cheer on

my church community did a series not too long ago on the first part of hebrews 12.

it talks about a "great cloud of witnesses" cheering us on. it follows hebrews 11, which talks about all of these people who are examples of having good faith. people who were broken in some profound ways. people who faced all kinds of challenges. people like me. people like you.

one of the conversations we had as a community was about what it means to be cheered on. there was a comparison of a crowd in a stadium, cheering someone on as they are finishing a race. it sounded exciting and encouraging. it sounded inspiring and hopeful.

it sounded good.

last night i went to a major league baseball game for the first time. the stadium was at least half empty, but the size of it all was overwhelming.

it was my first time to attend a major sporting event, and i honestly didn't expect much of it. baseball lost its luster for me a while back ago, even though i loved it so much as a kid, i collected players' cards. i still have all of them.

the pre-game was somewhat entertaining:
kids running in size 16 shoes, racing around the bases, putting on the mariner's uniform.
2 people who threw first pitches.
intros of the teams.
a group sang the star spangled banner.

i was having a decent time, laughing, enjoying people watching.

the home team pitcher struck out all of the opposing team. there were a few hits from the home team.

i was struck by the quiet in between noise. no commentary, like there is on t.v.

i was full of processing. of the game. of my surroundings. of my own feelings and thoughts and what is going on in my life. and in the lives of the friends i was with.

then something happened.

someone hit the ball, and someone else ran home to increasing cheers from the crowd.

the umpire gave the safe signal.

from under me, behind me, in front of me, on my left, on my right, and above me...

energy.

the crowd erupted, and i could literally feel vibrations from the noise, the applause, the excitement.

the cheering on.

tears immediately hit my eyes. and i felt my mouth open. i did my best to take it all in. to remember it. to build an altar here, as one of my friends would say, to remember when and what has been spoken to us.

cheering on.
great cloud.
witnesses.

bigger and more inspiring, exciting, encouraging, hopeful, and better than i could ever imagine.

i thought about how much we all need that. to be supported and loved and cheered on.

our relationships need support and encouragement.

our supporters need encouragement and support from us.

it saddened me when i thought about the lack of support for gay marriages and gay rights in many areas of the world. and the lack of support in many of our social circles and families.

but

we are not alone or forgotten.

there are people who offer support and affirmation and love.


my gay and lesbian and bisexual and transgendered and questioning friends...
we are cheered on.

my supportive and affirming straight friends,
you are cheered on.

to my friends who are unsure of what you think and unsure of how supportive or affirming you are,
you are cheered on.

and we cheer each other on.
and those who went before us cheer us on.
and the Maker of those and us and of the earth and the sky and the wonders beyond it
cheers us on.
Love loves' self cheers us on.

and so we cheer for love
and Love
and life
and hope
and redemption
and reconciliation

and love
and love!
and Love!
and LOVE!

and love. wins. wins.
Wins.
WINS.

and
we
can be
part
of
it
and
cheer
and
run
and
hope
and
believe
and
hallelujah!

LOVE.

letter

i have a somewhat heavy heart as i am leaving a place i have called home since the summer of 2005, and a community i have been part of since the fall of 2005, and another community i have been part of since the spring of 2006.

though i am not severing the relationships i have built with so many wonderful people, there is a change which is occurring as i am cluing more and more people into who i really am and am hiding less and less.

for the most part, it has been wonderful and healing to feel free to be me and impact others by being myself.

however, there is still a sting which i must voice. and direct to a specific community i belong to. my alma mater and former employer. a place that prides itself on being a family. and so, an open letter to them (you):

dear lee university family,

i first came to you in the fall of 2005, excited to finally be part of a school which i had dreamt of coming to as an adolescent. though i was 24, and older than most students, i found relationships and excitement and love of learning from the very first week of attending class.

throughout my experience with you as both an undergraduate and then graduate student and then later as an employee, i was challenged to grow and supported in my academic, faith, and relational pursuits. i have never felt so valued and encouraged and affirmed for who i am... except for one part of me which i had to hide so much that it nearly cost me everything...

