Sunday, June 5, 2011

nail

a while back ago, i wrote a journal entry about what it is like to live in the closet.

Closet (2/10/09; midnight)

This is the way my closet once was ->

It was a world, the world in which I lived

But more like a shadow because I was afraid to come to life. I was not fully known. There was a bed and books – books about being gay and the rightness/wrongness arguments, the Bible, and people’s experiences. There were letters to the outside – little hints and conversations to see whether or not it was safe to come out. There was a noose on the ceiling with no windows or light. But there was no ladder or chair to reach the noose because suicide was a constant thought, but I never had the means or full desire to carry it out.

Now my closet has a revolving door. Sometimes I am allowed the freedom to step outside and breathe the air and bask in the sunshine which so many take for granted. I can be known and am known by some and I am getting stronger for it. I am moving out some of my possessions. I no longer sleep there and I am bringing the books out into the light so I can see them better. The noose has been cut down, and I am feeling alive. Sometimes, I must retreat to my closet and poke my head out the revolving door to see when it’s safe to exit once more.

One day, I will exit for good. And I will bring all of my stuff with me. I will board up the door with hammer and nails and enlist my friends to help me. I want to make sure that neither I nor anyone else can be trapped in that closet again.

People do not live in closets… skeletons do. And skeletons are only shadows of persons who once were. There is no life. No potential. No beauty. Only death and decay.

Outside, there is sun, earth, and rain – a place to grow and become. A place to be. A place to live.

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more than 2 years has gone by since that entry, and it still grabs me. i think it gets at the heart of some of the pain i endured. by not being myself. by hiding part of myself.

well, i will have you know that the hammer has been in my hand this weekend.
i have driven in the final nail in the boards i have placed over my closet door.

many of you, dear dear friends helped me board by board. step by step.

now i am

out

truly

out.

out of that place of shame and death and decay and into what my dear friend called a sweet boon, and he should know.

i am in life. and living.

i am becoming and growing.

and i am loving

and seeing

and breathing in the air... basking in the sun... letting the rain fall on my face...

no. more. hiding.

the nail.

it will not be removed.

no one, not i nor my dearly loved friends and family,

will ever be limited by it again.

it is beautiful and freeing.

i am beautiful. i am free. with a new kind of freedom i have only dreamt of.

3 comments:

  1. "But in the end, homosexuality saved my relationship with God. It radically changed my faith. It served as a tool that made me understand God better. I am free. Now I can live- for Him- and how that looks is different than I ever imagined." This quote was written by my dear friend who passed away recently. She states it perfectly for me and I'm thinking you'll identify with this as well. Much love my dear friend :-)

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  2. Charity, I am moved to read your words. The past sounds terribly hurtful, but I am glad to know that you have chosen not to stay in that place. I am glad to know that you are coming alive in being yourself and I pray that self is a life that is being defined more and more by Jesus Christ. You have been God's representative to me...now go be God's representative to those He places before you. I love you dear friend. Remain strong in Christ Jesus and remain strong in the strength you have developed over this time.

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  3. Thank you both. Thanks for the quote from your friend, Wil. And Kellie, thank you for that challenge and your prayer. It is my prayer, too. I love you both.

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