really noticed though was the thunder
it sounds so completely different when i'm not completely confined to indoors. it sounds bigger, like it stretches across the entire sky; dancing between and over the mountains and through all the clouds.
i was thinking, maybe depression and angst (or whatever it is i am in) are like being stuck in a room where the windows are locked, and i cant hear clearly enough to know how big how vast how beautiful the sky is.
and there's one room i know of that is like this... the closet.
perhaps, as i was encouraged overnight by a dear like-minded friend, when i can be fully me with no secrets, then i will be able to find and cultivate the love i am so longing to give and build.
she pointed out, this dear one, how hard it would be for me to keep such a wonderful love a secret...
and it reminded me of lines i had written in a song, that
"real love cannot thrive inside of shame" and that "i'm gonna love. love is my name."
but before all of that,
"i have resolved love depends on me. and i cannot worry what people think of me."
perhaps my songs are prophecies to myself.
i sit here typing and drinking coffee after a night of disturbing dreams about being taken advantage of and hated for who i am and realize just what a difficult road it is that i journey. but the good news is i am not alone in that journey.
love continues to lift me. and now i'm going to try to figure out how to open a window and really see and hear what is out there... who is out there. and hold on to that hope.
Someone was listening. thank you God for most this amazing day. and for answering me.
i opened my window so i could listen to a beautiful morning storm - i like to hear the rain pelting and falling like blankets on the grass.
what i really really noticed though was the thunder
it sounds so completely different when i'm not completely confined to indoors. it sounds bigger, like it stretches across the entire sky; dancing between and over the mountains and through all the clouds.
i was thinking, maybe depression and angst (or whatever it is i am in) are like being stuck in a room where the windows are locked, and i cant hear clearly enough to know how big how vast how beautiful the sky is.
and there's one room i know of that is like this... the closet.
perhaps, as i was encouraged overnight by a dear like-minded friend, when i can be fully me with no secrets, then i will be able to find and cultivate the love i am so longing to give and build.
she pointed out, this dear one, how hard it would be for me to keep such a wonderful love a secret...
and it reminded me of lines i had written in a song, that
"real love cannot thrive inside of shame" and that "i'm gonna love. love is my name."
but before all of that,
"i have resolved love depends on me. and i cannot worry what people think of me."
perhaps my songs are prophecies to myself.
i sit here typing and drinking coffee after a night of disturbing dreams about being taken advantage of and hated for who i am and realize just what a difficult road it is that i journey. but the good news is i am not alone in that journey.
love continues to lift me. and now i'm going to try to figure out how to open a window and really see and hear what is out there... who is out there. and hold on to that hope.
Someone was listening. thank you God for most this amazing day. and for answering me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
questions
i feel so alone...
how long?
how do i hold on to hope?
why the almosts?
how long?
i know god is trying to teach me about trusting and waiting and giving and holding on... but why do i have to hurt like this?
why? is there something wrong with me? i do my best. i'm considerate and loving. i give all i have to give.
but i'm still alone...?
why do i long to give myself even more and love someone?
why do selfish people have someone but i don't?
why don't things work out for me?
why why why?
how long?
what's wrong?
who is there?
when?
why why why not?
i want to shut it off. sleep awhile. please.
reprieve, relief...
answer me.
how long?
how do i hold on to hope?
why the almosts?
how long?
i know god is trying to teach me about trusting and waiting and giving and holding on... but why do i have to hurt like this?
why? is there something wrong with me? i do my best. i'm considerate and loving. i give all i have to give.
but i'm still alone...?
why do i long to give myself even more and love someone?
why do selfish people have someone but i don't?
why don't things work out for me?
why why why?
how long?
what's wrong?
who is there?
when?
why why why not?
i want to shut it off. sleep awhile. please.
reprieve, relief...
answer me.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
hold
my friends, my dear friends
near
far
are holding on to hope for me
when i have lost my grip.
the hope that love will find me
and i will be free to give and be.
and in this holding,
they - many of you, are holding on to me.
near
far
are holding on to hope for me
when i have lost my grip.
the hope that love will find me
and i will be free to give and be.
and in this holding,
they - many of you, are holding on to me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
oneness
there are all kinds of wonderful sounds coming through my window along with the warm, still summer air.
amazing how still and yet vibrant the night is.
i wonder.
wonder if this stillness and vitality in dance with one another is a reflection of my life as now and to come...
i really cannot express how much, how deeply, how truly desperately i long to love another. how deeply and profoundly i love and how much i want to give but absolutely cannot.
is it possible that i experience a stillness now, while love is growing or becoming?
is it possible that there are things i am unaware of and that i will be able to give my love fully to another one day?
sometimes i say outloud that i wonder if i will ever know romantic love. if i will ever be able to fully give what is inside of me.
sometimes i say i wonder if i am selfish
one dear friend pointed out that its selfless. especially the way i love.
i have such a hard time understanding, and i have so many why questions running through my head right now, and my heart hurts.
a cigar, some fresh air, some incense, some listening... and still the pain of another lonely night ebbs and flows.
i want to come home to someone.
i want her to come home to me.
i want to meet her at the door with flowers.
i want to kiss her good morning.
i want to have a family.
i want someone to hold my hand and someone to want me to hold hers.
i want to take care of her.
i want her to take care of me.
i'm turning 29 in two weeks, and i realized that no one has ever called me "baby". no one has ever kissed me - i mean really kissed me.
i feel pathetic.