i am gay.

lee family, most of you only knew a part of me. i apologize for not telling you sooner, but you must understand the fear and the silencing that i endured. you must understand the pain i felt as many of you made ignorant statements, abrasive and offensive jokes, and some of you even directed hate speech at me, driving by me and yelling "fucking lesbian" or "dyke" as i was walking on campus.

i am not alone. whether you want to admit it, see it, realize it, and do anything about it or not, the campus you claim is a place where Christ is King is a place where people like me are often rejected, ignored, silenced and even abused. a place where we have had to search out for pockets of safety and often forced to navigate that alone as there is no formal support for those of us who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered. a place where people like me live in fear of being kicked out of school, hated, and fear being alone. but we are alone. and the face of Christ is tarnished by a film of disdain and disgust which the face of our Lord and Savior does not actually bare.

we have all been robbed. robbed of the chance to get to know one another more fully. but who is the thief? is the thief fear? your fear or mine? is the thief oppression? is the thief ignorance? is it policy that committed the crime? maybe it was a group of bandits.

because of the seemingly uncrossable distance... the silencing, the lack of feeling free to be open, the lack of the ability to be open... you miss out. you miss out on knowing some very wonderful people and celebrating some very beautiful relationships and families. you miss out on supporting us and cheering us on and being part of our lives in a meaningful way.

you miss us.

we miss out. we feel a deep sadness when we see the support that straight couples receive on campus and by administration, staff, and faculty and know that there are often not even crumbs falling from the table for us. we miss you knowing us fully. we miss you knowing us as couples and families and so miss your cheering. we also miss being able to pour into you by inspiring love with our own love. by supporting you as couples and families who would love to be active, giving members of our family at lee.

we miss you.

we all miss out.

and surely, this is not the community Christ wants. this pomp and circumstance show. this "you and you but not you are welcome," this "well, you can stay if you try to change or if you don't act on it," this us and them. the scapegoating. the blame. the fear. the lack of love.

i have great hope for you, lee. i have hope that more and more the people who are loving and supportive will outweigh the people who aren't. that one day, a young lesbian will come to that school and not live in constant fear while she is part of our lee family.

i have hope that you will see us. your children. your gay children, who you have treated and labeled as black sheep. and that you will come to value and love and appreciate all that we have to offer. that you will say to us,

"baa baa black sheep"
(come here, dearly loved ones)
"have you any wool?"
(you are so valued for who you are and the gifts and personality and love you have. will you share it?)

and we will say to you,

"yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full"
(here we are, all of us.)
"one for the master, one for the dame, one for little boy who lives down the lane."
(we will give to the Lord, we will give and share with you, and we will walk with you, hand in hand, and work for justice together.)

may it be so.

sincerely,
charity

pain

i was reminded today of pain i caused someone i love very deeply. you know who you are.

pain i caused because of my ability to be oblivious to others when i am hurting. pain i caused because, somehow, even when i least want to, i manage to damage where i mean to heal, to break when i mean to build, to show carelessness when i mean to show love.

it reminded me of the deep sadness and pain i felt during a few weeks. the hopelessness and despair. and how my own paralysis wounded those i care most about.

i am struggling now, since i have been reminded, to know what to do. i wish to say, "i am sorry and please forgive me and it isn't true that i don't love you or that i do not mean what i say. i do love you..." a thousand times over.

but i know that my words are nothing. instead, i am left with my own weight of guilt and regret and wishing i could go back in time.

but i cannot.

no one can.

i am wondering now, what my future holds. how i might change. how i might be better. if i really can love like i say i do. like i want to. like i believe i do, but somehow must not.

and yet must.

i am tired. and feeling a little anxious. moving in with family while i am transitioning into literally only God knows what where and whom it will be with.

i hope i can only love better and better.

and i hope, dear one, that you have forgiven me and know that i do love you. always.

date night

(i wrote this on may 2^nd)

i’ve known i was gay since i was 5 years old.

