Monday, July 19, 2010

yours

this post is one of a few posts that i think i always knew i would write. some have made appearances and some are to come later when the time is ripe. it is an open letter. open because i am allowing other people to see. letter because it is addressed to one, well One, in particular. i am writing this intro before i begin this letter, and truly i only know of a couple points i am going to address. so a fair warning: this may be really raw, may not make sense, may not be for the faint of heart. however - it may also be encouraging, enlightening, inspiring. i do know it will be messy, and it will be beautiful. and it is shared.

dear Creator,

it's funny that i have been writing in this blog for over a year now, and i have yet to address an entire entry to you. the truth is, that i have not known what to say....

sometimes, i want to yell at you with profanity and ask you what the fuck you are doing.

sometimes, i feel like assuming the fetal position and sobbing at your invisible feet.

sometimes, i want to push you away.

most times, i wish i could feel you holding me whether i am fighting the embrace or falling into it.

i've been asking you some tough questions, and i have been telling you how i would like for life, my life, to be. sometimes, it feels like my prayers are like the incense i am burning...
they go up like vapors. and all that remains is ash and temporal fragrance.

why am i a lesbian? why do i love women so much? why do i want to spend my life working for restoration, healing, and equality for women? why do i want to have one woman in my life, a partner, who i give myself to fully and make her life more beautiful and support her? why do i want to join up with her in a marriage that inspires others to love and makes the world around us more beautiful and imprinted with your spirit?

God? why have i not found her yet? or have i? how am i to know? will i know? is this a good you have for my life? i believe it is, but sometimes i question your timing... but you know, i do know you love me. and i am going to make the decision to trust you with my questions. to believe in the middle of all my questions and doubts... i guess belief and faith are a lot like light. the dark of doubt is around, but cannot occupy the exact same space...

God? thank you for being so patient with me. you know, i really almost didn't like you for a while. and i went through such a darkness when i could not feel your love for me, when i really wondered if you were even there, and if you really cared for me at all...

but now i know you love me.

and you know what?

i love you too.

there is so much love in my heart for you. and i hope you can feel it in the connection of you in me, and see it in the tears that are stinging my eyes now, hear it in the tapping of the keys on the laptop, smell it in the incense.

i am falling in love with you all over again. all i want is to be with you. and all i want is to love like you and to be the woman you made me to be. to live up and live out the calling to be love. in all of my relationships and in all of my art and in all of my work.

jesus, you are my reason. my purpose. and i believe the words you said. and i know you are here with me now. and i know you never left me.

spirit, you make me dance. and i desire to dance with you always and to always have room for others to join in.

you, oh LORD, are my peace. my assurance. my truest love. mother. friend. father. creator.

i love who you have made me to be. may i ever walk with you and commune with you, through rain, through fire, through drought, and through beautiful perfect days.

YHWH, please know i love you. i'm sorry i don't say it enough or show it enough. but i am ever thankful and ever indebted to you. my love. my life.

i still have questions. i still feel pain, and i know that this life will have more bumps in the road. but come what may, i am forever yours.

love always,
C.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

ripple

when i was a kid, i spent a lot of time by the tennessee river. i would visit my grandparents who lived on waterfront property, and i would spend summer days fishing and skipping stones.

one of my favorite things to do was, and still is, to watch ripples on the water...

there are ripples that come from above - insects, fallen leaves, a fishing line, a small smooth stone dancing on the surface...

there are ripples that come from below - fish coming to the surface to respond to the ripples above...

i often wonder if i am going to change the world one day.

i wonder if these writings matter, if the songs i write matter, if the conversations i have with people who are different than me matter.

i wonder if the love i give is noticed, if the love i give is felt by those i love, if the love i give has any effect at all.

yesterday i realized that what i write here really does matter, the songs i write matter, the conversations i have - all the conversations i have - matter.

i saw that the love i give is truly noticed, my friends really can feel the love i pour out for them, and the love i am loving and living is having an effect.

and i realized a sobering humbling profound truth: i am already changing the world.

like a ripple...

sometimes i make ripples that send out sonar messages in which the vibrations cause pain, and i wish i could stop them... but once the water has been disturbed, it takes time and patience for the calm and steadiness to return.

i have seen that no matter what i intend, i am going to make ripples, and i am recommitting to make sure that those ripples communicate my true heart - love.

when people see and feel the ripples i send, i hope that they might say "love is here"

as if the love they experience and receive is my signature, my very scent and essence, and the signature of the Love that named me love.

being so full of love, i must pour it out. make ripples of love that call out to others to do the same.

my prayer is echoed in the song i am listening to...

