too little too late

i fear that actions are too little... too late.

uganda. hatred. incarnate. evil.

legislature. politics. majority rule. unjust.

recently, "the church" released and signed the manhattan declaration. opposing gay marriage and defiantly stating they will not recognize gay couples as "married."

now this week, a condemnation of the ugandan kill bill. some of the same signatures stating that gay and lesbian brothers and sisters are worthy of respect and love...

well, thank you...

prove it.

where were you when matthew shephard was killed? why were you more concerned that your ability to preach against homosexuality would be squashed instead of being concerned that gay and lesbian people are being singled out and attacked, beaten, killed. why? how contradictory and uninclusive is your theology? how absent is your love?

where were you when prop 8 was passed and families faced the threat of being torn apart? oh yeah, you were holding picket signs and condemning "us." you are "them."

i fear. i fear. i fear.

i'm angry. and hurt.

why are leaders only just now acting, just now making a statement... when the threat becomes immediate and the gay people are on the other side of the world. when will you love your gay neighbors who are living right beside you? are they not also worthy of respect and love?

or are you paying lipservice? just trying to prevent another holocaust? you can stomach them as long as they stay away from you and your pristine chapels.

and i look from inside the church... what about those outside the church? what do they see?

we
have
to
do
more.

now. not later.
now.

perfect love.
casts out fear.
love. love. love.

name

today a good friend of mine said something that stopped me in my tracks... it had the power to change me; to break me and put me back together again in a new way. today, he said:
"God wants to name you. He already has named you. Maybe we need to step back and listen."

there is a heaviness inside today as i am battling against attractions that would only lead to heartache, against the feeling i will always be alone, against the belief that i am unloved and unlovable. a few hours after hearing my friend's words, i found myself grocery shopping and becoming more and more uncomfortable with every step i took. i felt hot tears sting my eyes as i saw an old woman without any teeth and was overcome with the realization that she is so loved. i could feel life and love welling up within me as a kid stood behind me in the check out line and made small conversation with me. he is so loved.

i drove home without really noticing what was on the radio, put the groceries away and came face to face with the realization that i feel empty inside. another dear friend posed a question today as she asked "what are you asking alcohol to do for you?" last night, i prayed, talked to a couple of friends, and once alone, asked a cigarette to make me feel better about myself; to help me relax and think more clearly; to help me escape from the pain and the loneliness. all it gave me was a bad aftertaste in my mouth and a sore throat that's still lingering. it didn't make me feel loved. it didn't make me feel more ok with myself. it made me ashamed of the stench in my hair, the potential yellowing of my teeth, and the health issues i may be causing.

as i put away the soy milk and the bags of pasta, i started pondering on this thought of being named by God. i wondered what God would call me, how my name would sound in her/his voice. i immediately thought, God did not name me "lesbian," just as God did not name you "straight" or "heterosexual." i thought about the idea of gay identity and began to question if the reason people identify themselves by their sexuality is because the Church has already done it for them, and the lgbt individuals have just embraced it. what straight couple or individual has been identified by the church as "heterosexual" because of their love for someone of the opposite sex? who has been labeled because of their love?

last night, i met with a friend who is holding me accountable and sat across from her at a picnic table. i confessed my sins and temptations to her and told her how ashamed and guilty i feel. i told her i wonder if i am a fraud. i told her i wonder if i am unlovable. i was terrified by the intensity in her eyes as she met me with a love that could and did crush the walls around me. she extended grace and true friendship to me as she held me accountable. i knew at least in my head, that in her eyes... i am so loved.

i'm nervous i will be found out. some people do not and have not kept the secrets i have confided in them. nevertheless, come what may, i am ready to move forward. i must be. tonight, i felt a new energy, a new source, a new spring of love and life within me.

i silently prayed and then listened as i finished putting away the coffee creamer, and i asked to know my name. a well of emotion came to my throat as i realized i have always known my name... my name is love... and for those of you who know me, you know how literal this is... i also felt the heart of God say to me that furthermore, my name is loved. and i am her/his beloved.

