oneness

there are all kinds of wonderful sounds coming through my window along with the warm, still summer air.

amazing how still and yet vibrant the night is.

i wonder.

wonder if this stillness and vitality in dance with one another is a reflection of my life as now and to come...

i really cannot express how much, how deeply, how truly desperately i long to love another. how deeply and profoundly i love and how much i want to give but absolutely cannot.

is it possible that i experience a stillness now, while love is growing or becoming?

is it possible that there are things i am unaware of and that i will be able to give my love fully to another one day?

sometimes i say outloud that i wonder if i will ever know romantic love. if i will ever be able to fully give what is inside of me.

sometimes i say i wonder if i am selfish

one dear friend pointed out that its selfless. especially the way i love.

i have such a hard time understanding, and i have so many why questions running through my head right now, and my heart hurts.

a cigar, some fresh air, some incense, some listening... and still the pain of another lonely night ebbs and flows.

i want to come home to someone.
i want her to come home to me.
i want to meet her at the door with flowers.
i want to kiss her good morning.

i want to have a family.
i want someone to hold my hand and someone to want me to hold hers.
i want to take care of her.
i want her to take care of me.

i'm turning 29 in two weeks, and i realized that no one has ever called me "baby". no one has ever kissed me - i mean really kissed me.

i feel pathetic.

and there are so many sounds coming in my window right now. so many creatures singing and calling out to one another. if i didn't think i'd wake the neighbors, i'd go to my window right now, and i'd lift up my own song. i'd call out...

are you out there?
do you know how much love there is in my heart?
do you know how good i want to be to you?

is there someone out there who loves me?
is there someone out there who wants me too?
can you call for me too?

darling, i'm waiting. i'm here.


maybe my calls and song are frivolous. perhaps foolish and naive.
perhaps not.

i'm seeing myself more and more as someone who is going to make a great partner. parts of my identity are becoming louder, and i am giving them room to breathe.

i can see myself as a beautiful woman, a fun girl, a sweet boy, a handy butch lesbian. i know that none of these on their own describe me, but together, i see a convergence that starts to paint a picture of me. it's just a beginning.

i see myself as already a devoted spouse, an amazing mother, a considerate lover, a hardworking professional. though i have no spouse, children, or even a career that i've settled on... perhaps seeing myself in this way is a sign of hope.

the symphony outside is so loud. when i stop typing, i can pick out the individual sounds... i'm so intrigued how so many different voices singing different songs and calling out different "words" can sound so much like one.

perhaps i can find some hope in this insight.

perhaps there is someone singing a song for me tonight.

my mind also goes to the "grander scheme" which is hard to say and is honestly so hard to think about right now because of the greatness of the pangs of longing for the experience of love to become commensurate with what i feel and long for... a relationship...

nevertheless, perhaps, though we are all lifting our different voices, we can find a oneness just as i hope to find a oneness in partnership, i hope for oneness in the community local and global. for peace. for love.

there is more in my head, more ideas and thoughts on God and reflecting her image. but i will save that for another day.

for now, i am listening to the song. and all of its parts. and the song is greater than the sum of them.

perhaps, my desire for oneness is reflected in this truth as well. oneday, i hope to love so greatly, and give myself so fully, that the two of us will be greater for it, as will the world around us and the people with whom we live.

a love that is inclusive and giving,
inspiring and gracious,
inviting and grateful.

persistent
peace-making
patient

forgiving
friendship
forever

passionate
compassionate

real

ours

theirs

always hoping
never envying

enduring

oneness

love.