and there are so many sounds coming in my window right now. so many creatures singing and calling out to one another. if i didn't think i'd wake the neighbors, i'd go to my window right now, and i'd lift up my own song. i'd call out...
are you out there?
do you know how much love there is in my heart?
do you know how good i want to be to you?
is there someone out there who loves me?
is there someone out there who wants me too?
can you call for me too?
darling, i'm waiting. i'm here.
maybe my calls and song are frivolous. perhaps foolish and naive.
perhaps not.
i'm seeing myself more and more as someone who is going to make a great partner. parts of my identity are becoming louder, and i am giving them room to breathe.
i can see myself as a beautiful woman, a fun girl, a sweet boy, a handy butch lesbian. i know that none of these on their own describe me, but together, i see a convergence that starts to paint a picture of me. it's just a beginning.
i see myself as already a devoted spouse, an amazing mother, a considerate lover, a hardworking professional. though i have no spouse, children, or even a career that i've settled on... perhaps seeing myself in this way is a sign of hope.
the symphony outside is so loud. when i stop typing, i can pick out the individual sounds... i'm so intrigued how so many different voices singing different songs and calling out different "words" can sound so much like one.
perhaps i can find some hope in this insight.
perhaps there is someone singing a song for me tonight.
my mind also goes to the "grander scheme" which is hard to say and is honestly so hard to think about right now because of the greatness of the pangs of longing for the experience of love to become commensurate with what i feel and long for... a relationship...
nevertheless, perhaps, though we are all lifting our different voices, we can find a oneness just as i hope to find a oneness in partnership, i hope for oneness in the community local and global. for peace. for love.
there is more in my head, more ideas and thoughts on God and reflecting her image. but i will save that for another day.
for now, i am listening to the song. and all of its parts. and the song is greater than the sum of them.
perhaps, my desire for oneness is reflected in this truth as well. oneday, i hope to love so greatly, and give myself so fully, that the two of us will be greater for it, as will the world around us and the people with whom we live.
a love that is inclusive and giving,
inspiring and gracious,
inviting and grateful.
persistent
peace-making
patient
forgiving
friendship
forever
passionate
compassionate
real
ours
theirs
always hoping
never envying
enduring
oneness
love.
amazing how still and yet vibrant the night is.
i wonder.
wonder if this stillness and vitality in dance with one another is a reflection of my life as now and to come...
i really cannot express how much, how deeply, how truly desperately i long to love another. how deeply and profoundly i love and how much i want to give but absolutely cannot.
is it possible that i experience a stillness now, while love is growing or becoming?
is it possible that there are things i am unaware of and that i will be able to give my love fully to another one day?
sometimes i say outloud that i wonder if i will ever know romantic love. if i will ever be able to fully give what is inside of me.
sometimes i say i wonder if i am selfish
one dear friend pointed out that its selfless. especially the way i love.
i have such a hard time understanding, and i have so many why questions running through my head right now, and my heart hurts.
a cigar, some fresh air, some incense, some listening... and still the pain of another lonely night ebbs and flows.
i want to come home to someone.
i want her to come home to me.
i want to meet her at the door with flowers.
i want to kiss her good morning.
i want to have a family.
i want someone to hold my hand and someone to want me to hold hers.
i want to take care of her.
i want her to take care of me.
i'm turning 29 in two weeks, and i realized that no one has ever called me "baby". no one has ever kissed me - i mean really kissed me.
i feel pathetic.
and there are so many sounds coming in my window right now. so many creatures singing and calling out to one another. if i didn't think i'd wake the neighbors, i'd go to my window right now, and i'd lift up my own song. i'd call out...
are you out there?
do you know how much love there is in my heart?
do you know how good i want to be to you?
is there someone out there who loves me?
is there someone out there who wants me too?
can you call for me too?
darling, i'm waiting. i'm here.
maybe my calls and song are frivolous. perhaps foolish and naive.
perhaps not.
i'm seeing myself more and more as someone who is going to make a great partner. parts of my identity are becoming louder, and i am giving them room to breathe.
i can see myself as a beautiful woman, a fun girl, a sweet boy, a handy butch lesbian. i know that none of these on their own describe me, but together, i see a convergence that starts to paint a picture of me. it's just a beginning.
i see myself as already a devoted spouse, an amazing mother, a considerate lover, a hardworking professional. though i have no spouse, children, or even a career that i've settled on... perhaps seeing myself in this way is a sign of hope.
the symphony outside is so loud. when i stop typing, i can pick out the individual sounds... i'm so intrigued how so many different voices singing different songs and calling out different "words" can sound so much like one.
perhaps i can find some hope in this insight.
perhaps there is someone singing a song for me tonight.
my mind also goes to the "grander scheme" which is hard to say and is honestly so hard to think about right now because of the greatness of the pangs of longing for the experience of love to become commensurate with what i feel and long for... a relationship...
nevertheless, perhaps, though we are all lifting our different voices, we can find a oneness just as i hope to find a oneness in partnership, i hope for oneness in the community local and global. for peace. for love.
there is more in my head, more ideas and thoughts on God and reflecting her image. but i will save that for another day.
for now, i am listening to the song. and all of its parts. and the song is greater than the sum of them.
perhaps, my desire for oneness is reflected in this truth as well. oneday, i hope to love so greatly, and give myself so fully, that the two of us will be greater for it, as will the world around us and the people with whom we live.
a love that is inclusive and giving,
inspiring and gracious,
inviting and grateful.
persistent
peace-making
patient
forgiving
friendship
forever
passionate
compassionate
real
ours
theirs
always hoping
never envying
enduring
oneness
love.
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