yours

this post is one of a few posts that i think i always knew i would write. some have made appearances and some are to come later when the time is ripe. it is an open letter. open because i am allowing other people to see. letter because it is addressed to one, well One, in particular. i am writing this intro before i begin this letter, and truly i only know of a couple points i am going to address. so a fair warning: this may be really raw, may not make sense, may not be for the faint of heart. however - it may also be encouraging, enlightening, inspiring. i do know it will be messy, and it will be beautiful. and it is shared.

dear Creator,

it's funny that i have been writing in this blog for over a year now, and i have yet to address an entire entry to you. the truth is, that i have not known what to say....

sometimes, i want to yell at you with profanity and ask you what the fuck you are doing.

sometimes, i feel like assuming the fetal position and sobbing at your invisible feet.

sometimes, i want to push you away.

most times, i wish i could feel you holding me whether i am fighting the embrace or falling into it.

i've been asking you some tough questions, and i have been telling you how i would like for life, my life, to be. sometimes, it feels like my prayers are like the incense i am burning...
they go up like vapors. and all that remains is ash and temporal fragrance.

why am i a lesbian? why do i love women so much? why do i want to spend my life working for restoration, healing, and equality for women? why do i want to have one woman in my life, a partner, who i give myself to fully and make her life more beautiful and support her? why do i want to join up with her in a marriage that inspires others to love and makes the world around us more beautiful and imprinted with your spirit?

God? why have i not found her yet? or have i? how am i to know? will i know? is this a good you have for my life? i believe it is, but sometimes i question your timing... but you know, i do know you love me. and i am going to make the decision to trust you with my questions. to believe in the middle of all my questions and doubts... i guess belief and faith are a lot like light. the dark of doubt is around, but cannot occupy the exact same space...

God? thank you for being so patient with me. you know, i really almost didn't like you for a while. and i went through such a darkness when i could not feel your love for me, when i really wondered if you were even there, and if you really cared for me at all...

but now i know you love me.

and you know what?

i love you too.

there is so much love in my heart for you. and i hope you can feel it in the connection of you in me, and see it in the tears that are stinging my eyes now, hear it in the tapping of the keys on the laptop, smell it in the incense.

i am falling in love with you all over again. all i want is to be with you. and all i want is to love like you and to be the woman you made me to be. to live up and live out the calling to be love. in all of my relationships and in all of my art and in all of my work.

jesus, you are my reason. my purpose. and i believe the words you said. and i know you are here with me now. and i know you never left me.

spirit, you make me dance. and i desire to dance with you always and to always have room for others to join in.

you, oh LORD, are my peace. my assurance. my truest love. mother. friend. father. creator.

i love who you have made me to be. may i ever walk with you and commune with you, through rain, through fire, through drought, and through beautiful perfect days.

YHWH, please know i love you. i'm sorry i don't say it enough or show it enough. but i am ever thankful and ever indebted to you. my love. my life.

i still have questions. i still feel pain, and i know that this life will have more bumps in the road. but come what may, i am forever yours.

love always,
C.