confession

it is the tail end of advent season. with this past sunday being the sunday of the angel. or peace sunday. or love sunday. all beautiful and wonderful names for one day of celebration for the ultimate beginning. for the very coming of Love and the peace on earth that Love brought and continues to bring.

it is christmastime. and i have been singing songs that declare the tidings of joy, of reconciliation, of emmanuel - the very God of the universe with us. it doesn't get any more mysterious, beautiful, or wonderful than that.

i have found myself thinking about confession more, as i have been confessing that Christ is Lord. through songs, hymns, recording projects, gifts, celebrations, love and relationship.

a few weeks ago, i spoke in chapel at the university i just graduated from. the one that forced me into silence through intimidation and shame. the one i strategically and miraculously rebelled against in small ways, through speaking anyway. through letting people know me anyway. through conversations and gentle corrections and sometimes passionate rebukes.

when i spoke, i spoke on confession. it was very brief, and conversational in tone. i'm not an expert.

i talked about confession in the context of love and relationship. about how true relationship means, as one church website put it, "forever saying we are sorry."

i talked about how confession in relationship also means confessing what is good, what is beautiful, and what is true.

i talked about how confession breaks through isolation, read a quote from dietrich bonhoeffer that says "sin would have a man (or a woman) alone..."

what i did not say, but would have if i had been safe to, is how important confession is for people like me. for gay people.

not because we are in sin.
but because we are so often alone.

being alone and living in shame leaves a scar.

my therapist said something to me a couple months ago that has stuck with me. he said, "charity, we are the only people group in the world that have to fight to feel good about loving who we love."

that fight to feel good has it's own weariness. and i have so often grown weary and tired.

last night, i had a dream that has become all too familiar to me. it is a recurring dream. a dream about trying to hide something shameful and dirty. but being forced to put it in the open where everyone can see it... last night, the dream was more intense than ever.

i know where it comes from. it comes from hiding a part of me i was once ashamed of. even though i am coming out more and more everyday, and even though i now see the lesbian part of me as beautiful and wonderfully made: i still live in the effects of years of shame. i still bear the scar of secrecy and loneliness. of silence rather than confession.

i have also found wonderful healing and great joy in sharing, in confessing all of who i am. in sharing in my joy of loving someone who is also a woman. in speaking about the type of partnership i want to have. in talking about my unique perspective.

i have experienced being loved. and i have listened to repentant friends and colleagues say "i am sorry" for words and actions which they did not know hurt me. many times, we both received love and forgiveness and celebrated reconciliation with one another.

in order for reconciliation to occur, confession must be present.

confession makes room for healing and connection for ourselves and for our relationships and community.

we, who are gay or lesbian must confess/share who we are. there must be communities of safety and love where we experience the freedom to do this. to confess our love. to confess our experience. to confess the things that have wounded us and to confess the ways in which we have sometimes failed to love or be loved.

we, who are the church must confess our transgressions. we must strive to create communities of safety and love where everyone gay or straight can experience the freedom of truly being known and loved. we must confess our love. and confess the things that get in the way of our love. and ask for forgiveness for the wounds we have caused and for our failures to love or be loved.

we all must live a confessional life together. in true relationship. have difficult conversations and thus take our relationships with one another to a deeper and more intimate level as a community and body. we must confess, together, the truth and beauty of love and faith. confess, together, that Love conquers all. that Love is the reason. that we carry that Love in us.

when we creatively live a confessional life together, the floodgates of love and justice will pour out in hope and peace.

the bindings of secrecy and shame will be broken, and the chains will begin to fall off of us all - the oppressed and the oppressors.

sharp tongues will learn gentleness and will drip with correcting love instead of hatred and bigotry.

the lonely will find a warm embrace and the afraid will find shelter.

and the advent of christ will continue through us. bringing his mustard seed kingdom in the now but not yet, invading the way we have known life without really living. and growing and infiltrating the spaces of silence until a resounding chorus builds into echoes of mercy, forgiveness, hope and Love

in everlasting joy and peace.

may it ever be so.

out

hi,

my name is charity. and i love jesus. i pray i leave the fragrance of God everywhere i go. that people see God's love more than they see me.

my name is charity. and i am a lesbian. i love women. i have had the great joy of loving someone who is the same gender as me, even if we aren't together in that way now. one day, i will commit to one other woman as my life partner. and i will love her fully.

my name is charity. and i am reconciliation. i am change. i am hope. i am love.

my name is charity. i'm loved. and i'm hiding less and less. and i am loved. so loved.

i'm coming out... in the process...

and i'm shutting that closet door for good.