spirit

so much has been going on in my life lately. most of my internet time has been spent job searching and applying for jobs. sometimes it is difficult to hold on to the hope that something will work out. that i will find employment. that i will be able to restore my credit and pay my debts and monthly bills. that i will be able to pay for my wedding and expenses around having children.

i am engaged. to a beautiful, intelligent, peace-loving, hippie woman. a woman who challenges me to be better and who encourages me and shows me kindness. a woman i love immensely.

in the midst of all this love and newness, there is a troubling in my spirit that is deeper than my unemployment and my battle with the faulty belief that i am not good enough (for a good job or for this amazing relationship.) it is a troubling that i am just now able to put to words after they escaped my lips during a heartfelt tearful prayer i prayed just yesterday.

i am troubled when i hear people cheer over the fact that a primary presidential candidate has overseen over 200 executions. i am troubled when i see racial divisions and no one says anything about them. i wonder if they hope they will just go away if ignored. like a suspicious mole on the epidermis of humanity. i am troubled when i hear people booing a gay man during a presidential primary debate, because the man is gay and in the military.

i realize the problem is deeper than politics. more widespread than administrations and parties and ideologies. more toxic even than a systemic issue (although, systemic it is, indeed).

it's spiritual.

i was moved to tears while watching coverage of troy davis. moved because of some letters which were highlighted. letters in other capital punishment cases, where victims' families cried for mercy to be shown to the very people who were accused and convicted for killing their loved ones. mercy. enough people have died, they said. please, do not do this, they said.

i could barely speak.

i prayed intensely yesterday, and during my prayer i felt a cry well up within me. one i knew was more than just me. my throat tightened, my breathing heavy, my eyes hot with tears:

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.

a good friend of mine talked to me about prayer once. she shared with me one idea on prayer, that it's meant to change our attitudes. so we may pray for a forgiving spirit, a merciful spirit, a loving outlook, a stronger commitment, a more integral life. and those prayers work on our wills.

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.

i am deeply moved by liturgical services. by calls and responses. by creeds. by the beauty and power of confessing together and praying together. by the communal nature that transcends time and space and difference.

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.

i find myself uncomfortable with much of what i see in the world. i see an uphill battle. i still, for some reason, believe in the hope we have. in the power of Christ's love. Christ present. Christ come.

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.

sometimes it seems as though the ones who profess Jesus Christ are those who most blatantly defy his love and his nature and his drawing in. sometimes it seems as if there is a hardness of hearts in those who both claim to know him and those who openly reject him. both break my heart anew with each encounter.

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.

creation groans. guns ring out. people scream for justice. children cry for food, for relief, for freedom from slavery. animals are killed for sport, and the land is spoiled for minerals. women whisper secrets of abuse and rape. highways are littered. people hoard or misuse money and yell hate-filled words. oppressors capture, maim, mistreat, kill, and dehumanize.

Lord, Jesus... We need your spirit.


The world is angry and violent.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

Forgiveness is rare and hatred is rampant.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

The earth and people are being destroyed.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

The outcast is in need of welcoming.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

We need hearts full of grace, peace, and love.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

We need reconciliation and unconditional love.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

We need patience and strength to care for earth and others.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

We need to open our hearts and our doors.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

Fill us with your merciful love.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

Fill us with your unfailing love.
Lord, Jesus, we need your spirit.

Fill us with your spirit, Lord.
Jesus, we need your spirit.