God says to me, "c... be loved."

God says the same to you. God says the same to gay men with aids. God says the same to angry church people who yell at abortion clinics. God says the same to the girl who is walking in to the clinic. God says the same to the pastor with the pornography addiction. God says the same to the homeless lesbian teen who got kicked out of her home. God says the same to her family who cannot show love to their own daughter. God says be loved and that we are all so loved.

how different would we live if we lived out our names? what has God named you?
forgiven? remembered? seen? understood? reborn? loved? ..._________...?

what if we treated each other as God has named us? what if we treated each other as loved? remembered? forgiven? seen? understood? or reborn? or __________?

my name is love. i am loved. i am to love. and i am finding joy which i have not felt in ages.

a few months ago, i asked "dear God, do you love me?" while looking at a starry sky. yes. s/he loves me. more than i'll ever understand... when i realize it and when i think that love has failed.

my name is love.

introductions...

i am really frustrated right now, and cannot concentrate on the reading i need to do. i am sick of people talking about the issue, the problem, and the argument. my identity is in Christ, and part of my identity is that i am a Christian (big part), and a lesbian woman (small part). in that order. sure, it will need to be sorted out more, and i will work through what that means to me in future posts... but for now, i need to get something straight, even though i am sure i am preaching to the choir... so share this blog if you will, or at least the ideas in it if it helps someone move beyond "issues" to people...

let me introduce you to lesbianism, homosexuality, gayness...

the "label" you have seen, the "issue" you have argued over, the "problem" and "enemy" of society.

she is a person.

she is a woman, a student, a friend, a sister and daughter.

she is very much like you.

she loves and strives to love more selflessly. she dreams of loving someone else completely, to give herself to her and to work with her to make the world a place where God's kingdom is revealed more and more each day.

she believes: that Christ heals, Christ calls, Christ is. love.

she walks on two feet.

she eats and drinks and breathes in air.

she needs to exercise more.

she prays.

she has a corny sense of humor and she seeks knowledge and wisdom.

she cries. she gets angry. she feels misunderstood.

she hurts. but she doesn't use her hurt to hurt others.

she bleeds. blood. red. like yours.

she hides. for fear of retaliation, nonacceptance and bigotry.

she fears. loneliness. loss. injustice.

she works. she writes. she listens. and weighs the costs, the arguments, and the words.

she loves. she loves. she loves.

she's me. i'm her. and i'm more. much more.

love

love.

complicated. beautiful. wonderful. tragic.

love.

simply. irrevocably. desperately. painfully.

love.

clinging. ringing. singing. bringing.

love.

for you. for me. for us. for them.

love.

through. above. beneath. around.

love.

see. breathe. sieve. be.

love.

world changers

i'm going to change the world.

i'm starting to believe more and more that it is possible.

i am believing more in love. and love's power to heal.

i am finding peace in christ and hope in my identity in christ.

i am accepting and learning better how to love my self.

i am allowing feelings that scare me. allowing thoughts that unnerve me. allowing futures that require me

to move. move beyond. everything. i have known.

i can't change the world. i am going to change the world. with you. with Christ. for Christ and for souls.

it matters. matters to me. matters to them. to the broken, forgotten, and hated. it matters.

what have i been doing til now? what am i doing now? why?

waiting... in motion. preparation.

sabbath.

then go.

it's going to happen. we are going to change things. we have so far to go. it matters.

move.

beyond anything. that holds us back. beyond what we've known.

move. dance. together. love. love. love. now.

The Good Shepherd

i found new insight on a verse i've read but never really noticed. i know jesus was talking about the gentiles, but i can't help but think he had all of his "black sheep" in mind...


"I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. In the same way, the Father knows me and I know the Father. I put the sheep before myself, sacrificing myself if necessary. You need to know that I have other sheep in addition to those in this pen. I need to gather and bring them, too. They'll also recognize my voice. Then it will be one flock, one Shepherd."

