answer

i'm sitting here drinking coffee hardly able to believe what is going through my mind now...

i opened my window so i could listen to a beautiful morning storm - i like to hear the rain pelting and falling like blankets on the grass.

what i really really noticed though was the thunder

it sounds so completely different when i'm not completely confined to indoors. it sounds bigger, like it stretches across the entire sky; dancing between and over the mountains and through all the clouds.

i was thinking, maybe depression and angst (or whatever it is i am in) are like being stuck in a room where the windows are locked, and i cant hear clearly enough to know how big how vast how beautiful the sky is.

and there's one room i know of that is like this... the closet.

perhaps, as i was encouraged overnight by a dear like-minded friend, when i can be fully me with no secrets, then i will be able to find and cultivate the love i am so longing to give and build.

she pointed out, this dear one, how hard it would be for me to keep such a wonderful love a secret...

and it reminded me of lines i had written in a song, that
"real love cannot thrive inside of shame" and that "i'm gonna love. love is my name."
but before all of that,
"i have resolved love depends on me. and i cannot worry what people think of me."

perhaps my songs are prophecies to myself.

i sit here typing and drinking coffee after a night of disturbing dreams about being taken advantage of and hated for who i am and realize just what a difficult road it is that i journey. but the good news is i am not alone in that journey.

love continues to lift me. and now i'm going to try to figure out how to open a window and really see and hear what is out there... who is out there. and hold on to that hope.

Someone was listening. thank you God for most this amazing day. and for answering me.