Wednesday, September 29, 2010

live creatively (in part: the first)

i am so incredibly tired.

i am tired of “fighting the good fight.” of forgiving. of being patient. of sacrifice.

i’m tired of pain. tired of a broken heart which has been shattered like window panes assaulted by stones. i’m tired of the anger, the frustration, the failure. of the pain in my chest, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat.

i am weary.

tonight, i thought of a verse… do not grow weary in doing good. i was thinking about how weary i am of being good. how weary i am of seeing other people reap the benefits of my goodness while i am alone. i feel selfish saying it, but it is true.

then i looked up the verse in galatians 6, and more hot tears filled my eyes.

from “the message”…

1-3 live creatively, friends. if someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. you might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. share their burdens, and so complete christ's law. if you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

4-5make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don't be impressed with yourself. don't compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

6be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.

7-8don't be misled: no one makes a fool of god. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring god!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he'll have to show for his life is weeds! but the one who plants in response to god, letting god's spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

9-10so let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

i needed this. tonight. on september 29, 2010 around 7 pm. i needed it.

i want to live more creatively. maybe that is the answer.

god, oh, god… i need you now.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

finds me

with the new day i am realizing a wonderful and terrible truth that terrifies me.

we cannot escape love.

everytime i try, i am drawn in once again.

when i feel like putting my hands up in surrender, i find it's love that has me captive.

in the moments when i fall from weariness

it's love that catches me.

in the darkness,

it's love that gives me my bearings.

when i rebel

it's love that disciplines me.

when i run,

love pursues me.

and when i am lost,

love finds me.

Monday, September 27, 2010

clearing of the trees

i feel like my world is falling apart. but maybe it should. maybe i need to build a new world.

yesterday, i went for a walk in the woods. many of the trees there had been cut down. i wondered about hope for them. and struggled with the tension of preventing forest fires by clearing some of the land and my desire for preserving trees that were centuries old. i touched the stump of a great red oak. i felt like crying.

i found a beautiful clearing in a boulder field. natural wonders. i wanted to stay and i thought about walden and thoreau and other examples of living simply. i thought about how i could do something similar in that spot. i thought about how connected i want to be with creation, with the natural world.

i wondered if i should remove myself from people for a bit. i figured out how much i long for relationships. i figured out how much i do to fit in. i figured out how much i do because i think it will win approval and respect. i thought about how i am not that person.

today, everything is in a whirlpool, swirling in the depths, and i can't swim. i'm drowning.
everything is in a whirlwind. it is in a funnel cloud. and i cannot fly. i'm falling.

i feel like i am reaching for something to hold on to, but i don't know what to grab.
i don't even know where i've been or who i've been.

all i know is that i loved.
for better or worse. and i fear the worst.

all i know is i am shaken. because i, who have been so full of love, and named love
have in my efforts to love
failed.

i am at a loss. i don't know what to do or say. i cannot make this better. and i know it.
it is an uncomfortable knowing, to be so fallible.

i feel like a fool. who had everyone fooled.

i feel like retreating. but i know not when where or how.

i am stuck.

maybe everything needed to be cut down. even the things i thought were beautiful. was i deceived? did i deceive? myself? others? was i just misguided? was i even wrong at all? or was i right? does it matter now?

maybe i need to have a clearing. so i can change my life. so i can work for good.

have i been working for good? or have i been working for evil?

how am i to know? i thought i was working for good... i was so sure of it...
now, i am not.

all i talk about and say is love. because it is the one thing i know is true. but today, i am making the decision to believe in it because it doesn't feel so natural right now. but i have to believe in love. because Love is all i have and all i am. i am nothing without it. without Love Loveself.

i'm holding on, nails dug into the rock face.

trying to regain a place to stand. a place to speak and live love.

and i am breathing. wondering, silently, if i will fall.

Monday, September 13, 2010

unsettled

tonight i am thinking about an exodus... i don't know if i will leave or not. but i know it is time for a change. something is being renewed and it is time for some transition and change.

i need to exit the world of academia, the world of evangelical extremism/terrorism, the world of the south, the world of hate...

today, i was walking to my truck and a hawk flew into a tree about 25 feet in front of me. when i got to the tree, i stood under it and just looked up til i spotted her. i looked her in the eyes for a while and just watched her... it took my breath away.

last thursday night, a beautiful person i love beyond my understanding was upset and i held her for a couple minutes and it touched my heart in a way that it still isn't the same. and it wrecked me and healed me all at once...

that same night, i talked with a room full of 18 yr old girls about the experience of being a woman and about what it means to let down our guards, go deeper, and relate to one another...

even later that night, i wrote a lullaby for that dear friend i held, and i have been singing it ever since...

those are the worlds i want to live in.

the ache is deep and growing deeper...

and i am more and more restless and unsettled...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

renewal

i am still working through recent happenings and conversations. there have been rifts, and there have been reconciliations. i have had my hand held during difficult moments. and i have been able to hold someone in hers.

this morning i awoke and soon heard the sound of rain on my roof.

it makes me think of washing away impurities. on this beautiful new day morning.

the word in my mind is renewal. and i am seeing it in every area of my life.

renewal is a process and a moment all in one.

a series of new beginnings and a shift in direction.

a re-creation.

i am thankful for the renewals in my life. the ones that have come out of good and the ones that have come out of me trying to make sense of good in the midst of evil and pain.

there is a renewal of love.

love for God.
love for others.
love for me.
love for life.

there is a renewal of the spirit to spread renewal.

and with every drop of rain i hear and every breath i take in, i feel my soul renewed and energized to go out and change the world around me. for better. and for love. and for Love.

