date night

(i wrote this on may 2^nd)

i’ve known i was gay since i was 5 years old.

i started suppressing it just after. the pushing down of a big part of my soul only grew as the years went on. being 13 and in a locker room full of girls was torture. i didn’t know which way to look. i hid behind modesty and faced the lockers and stared at the cold grey metal.

being 16 and having intense deep feelings for friends was confusing.

being 23 and dating a guy for the last time felt odd and like something was missing.

i used to throw up on my dates with guys.

poor guys... they had to pull over their cars or suvs on more than one occasion. i would throw up before dates, during dates, and after dates.

as if i was vomiting out all the torture inside just to make it more visible and to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

reminding me of how

this

wasn’t

going

to work.

i only kissed one guy… my boyfriend when i was 14. i had to go to the bathroom to dry heave after.

he was wonderful,

but something wasn’t right.

and still, dates were never what other girls talked them up to be.

i never had the courage to ask a girl on a date. i didn’t even readily admit i was gay ‘til i was in my mid-twenties and spent a couple of years before i finally reached a point of accepting myself. i only just graduated from a school where being gay isn’t allowed. and my last day of working there has come and gone.

so here i am, twenty-nine years old, and i just had my first date with someone i really wanted to date – another woman.

i’ve been referring to it as “my first official girl date.”

we planned on it just being a fun date. we have been flirting with each other. we are friends, but there is still a lot to know about one another – enough mystery you could say, to add to the fun of getting to know each other.

on wednesday, i cleaned house, and i went to the store and bought a bouquet of flowers for her. i also bought the ingredients and made chocolate covered strawberries, with good chocolate. i took a shower after all my hard work and put on a black button down with a purple tie. my hair and make-up looked great.

it was storming outside, and something felt odd. i went downstairs and realized the storm was getting bad. the hail was very strange. i took cover in a small nook/hallway. a fury of storm went through, then an eerie silence. for the next 3-5 minutes, i screamed “jesus christ, son of god. oh my god. jesus. please. help. oh jesus…” as a tornado ripped through my neighborhood, roaring in my ears and shaking my house. i have never been so frightened. i can’t describe what i saw, heard, and felt.

i called my mom and could barely find the words. i stuttered a lot. my house only had minor damage. but there was so much destruction around me.

i texted a few friends, including my date. she called me. pretty much the same conversation as with my mom. i am not sure. i can’t remember.

she texted me. she kept me talking. she told me she was coming.

she came.

in the lull between more storms that became tornadoes in our area. she drove through a fallen tree, brought her laptop, and we watched a movie by candle light. she held me. she let me be weak. she took care of me. she let me hold her, too.

it was nothing like what i had planned. it was the best date i have ever had.

it made me realize that as i weather more storms in life, i do want to have another woman with me, to love and be loved by, to have and hold and be had and held by. and i will.

it made me realize that i deserve to be loved and cherished and be in a healthy relationship when the time for relationship is right. it made me realize that i have so much love and care in my heart, and i so long to give it.

and i will.

my first real date. in the middle of chaos and fear.

it made me realize that more and more, what i believe is true…

love does win.

and that night and the next as she held me again, it put fear in its place.