John 10 – The Message

a random update

so... this is random and short. i am busy with finishing up some course work and don't have much time to write. i am doing a project on sexuality and spiritual struggles. the books i am reading have been interesting, engaging, thoughtful, extremely provocative, and have given me new ideas to reflect on that i may decide to display on here so that i can converse with others (essentially: you) about these theories and view points. in all of this though, i have noticed something... there are resources and books available, but nearly everything i have found (actually everything i found, but i am sure i should leave room) has been written by men - gay men. where are the lesbians who have a voice to contribute to the topics of spirituality and morality? hmmm... i really need to write this book, and it's in progress. hopefully, i will get to resume as soon as i'm done with summer classes... so i better get back to work. peace, love, and hope.

- C

loss and love

i know i have been silent of late. sometimes silence is what speaks the most clearly. in silence we hear pain, preoccupation, sadness, and reflection. we can hear exuberance, enjoying life, breathing in beauty, and appreciation. i am afraid my absence and silence has been one like the former. i have felt pain and sadness in depths i did not know were possible to reach. i have been preoccupied with mourning and reflecting-pondering my life and its meaning. my heart has yet to heal from pain of loving someone who does not feel the same toward me. it has been up and down and i am afraid our friendship has suffered because of my honesty and forthrightness. but that pain was nothing to the dagger which pierced my heart at 3:00 on a friday afternoon in june. i lost her. my grandmother. someone who believed in me more than anyone else. someone who loved me. someone who was proud of me. someone who did not know the secret i have been hiding - a piece of who i am, a big piece. yet i know that it was best to keep it from her.

this is one of the most difficult losses i have faced. while processing and trying to understand the suddenness, the stinging absence of goodbyes, the plans to visit the next week, and the depth and intensity of the pain, i was able to learn more about the why of mourning. i lost a little bit of love coming my way. i lost one hug, one singing call on my birthday, one "i love you", one fan of me and everything i do... as the losses pile up, there is a bankruptcy of belief which is building inside of me - belief in myself, belief in the goodness, belief in the beauty...

but also in the loss, there is a new hug, a reconnection, a new "i love you", an extra phone call, a card in the mail, one supporter of me and everything i am feeling and experiencing... as the friends show up and continue to check in even weeks later, the deficit is shrinking inside of me - and i believe in love, in friendship, in goodness and beauty...

i never have been one to actually be good at living each day as if it were my last. a new thought came to me today. what if i lived everyday as if it were your last? my friend's last? my family's last? that girl who is hurting: her last? what if we all lived that way?

sometimes when i am out in public i get paranoid and wonder if i am naked in front of everyone - if they know i am a lesbian. if they can see who i am and who i love. are they looking at me in a malicious way? last week, i was at the grocery store and a woman who was probably in her late 50s passed me by and smiled. not just any smile. i felt like she loved me. she doesn't know me, and i don't know her. but, she loved me anyway.

this might not seem like it is on the topic of reconciliation and hope for the lesbian and gay community and the church. but i think it is exactly what we need to be talking about. it's this kind of love and appreciation for life that will heal us. it's realizing that i want to love that way. i want other people to see my smile and feel loved. i want to live my life as if it is your last day. i want to add beauty and goodness and hope and peace to the places where there has been a deficit of faith and an abundance of pain. i want to inspire and teach others to do the same. i want to change the world. my world. your world. the world we create together. the real kingdom of god that jesus talked about and lived- made up of the most marginalized and hated people in society.

love. love. love. gather. create. hope. believe. have mercy. give grace. establish peace. act justly. draw in. inspire. love. love. love.

