desert song

i realize that i have been writing a lot lately, but this is such a good outlet for me right now...

i went for a run tonight, and i am not a runner.

i have such a hard time pushing myself and breathing right and keeping good form, but sometimes, a good run is what i need to get some of the intensity out of my body.

my mind was still working overtime, but once it was time for my cool down, i started scrolling through my ipod and the word "hillsongs" caught my eye... i usually do not listen to worship music, even though i am a worship leader, but i decided to listen anyway - to the one song under the artist: desert song.

"this is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry"
"this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain"
"i will bring praise. no weapon formed against me shall remain."
"all of my life in every season you are still god i have a reason to sing i have a reason to worship."

i was so moved. and i felt like dancing. and i don't dance either...

i had a few thoughts today which all seemed to replay and connect while i walked a lap and listened to the song a couple of times through:

first, i am in a refining process... i am under fire and under hammer. being purged and forged.
i will be better and stronger for it.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
and those close to me are getting burned and struck too. and i wish i could erase my hurtful actions and words.
i am deeply and completely sorry and saddened that in some moments, i have acted opposite or spoken opposite to how i really feel.
i don't understand how i could have done this.
it isn't me.

but in this painful process, my relationships are also being tried by fire, and therefore refined.
and they will be stronger and better for it.
it hurts. it's difficult. thank you for sticking with me.
it will get better.
i will get better.
we will get better.

i think the same is happening in my relationship with god.
s/he is taking some heat from me too, but our relationship and my love for her/him is only growing and becoming stronger.

i also thought about the line from the song... "no weapon formed against me shall remain." i don't care for the war imagery we so often use in christian circles, and i saw this saying in a different light tonight...
from the view of nonviolent resistance. and how much more powerful is it to think that i who am standing for peace and for love shall not be overrun with force...
it was an encouraging thought i am still processing.

while i was listening to the song, i really did want to dance a little, right where i was... but i didn't. i thought about it, and realized that one day, i probably will
and on that day, i will dance twice. once for the original joy that set my feet in motion
and a second celebration for being so truly free that i have stopped caring what people think and i have begun to truly live.

and i think that day is coming soon... and so is my healing.
i am no longer waiting for it. i am chasing it.
i can't live like this. so i must begin to truly live.

i want to live.
i want to love better.
i want to be me and show my loved ones who they are to me:
so loved.