today is a good day

the past few days have been difficult. actually the last few weeks have been difficult. i have felt worthless and unloved. depression has told me lies and i believed them. some things i am not sure whether or not they are lies, and i still struggle for answers. i stopped believing God cares. i stopped believing people care. no matter what friends have said to tell me otherwise. i have felt used, though i know it isn't true. i have wanted to call someone and tell her i am not ok, but froze when i highlighted her name in my address book on my phone... wouldn't it be bothersome to call someone right now? don't all my friends have enough to worry about as it is? am i attention or approval seeking? just how much trouble am i in? where is the line between entertaining self-destructive thoughts and being self destructive? where does danger begin? when is it ok to call?

i know i am not out of the woods yet, but today has been a good day. the dandelions and purple clover that dot my yard tell me winter is over and new life is budding. the breeze and warm air are refreshing and invigorating. life seems more hopeful and like it might just be worth living.

during a time of silence, recently, i got into a position that represents how i am before God. (I got the idea from a book on silence and solitude by ruth haley barton) . i found myself with my knees drawn to my chest, head down, and hands over my head... it reminded me of a tornado drill in elementary or middle school. it was as if i were expecting to be crushed. call me crazy, but when i was in this position, i could hear in my heart God saying, "c, you're my daughter and i love you" so i lowered my hands, but left my head hanging down in shame. i still feel stuck in my relationship with God, but i do have hope it is getting better.

i feel more confident about reaching out to the friend i wanted to talk to.

i feel important and like my life has meaning.

though i know rain and storms are on their way,

today is a good day.

and i hope it lasts...