"let there be peace. let there be peace. let there be peace."

"let there be love. let there be love. let there be love."



i long to live up to my name more everyday. and my name is love. and i am filled with love from Love herself.

and i am seeing how blessed i am to be accompanied and filled by such a Spirit of love,
joy,
peace,
patience,
kindness,
goodness,
gentleness,
faithfulness,
self-control...

and may i ever strive to cultivate it.
in waves,
in trickles,
in ripples.

Monday, July 12, 2010

desert song

i realize that i have been writing a lot lately, but this is such a good outlet for me right now...

i went for a run tonight, and i am not a runner.

i have such a hard time pushing myself and breathing right and keeping good form, but sometimes, a good run is what i need to get some of the intensity out of my body.

my mind was still working overtime, but once it was time for my cool down, i started scrolling through my ipod and the word "hillsongs" caught my eye... i usually do not listen to worship music, even though i am a worship leader, but i decided to listen anyway - to the one song under the artist: desert song.

"this is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry"
"this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain"
"i will bring praise. no weapon formed against me shall remain."
"all of my life in every season you are still god i have a reason to sing i have a reason to worship."

i was so moved. and i felt like dancing. and i don't dance either...

i had a few thoughts today which all seemed to replay and connect while i walked a lap and listened to the song a couple of times through:

first, i am in a refining process... i am under fire and under hammer. being purged and forged.
i will be better and stronger for it.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
and those close to me are getting burned and struck too. and i wish i could erase my hurtful actions and words.
i am deeply and completely sorry and saddened that in some moments, i have acted opposite or spoken opposite to how i really feel.
i don't understand how i could have done this.
it isn't me.

but in this painful process, my relationships are also being tried by fire, and therefore refined.
and they will be stronger and better for it.
it hurts. it's difficult. thank you for sticking with me.
it will get better.
i will get better.
we will get better.

i think the same is happening in my relationship with god.
s/he is taking some heat from me too, but our relationship and my love for her/him is only growing and becoming stronger.

i also thought about the line from the song... "no weapon formed against me shall remain." i don't care for the war imagery we so often use in christian circles, and i saw this saying in a different light tonight...
from the view of nonviolent resistance. and how much more powerful is it to think that i who am standing for peace and for love shall not be overrun with force...
it was an encouraging thought i am still processing.

while i was listening to the song, i really did want to dance a little, right where i was... but i didn't. i thought about it, and realized that one day, i probably will
and on that day, i will dance twice. once for the original joy that set my feet in motion
and a second celebration for being so truly free that i have stopped caring what people think and i have begun to truly live.

and i think that day is coming soon... and so is my healing.
i am no longer waiting for it. i am chasing it.
i can't live like this. so i must begin to truly live.

i want to live.
i want to love better.
i want to be me and show my loved ones who they are to me:
so loved.

answer

i'm sitting here drinking coffee hardly able to believe what is going through my mind now...

i opened my window so i could listen to a beautiful morning storm - i like to hear the rain pelting and falling like blankets on the grass.

what i really really noticed though was the thunder

it sounds so completely different when i'm not completely confined to indoors. it sounds bigger, like it stretches across the entire sky; dancing between and over the mountains and through all the clouds.

i was thinking, maybe depression and angst (or whatever it is i am in) are like being stuck in a room where the windows are locked, and i cant hear clearly enough to know how big how vast how beautiful the sky is.

and there's one room i know of that is like this... the closet.

perhaps, as i was encouraged overnight by a dear like-minded friend, when i can be fully me with no secrets, then i will be able to find and cultivate the love i am so longing to give and build.

she pointed out, this dear one, how hard it would be for me to keep such a wonderful love a secret...

and it reminded me of lines i had written in a song, that
"real love cannot thrive inside of shame" and that "i'm gonna love. love is my name."
but before all of that,
"i have resolved love depends on me. and i cannot worry what people think of me."

perhaps my songs are prophecies to myself.

i sit here typing and drinking coffee after a night of disturbing dreams about being taken advantage of and hated for who i am and realize just what a difficult road it is that i journey. but the good news is i am not alone in that journey.

love continues to lift me. and now i'm going to try to figure out how to open a window and really see and hear what is out there... who is out there. and hold on to that hope.