i started suppressing it just after. the pushing down of a big part of my soul only grew as the years went on. being 13 and in a locker room full of girls was torture. i didn’t know which way to look. i hid behind modesty and faced the lockers and stared at the cold grey metal.

being 16 and having intense deep feelings for friends was confusing.

being 23 and dating a guy for the last time felt odd and like something was missing.

i used to throw up on my dates with guys.

poor guys... they had to pull over their cars or suvs on more than one occasion. i would throw up before dates, during dates, and after dates.

as if i was vomiting out all the torture inside just to make it more visible and to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

reminding me of how

this

wasn’t

going

to work.

i only kissed one guy… my boyfriend when i was 14. i had to go to the bathroom to dry heave after.

he was wonderful,

but something wasn’t right.

and still, dates were never what other girls talked them up to be.

i never had the courage to ask a girl on a date. i didn’t even readily admit i was gay ‘til i was in my mid-twenties and spent a couple of years before i finally reached a point of accepting myself. i only just graduated from a school where being gay isn’t allowed. and my last day of working there has come and gone.

so here i am, twenty-nine years old, and i just had my first date with someone i really wanted to date – another woman.

i’ve been referring to it as “my first official girl date.”

we planned on it just being a fun date. we have been flirting with each other. we are friends, but there is still a lot to know about one another – enough mystery you could say, to add to the fun of getting to know each other.

on wednesday, i cleaned house, and i went to the store and bought a bouquet of flowers for her. i also bought the ingredients and made chocolate covered strawberries, with good chocolate. i took a shower after all my hard work and put on a black button down with a purple tie. my hair and make-up looked great.

it was storming outside, and something felt odd. i went downstairs and realized the storm was getting bad. the hail was very strange. i took cover in a small nook/hallway. a fury of storm went through, then an eerie silence. for the next 3-5 minutes, i screamed “jesus christ, son of god. oh my god. jesus. please. help. oh jesus…” as a tornado ripped through my neighborhood, roaring in my ears and shaking my house. i have never been so frightened. i can’t describe what i saw, heard, and felt.

i called my mom and could barely find the words. i stuttered a lot. my house only had minor damage. but there was so much destruction around me.

i texted a few friends, including my date. she called me. pretty much the same conversation as with my mom. i am not sure. i can’t remember.

she texted me. she kept me talking. she told me she was coming.

she came.

in the lull between more storms that became tornadoes in our area. she drove through a fallen tree, brought her laptop, and we watched a movie by candle light. she held me. she let me be weak. she took care of me. she let me hold her, too.

it was nothing like what i had planned. it was the best date i have ever had.

it made me realize that as i weather more storms in life, i do want to have another woman with me, to love and be loved by, to have and hold and be had and held by. and i will.

it made me realize that i deserve to be loved and cherished and be in a healthy relationship when the time for relationship is right. it made me realize that i have so much love and care in my heart, and i so long to give it.

and i will.

my first real date. in the middle of chaos and fear.

it made me realize that more and more, what i believe is true…

love does win.

and that night and the next as she held me again, it put fear in its place.

lost time

i know i have been silent for a very long time.

however, my heart has not been silent.

this has been such a ground-breaking year for me thus far...

i graduated and then became an employee of the institution which held me (mostly) silent. i worked as a counselor and as an educator. i found new ways to use my voice while staying cautious in my temporary, still-in-the-closet (but only partially) setting.

i went to my first gay wedding. two dear friends of mine. an amazing weekend in washington d.c. that literally changed my life and infused me with hope and possibility.

i went through a tornado.
i had my first official date with another woman.
in the same night.

i came out to students i was responsible for educating and shared much of my story and words from some of my gay and lesbian friends. and i saw so much openness and loving it brought me to tears.

all of this, and more, i will be writing about.

i am in the middle of transition, and life is only getting more and more exciting as i see it open up into more and more exciting opportunities for me.

so, get ready. i have a lot of time to make up for.

and you will see, as i have,

that love wins.

hope survives.

grace shields.

peace and reconciliation are real.

and love, yes and amen, love

wins. wins. wins.