possiblility

the air outside feels inviting... like the coming night in late spring. the sky is clear. the stars visible. and the moon, though not full, is shining so brightly that i feel like i am being pulled like the tide and i can almost touch the heavens when i stand on my toes...

i throw my head back and take it all in, take a deep breath of the fresh air. i light up the remaining stub of my cigar i have been working on since early October... just taking a few drags here and there. it's really dry now, and doesn't taste as sweet, but i welcome the bitterness and the warm, heavy smoke in and out my mouth and whispering through my hair. savoring the moment.

i look around at all of the houses i can see in my neighborhood... some with porch lights burning, some with yellow light coming through the blinds, some with a familiar blue ambiance radiating through the windows... i wonder what is so intriguing on their televisions... what could be more entertaining, engrossing, invigorating, or inspiring... than a night like tonight? a night when you can look up and really feel connected with the sky and what lies beyond it. with Who lies beyond it. and in it. and beneath it. surrounding...

i wonder if God loves me. i look up at the bright moon, feeling like i could touch it, though i know it is so far away i never will... i believe God is here with me. Jesus is with me. yeah, I believe I am "saved" and being made more and more whole. that the Spirit is working in me... but I am having a hard time lately, really and truly believing that God loves me. believing that i can touch God Godself.

i wonder if i am unclean, unworthy
- yes, yes -
but does it matter?
no... but i struggle to accept it...

i am fearfully and wonderfully made. we all are.

wonderfully...

fearfully...

i fear that i will not feel God's love again. no more gentle whispers. no more reassurance. just die and wake to find that the love had been there - though i did not sense it... would love be any less then? any less valuable? any less powerful? i think not. i think i would still give my life for it.

i look for reason and find it through conversation. through love. with a friend who is willing to touch lepers. a friend who means love. this angst i feel... this existential crisis of feeling alone and unloved... it is but a fraction of what other lesbians and gay men experience. those who feel completely abandoned, forgotten, and hated by both people and God. those who have no hope. those who reside in depressions so deep i cannot fathom, and those who contemplate to end their lives... if it's the only reason i can find, i'm ok with that. i'm ok with knowing that i have felt a touch of the pain that my sisters and brothers feel day in day out and experience as a heavy cloud which shrouds every aspect of their lives. i have no doubt that God loves them. perhaps one day, light will break through, and i can truly rejoice with them when it does. perhaps i can help bring that light. God knows i want to...

God knows... and yet, God loves.

i have not solved this. do not feel full resolve... still feel dissonance, discontinuity, and a sense of struggle and wonder...

but i connected with something tonight - as i took the last drag off of that black and mild, stamped out the ash, and took in some more fresh air... i connected with the possibility that i am loved. i am desired. and that that love will stop at nothing to hold me... it is possible...

so i threw back my head once more, gazed at the sky and said, "dear God... do you love me?" then sighed and came inside...