Someone was listening. thank you God for most this amazing day. and for answering me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

questions

i feel so alone...

how long?

how do i hold on to hope?

why the almosts?

how long?

i know god is trying to teach me about trusting and waiting and giving and holding on... but why do i have to hurt like this?

why? is there something wrong with me? i do my best. i'm considerate and loving. i give all i have to give.

but i'm still alone...?

why do i long to give myself even more and love someone?

why do selfish people have someone but i don't?
why don't things work out for me?
why why why?

how long?
what's wrong?
who is there?
when?
why why why not?

i want to shut it off. sleep awhile. please.

reprieve, relief...


answer me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

hold

my friends, my dear friends

near

far

are holding on to hope for me

when i have lost my grip.

the hope that love will find me

and i will be free to give and be.

and in this holding,

they - many of you, are holding on to me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

oneness

there are all kinds of wonderful sounds coming through my window along with the warm, still summer air.

amazing how still and yet vibrant the night is.

i wonder.

wonder if this stillness and vitality in dance with one another is a reflection of my life as now and to come...

i really cannot express how much, how deeply, how truly desperately i long to love another. how deeply and profoundly i love and how much i want to give but absolutely cannot.

is it possible that i experience a stillness now, while love is growing or becoming?

is it possible that there are things i am unaware of and that i will be able to give my love fully to another one day?

sometimes i say outloud that i wonder if i will ever know romantic love. if i will ever be able to fully give what is inside of me.

sometimes i say i wonder if i am selfish

one dear friend pointed out that its selfless. especially the way i love.

i have such a hard time understanding, and i have so many why questions running through my head right now, and my heart hurts.

a cigar, some fresh air, some incense, some listening... and still the pain of another lonely night ebbs and flows.

i want to come home to someone.
i want her to come home to me.
i want to meet her at the door with flowers.
i want to kiss her good morning.

i want to have a family.
i want someone to hold my hand and someone to want me to hold hers.
i want to take care of her.
i want her to take care of me.

i'm turning 29 in two weeks, and i realized that no one has ever called me "baby". no one has ever kissed me - i mean really kissed me.

i feel pathetic.

and there are so many sounds coming in my window right now. so many creatures singing and calling out to one another. if i didn't think i'd wake the neighbors, i'd go to my window right now, and i'd lift up my own song. i'd call out...

are you out there?
do you know how much love there is in my heart?
do you know how good i want to be to you?

is there someone out there who loves me?
is there someone out there who wants me too?
can you call for me too?

darling, i'm waiting. i'm here.


maybe my calls and song are frivolous. perhaps foolish and naive.
perhaps not.

i'm seeing myself more and more as someone who is going to make a great partner. parts of my identity are becoming louder, and i am giving them room to breathe.

i can see myself as a beautiful woman, a fun girl, a sweet boy, a handy butch lesbian. i know that none of these on their own describe me, but together, i see a convergence that starts to paint a picture of me. it's just a beginning.

i see myself as already a devoted spouse, an amazing mother, a considerate lover, a hardworking professional. though i have no spouse, children, or even a career that i've settled on... perhaps seeing myself in this way is a sign of hope.

the symphony outside is so loud. when i stop typing, i can pick out the individual sounds... i'm so intrigued how so many different voices singing different songs and calling out different "words" can sound so much like one.

perhaps i can find some hope in this insight.

perhaps there is someone singing a song for me tonight.

my mind also goes to the "grander scheme" which is hard to say and is honestly so hard to think about right now because of the greatness of the pangs of longing for the experience of love to become commensurate with what i feel and long for... a relationship...

nevertheless, perhaps, though we are all lifting our different voices, we can find a oneness just as i hope to find a oneness in partnership, i hope for oneness in the community local and global. for peace. for love.

there is more in my head, more ideas and thoughts on God and reflecting her image. but i will save that for another day.

for now, i am listening to the song. and all of its parts. and the song is greater than the sum of them.

perhaps, my desire for oneness is reflected in this truth as well. oneday, i hope to love so greatly, and give myself so fully, that the two of us will be greater for it, as will the world around us and the people with whom we live.

a love that is inclusive and giving,
inspiring and gracious,
inviting and grateful.

persistent
peace-making
patient

forgiving
friendship
forever

passionate
compassionate

real

ours

theirs

always hoping
never envying

enduring

oneness

love.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

lift

love lifted me

up where i belong

away from the darkness and depths

out of the black waters i was drowning in

when nothing else could help

an unspoken assurance that things will not always be this way

the pain and ache throughout my limbs melted away at the touch of another, funny how a hug can do more and say more for me than any amount of words

kind eyes that see me and see the best in me

laughter

invitation

simplicity in just living side by side

groceries, chacos, smiling

love

lifted me.

thank you.

i hope love lifts you, the reader, too. and may you go on lifting.

and to you, the lifter, may this love carry you too. always.