Tuesday, March 31, 2009

swear word

i have to admit: i feel a little guilty about how the last couple of posts have been dark and depressing... but then i think, well it's where i'm at... and i really see that many of the things i am sorting through are things that other lesbians and gay men struggle through. things that haunt us. things that disillusion us. things that tell us lies - that we are unloved and unlovable.

too often, we find ourselves isolated and alone, and unwelcome in certain circles - namely: the Church… and there is one word that sums up the frustration, hurt and disappointment. a word that too many people see as positive. a word that divides and a word that creates distance and difference of power.


tolerance.

this is a swear word.


if you really love people who are gay, don’t use it. don’t speak it. don’t think it. and definitely don’t encourage it.


think about how that word is used… usually, when we say it, we mean that we will put up with, bear, or endure something that kind of irks us, annoys us, or, pardon the expression, just absolutely pisses us off.


now, here is where some people are going to disagree and start arguing with me, but please read further…


i understand that many people who believe that “homosexual behavior” is wrong think tolerance is a great thing… however, since when is it ok to tell someone that you are tolerant of them as a person? and since when is it ok to group together people who were made in the image of God and label them all as an issue… and furthermore, an issue we are “tolerant” of…?


no, my friends, we cannot be tolerant of people. tolerance is not enough… reconciliation – that’s the aim we should be rising to… now that may mean being “tolerant” of behaviors that we disagree with… but people need to be accepted, affirmed, and validated.


we need a new vocabulary.


a vocabulary of love. a vocabulary of commitment. a vocabulary of true community.


i’m still sorting through what this might look like… and i hope that others will join me in thinking this through…


for me, and probably many other gay people, tolerance is like being lukewarm… people who say they are tolerant are people who don’t want to fully embrace us because they see us as lepers or depraved sinners, but they are too concerned about their image to admit that…


so they choose “tolerance” … and it makes us want to vomit.


reconciliation.


please.


it is possible…

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

today is a good day


the past few days have been difficult. actually the last few weeks have been difficult. i have felt worthless and unloved. depression has told me lies and i believed them. some things i am not sure whether or not they are lies, and i still struggle for answers. i stopped believing God cares. i stopped believing people care. no matter what friends have said to tell me otherwise. i have felt used, though i know it isn't true. i have wanted to call someone and tell her i am not ok, but froze when i highlighted her name in my address book on my phone... wouldn't it be bothersome to call someone right now? don't all my friends have enough to worry about as it is? am i attention or approval seeking? just how much trouble am i in? where is the line between entertaining self-destructive thoughts and being self destructive? where does danger begin? when is it ok to call?


i know i am not out of the woods yet, but today has been a good day. the dandelions and purple clover that dot my yard tell me winter is over and new life is budding. the breeze and warm air are refreshing and invigorating. life seems more hopeful and like it might just be worth living.

during a time of silence, recently, i got into a position that represents how i am before God. (I got the idea from a book on silence and solitude by ruth haley barton) . i found myself with my knees drawn to my chest, head down, and hands over my head... it reminded me of a tornado drill in elementary or middle school. it was as if i were expecting to be crushed. call me crazy, but when i was in this position, i could hear in my heart God saying, "c, you're my daughter and i love you" so i lowered my hands, but left my head hanging down in shame. i still feel stuck in my relationship with God, but i do have hope it is getting better.

i feel more confident about reaching out to the friend i wanted to talk to.

i feel important and like my life has meaning.

though i know rain and storms are on their way,

today is a good day.

and i hope it lasts...

Friday, March 6, 2009

possiblility


the air outside feels inviting... like the coming night in late spring. the sky is clear. the stars visible. and the moon, though not full, is shining so brightly that i feel like i am being pulled like the tide and i can almost touch the heavens when i stand on my toes...


i throw my head back and take it all in, take a deep breath of the fresh air. i light up the remaining stub of my cigar i have been working on since early October... just taking a few drags here and there. it's really dry now, and doesn't taste as sweet, but i welcome the bitterness and the warm, heavy smoke in and out my mouth and whispering through my hair. savoring the moment.

i look around at all of the houses i can see in my neighborhood... some with porch lights burning, some with yellow light coming through the blinds, some with a familiar blue ambiance radiating through the windows... i wonder what is so intriguing on their televisions... what could be more entertaining, engrossing, invigorating, or inspiring... than a night like tonight? a night when you can look up and really feel connected with the sky and what lies beyond it. with Who lies beyond it. and in it. and beneath it. surrounding...

i wonder if God loves me. i look up at the bright moon, feeling like i could touch it, though i know it is so far away i never will... i believe God is here with me. Jesus is with me. yeah, I believe I am "saved" and being made more and more whole. that the Spirit is working in me... but I am having a hard time lately, really and truly believing that God loves me. believing that i can touch God Godself.

i wonder if i am unclean, unworthy
- yes, yes -
but does it matter?
no... but i struggle to accept it...

i am fearfully and wonderfully made. we all are.

wonderfully...

fearfully...

i fear that i will not feel God's love again. no more gentle whispers. no more reassurance. just die and wake to find that the love had been there - though i did not sense it... would love be any less then? any less valuable? any less powerful? i think not. i think i would still give my life for it.

i look for reason and find it through conversation. through love. with a friend who is willing to touch lepers. a friend who means love. this angst i feel... this existential crisis of feeling alone and unloved... it is but a fraction of what other lesbians and gay men experience. those who feel completely abandoned, forgotten, and hated by both people and God. those who have no hope. those who reside in depressions so deep i cannot fathom, and those who contemplate to end their lives... if it's the only reason i can find, i'm ok with that. i'm ok with knowing that i have felt a touch of the pain that my sisters and brothers feel day in day out and experience as a heavy cloud which shrouds every aspect of their lives. i have no doubt that God loves them. perhaps one day, light will break through, and i can truly rejoice with them when it does. perhaps i can help bring that light. God knows i want to...

God knows... and yet, God loves.

i have not solved this. do not feel full resolve... still feel dissonance, discontinuity, and a sense of struggle and wonder...

but i connected with something tonight - as i took the last drag off of that black and mild, stamped out the ash, and took in some more fresh air... i connected with the possibility that i am loved. i am desired. and that that love will stop at nothing to hold me... it is possible...

so i threw back my head once more, gazed at the sky and said, "dear God... do you love me?" then sighed and came inside...