The Work of Healing Relationships

You know, lots of people talk about healing in community and relationships. How we heal each other - but there is a lack of true community. a lack of people willing to really do the work... what we are pursuing - healing, connectedness, reconciliation, knowing, etc... takes work. it hurts. it's hard and costly. there is a reason that we are called to a self-sacrificial love - because that is precisely the type of love it takes to bring true healing, connectedness, reconciliation, knowing, etc. in thinking about healing and reconciliation, it's even harder...


relationships with broken people take work - and it might be a very long time or never that something is given in return when you are giving to someone who is intensely broken. how selfish have we become? how rotten are our cores? how broken are we? how self-righteous are our dirty despicable minds?


i no longer naively believe in goodness. i am doubting beauty. i doubt gentleness and faithfulness can be lived out. i doubt that anyone knows Jesus and lives like him, loves like him. i doubt anyone really tries. i doubt anyone wants to. i'm not sure i want to call myself a christian or a christ follower anymore. i don't know what to think. all i feel is pain and loneliness. i see comfort through words and rejection through actions. white washed tombs. some of it is a darkened perception. some of it is a reality that is dark - the shadow side of people who claim to live deliberately. the shadow side of people who claim to know Christ. the shadow side of people like me.


if the broken are banished and stigmatized from the church and sent to therapy, then what good is it? if therapists stigmatize and refuse to see or treat and categorize and demonize, what good is it? if therapy is done well and what happens in the room is good, but there is no supportive community in which to live out and test out the corrective relating - then what good is it? what is the point of doing the work to heal, if no one will help bring healing through process? what is the point of therapy if the effects don't go outside of the sessions and the inner life and spill over into relationships (both with God and with others)?

since when is it ok to just have relationships that are easy? since when is it ok for the church to outcast people who are hurting? since when is it ok for helping professionals to hate and/or reject people who exhibit certain symptoms or people who are different? esp when those people are the people who are hurting and need help the most - and i don't care if they reject it - that doesn't change our side of the bargain...


talking with one friend, she brought up the point that we don't blame children who are abused and are acting out as a result of it. however, when that child grows up and continues to act out as an adult - we blame them and say they need to straighten up. she's right. how many broken people do we banish from our presence when what's really going on is that they have never healed from abuse or trauma in their pasts? i would hate to know the real numbers, because even one sickens me.

i believe in healing through relationships - otherwise i wouldn't be studying counseling - and i wouldn't believe in christ either. afterall, it is relationship with christ that brings healing - through himself and his body, the church... at least, that's the way it's supposed to happen...


i think that many people could be radically transformed through true friendship, real listening, and unwavering commitment and unconditional love (even when the acting out gets ugly or even mean); if we really listen and do life together - we can soon begin to distinguish those who want to do us harm from those who have endured much harm and are relationally broken. sometimes, we may get lashed out at, but we need to learn to listen better to know if that lashing out is a reaction to pain or a truly malicious gesture. yes, we have to have some sort of protection, but that doesn't mean taking the easy road of no conflict or no grey areas...

i'm truly not sure what to think - is community even possible? is love real or imagined? are we, as existential theorists posit, ultimately alone? i'm not sure... but i do know that the more i see the shadow side of people, the less i believe in the light, and the more i feel pulled toward the shadows...


will somebody please prove me wrong? will somebody please change? will somebody please show me that Christ does exist and that the love of God can change the way we live? will somebody please demonstrate real connection?


will somebody, please, for the love of God, show me that love is real?

freedoms and relationships

there are a couple of thoughts that i have been ruminating over the past couple of days, so i thought i would share them...

the first thought came to me last night as i read a news story and the comments which readers had posted beneath it. the story was tragic and one we have all read before... a youth minister who has been arrested and charged with sexually abusing members of the youth group... a male youth minister... abusing young boys. the difference: this minister is a kid who has been in my house. this minister is a friend of a family member. it is tragic.

also tragic are the comments. that god does not exist. that this guy proves that god doesn't exist. that he is just "a flaming homosexual using the church to meet his unnatural lustful desires"...

comments like these and hate speech make me think we should revoke the freedom of speech. and invoke a new freedom. freedom of intelligent speech. there are groups on facebook where people say that gay people are fags, morons, and ruining the moral fabric of the nation. there are politicians and civic leaders who fire teachers for talking to their classes about hate crimes against gays and lesbians. there are churches and pastors who say that God hates gay people and that all gays have an agenda to end the family as we know it.

these people should be made to shut up. and for once... listen.

listen.

we'll never reconnect, unless we learn to really listen. to see each other and hear each other. why can we not exercise the freedom of intelligent speech?