Monday, September 6, 2010

3 am

i just want to sleep...

but instead it is 3am and i cannot stop crying. my heart is racing, and i feel like a panic attack is coming on.

why?

because they don't get it. the people who should.

i wonder why i am so hurt. all the talk of "sin" and "same-sex attraction" and such is nothing new. i have sat in class after class and listened to speaker after speaker say the same thing for the past several years...

i wondered if i have grown weaker somehow...

but, i think it is because i am actually stronger. i finally love myself now. and i cannot tolerate anyone, any thought, any action that threatens or degrades my identity.

how hard is it to get that my identity is in christ just as much as anyone else's but that my being a lesbian is also core to who i am?

i am starting to wonder if i can fight this fight much longer... i feel like i need to get out of here. it is only hurting me.

i need to say some things, knowing the people that need to hear them probably will never lay eyes on this blog...

i am not abnormal or pathological.
i do not have a disease.
my love is not sinful.

i am wonderfully and fearfully made.
i bear the image of God.
my love is beautiful.

i love being a follower of christ, and i love being a lesbian.
i love being a lesbian, and i love following christ.

i devote my life to god, no less
i will commit to one woman oneday- to love, honor, and cherish her for as long as we live

and it all does go together - and i am proof of it.

i am ready to separate myself from those who continue to wound me, from institutions which are set against me and to walk in freedom at last. not only am i ready, i see now that i have no choice.

Friday, September 3, 2010

call and response

a while back ago, i wrote a liturgy... please feel free to share it. use it. critique it.

it's a prayer of repentance, reconciliation, and resolve. i didn't mean to make it happen in 3's but to me that reflects the trinity, who i addressed in the first line... the way it builds is reflective of a crescendo in musical terms, also not on purpose, and the ending is reflective of a fermata, again, just happened. but i like it that way, and you have to hear or see the whole thing to get that effect.


First line is the call. In parentheses is the response...



Father, Son, and Spirit

(We repent for our silence)

Concerning injustices in our own nation and abroad

(We repent for our silence)

Concerning injustices that happen outside and inside Your Body, the Church

(We repent for our silence)


In turning away from our sins of omission

(We will be aware and act)

In turning away from our sins of commission

(We will work for restoration)

In turning away from our sins of rejection

(We will welcome)


To the homeless, the immigrant, and the refugee

(Welcome home)

To the prostitute, the battered, and the emotionally broken

(You are loved )

To those who are gay or lesbian and to those who have had abortions

(You are our brothers and our sisters)


For all who are oppressed

(We will pray without ceasing)

For those who are oppressors

(We will pray without ceasing)

For oppression to end

(We will pray and we will act)


Let grace and mercy abound

(We throw away our stones)

We throw away our stones

(Let grace and mercy abound)


All:
Let justice flow

Let it start with us

Let justice flow

Let it start with us

Thursday, September 2, 2010

liturgy

i had lunch with a friend today. it had been too long since we last sat together. there was so much we caught up on. it was truly wonderful to reconnect with her.

after talking about our lives and where we are heading, we found ourselves talking about spirituality and the power of liturgy. and the beauty we find in it.

we talked about the sacredness and the connectedness in groups of people speaking the same words, and i had a thought come to me... words that have been spoken for generations. the apostle's creed, psalm 23, the nativity story, the easter story, the communion narrative...

then another thought...

do we not have unofficial liturgies which we speak daily? words that people all over the world have spoken and are speaking...

what of the liturgy of "i love you"?

i shared my thought with my friend and she played a little devil's advocate with me (she's so good at it) and made me think... just as we sometimes say creeds without engaging with the sacredness of the moment, haven't we made "i love you" into a statement that has lost its meaning - not treating it with the reverence and beauty it deserves?

what if we truly adopted a liturgy of love?

today, i was walking down the sidewalk at the university i attend and work at, thinking about all of this and thinking about a situation on campus where i am trying to share my perspective as a lesbian, and not being received by people i thought would receive me. i was snapped out of my thoughts when i heard several guys yelling right beside me. a car.

"bitch."
"whore."
"dyke."

all yelled in less than 2 seconds.

the car sped off.

it isn't the first time this has happened.

except the other time the phrase yelled was "fucking lesbian." and i was on the other side of the same street.

a liturgy of hate.

i am so angry. and i am scared. and i know it is time to break the silence about how gay and lesbian students are treated on my campus. but we can't say anything because we know how the administration feels about us... we are an "issue"... not only that, but an "issue" they would rather ignore, intellectualize, and keep in a place of invisibility and silence.

well, enough is enough. and it's been too much.

but i know i must act wisely and speak out within the context of love and community.

i also know i must speak out. despite my fears. and i must speak a liturgy of love and ask others to join me in it.

if we say "i love you" and mean it, and embrace the holiness and beauty of speaking those words and other liturgies of love, will we not drown out the creeds of hatred, malice, and violence? will we not assert together that love shall lead us? will we not connect to one another through words of love and actions of love so powerfully that the binding cannot be broken by hate?

does love not conquer and cover?

will you join me in overcoming hatred through action and breaking the silence?

and will you stand with me and speak with me: a liturgy of love?