the second thought came to me this morning as i was formulating some thoughts on why i want to do therapy by a certain model called interpersonal process. i always say that i believe in the power of the relationship... but why?

i came to a conclusion this morning that i think is truth. so i share it with you in hopes for dialogue...

relationships are never ineffectual. every relationship has an effect on a person. however small. and to further that thought, every relationship either brings harm or healing. even in the smallest of doses.

how can i make sure that i bring healing to others? how does this thought affect how the church deals with the lgbt community? how does it change the way we see each other and treat each other?

til next time, i leave you with those thoughts...

swear word

i have to admit: i feel a little guilty about how the last couple of posts have been dark and depressing... but then i think, well it's where i'm at... and i really see that many of the things i am sorting through are things that other lesbians and gay men struggle through. things that haunt us. things that disillusion us. things that tell us lies - that we are unloved and unlovable.

too often, we find ourselves isolated and alone, and unwelcome in certain circles - namely: the Church… and there is one word that sums up the frustration, hurt and disappointment. a word that too many people see as positive. a word that divides and a word that creates distance and difference of power.

tolerance.

this is a swear word.

if you really love people who are gay, don’t use it. don’t speak it. don’t think it. and definitely don’t encourage it.

think about how that word is used… usually, when we say it, we mean that we will put up with, bear, or endure something that kind of irks us, annoys us, or, pardon the expression, just absolutely pisses us off.

now, here is where some people are going to disagree and start arguing with me, but please read further…

i understand that many people who believe that “homosexual behavior” is wrong think tolerance is a great thing… however, since when is it ok to tell someone that you are tolerant of them as a person? and since when is it ok to group together people who were made in the image of God and label them all as an issue… and furthermore, an issue we are “tolerant” of…?

no, my friends, we cannot be tolerant of people. tolerance is not enough… reconciliation – that’s the aim we should be rising to… now that may mean being “tolerant” of behaviors that we disagree with… but people need to be accepted, affirmed, and validated.

we need a new vocabulary.

a vocabulary of love. a vocabulary of commitment. a vocabulary of true community.

i’m still sorting through what this might look like… and i hope that others will join me in thinking this through…

for me, and probably many other gay people, tolerance is like being lukewarm… people who say they are tolerant are people who don’t want to fully embrace us because they see us as lepers or depraved sinners, but they are too concerned about their image to admit that…

so they choose “tolerance” … and it makes us want to vomit.

reconciliation.

please.

it is possible…

today is a good day

the past few days have been difficult. actually the last few weeks have been difficult. i have felt worthless and unloved. depression has told me lies and i believed them. some things i am not sure whether or not they are lies, and i still struggle for answers. i stopped believing God cares. i stopped believing people care. no matter what friends have said to tell me otherwise. i have felt used, though i know it isn't true. i have wanted to call someone and tell her i am not ok, but froze when i highlighted her name in my address book on my phone... wouldn't it be bothersome to call someone right now? don't all my friends have enough to worry about as it is? am i attention or approval seeking? just how much trouble am i in? where is the line between entertaining self-destructive thoughts and being self destructive? where does danger begin? when is it ok to call?

i know i am not out of the woods yet, but today has been a good day. the dandelions and purple clover that dot my yard tell me winter is over and new life is budding. the breeze and warm air are refreshing and invigorating. life seems more hopeful and like it might just be worth living.

during a time of silence, recently, i got into a position that represents how i am before God. (I got the idea from a book on silence and solitude by ruth haley barton) . i found myself with my knees drawn to my chest, head down, and hands over my head... it reminded me of a tornado drill in elementary or middle school. it was as if i were expecting to be crushed. call me crazy, but when i was in this position, i could hear in my heart God saying, "c, you're my daughter and i love you" so i lowered my hands, but left my head hanging down in shame. i still feel stuck in my relationship with God, but i do have hope it is getting better.

i feel more confident about reaching out to the friend i wanted to talk to.

i feel important and like my life has meaning.

though i know rain and storms are on their way,

today is a good day.

and i hope it lasts...

possiblility

the air outside feels inviting... like the coming night in late spring. the sky is clear. the stars visible. and the moon, though not full, is shining so brightly that i feel like i am being pulled like the tide and i can almost touch the heavens when i stand on my toes...

i throw my head back and take it all in, take a deep breath of the fresh air. i light up the remaining stub of my cigar i have been working on since early October... just taking a few drags here and there. it's really dry now, and doesn't taste as sweet, but i welcome the bitterness and the warm, heavy smoke in and out my mouth and whispering through my hair. savoring the moment.

i look around at all of the houses i can see in my neighborhood... some with porch lights burning, some with yellow light coming through the blinds, some with a familiar blue ambiance radiating through the windows... i wonder what is so intriguing on their televisions... what could be more entertaining, engrossing, invigorating, or inspiring... than a night like tonight? a night when you can look up and really feel connected with the sky and what lies beyond it. with Who lies beyond it. and in it. and beneath it. surrounding...

i wonder if God loves me. i look up at the bright moon, feeling like i could touch it, though i know it is so far away i never will... i believe God is here with me. Jesus is with me. yeah, I believe I am "saved" and being made more and more whole. that the Spirit is working in me... but I am having a hard time lately, really and truly believing that God loves me. believing that i can touch God Godself.

i wonder if i am unclean, unworthy
- yes, yes -
but does it matter?
no... but i struggle to accept it...

i am fearfully and wonderfully made. we all are.

wonderfully...

fearfully...

i fear that i will not feel God's love again. no more gentle whispers. no more reassurance. just die and wake to find that the love had been there - though i did not sense it... would love be any less then? any less valuable? any less powerful? i think not. i think i would still give my life for it.

i look for reason and find it through conversation. through love. with a friend who is willing to touch lepers. a friend who means love. this angst i feel... this existential crisis of feeling alone and unloved... it is but a fraction of what other lesbians and gay men experience. those who feel completely abandoned, forgotten, and hated by both people and God. those who have no hope. those who reside in depressions so deep i cannot fathom, and those who contemplate to end their lives... if it's the only reason i can find, i'm ok with that. i'm ok with knowing that i have felt a touch of the pain that my sisters and brothers feel day in day out and experience as a heavy cloud which shrouds every aspect of their lives. i have no doubt that God loves them. perhaps one day, light will break through, and i can truly rejoice with them when it does. perhaps i can help bring that light. God knows i want to...

God knows... and yet, God loves.

i have not solved this. do not feel full resolve... still feel dissonance, discontinuity, and a sense of struggle and wonder...

but i connected with something tonight - as i took the last drag off of that black and mild, stamped out the ash, and took in some more fresh air... i connected with the possibility that i am loved. i am desired. and that that love will stop at nothing to hold me... it is possible...

so i threw back my head once more, gazed at the sky and said, "dear God... do you love me?" then sighed and came inside...

mean love

sometimes i wonder if being gay or lesbian is like the modern version of having leprosy. i know the analogy breaks down at many levels, and doesn’t completely work for many reasons, but there are parts of it that ring true…

sometimes, i see people look at me and i wonder if they are thinking i have a disease. some people, once they know, don’t hug me as closely… others just stop talking to me… I wonder if it would be worse if i were “out and proud”

… it’s as if there is an invisible motion and silent scream going out from somewhere within, shouting “unclean!” and pushing others away. no one wants to stick around, and most people would rather send the lepers away to be treated…

but then there are the compassionate ones, the ones who love me anyway. the ones who make me think that it might be possible that God loves me, and that reconciliation is possible. they are not afraid to get close, to come in contact, to be with me, and sit with me in my pain and loneliness.

they touch lepers.

and they bring healing to the places where the skin is falling off from all of the relational wounds and spiritual beatings – some from those who mean well, some from those who hate.

but those who touch lepers… they mean love.

intro

here... is a place for my ramblings, my questions, my doubts, and insecurities. my hopes, my dreams, my little joys.
my vision: for reconciliation and hope between the global church and the gay community.