rebecca

tonight, i sat with rebecca, my acoustic electric guitar, and just stared up at the stars while singing songs, lines, and emotions... no pen or paper... no pressure to produce... just the raw moment.

i sang about words.

i sang about how they have cost me everything.

i sang about how i am trying to regain something, with words...

when i looked up at the stars, the juxtaposition of vastness and closeness broke my heart. it felt like muscle ripped in two inside my chest, only to be lifted by the remnant and pulled up into the heavens, as rebecca resounded in harmony with my voice, creating resonance both in and out of body.

there's this saying i heard when i was in high school: "sometimes the people you love the most hurt you the most." even as an adolescent, it was pretty simple for me to understand why: we put a lot of power into the hands of the people we most want love from.

i have certainly experienced this pain and i am under no delusion that tells me i will escape that sort of hurt from here on... however, it is another problem i am trying to understand... how is it that sometimes the people we most love are the ones we hurt? the precious ones... the ones we would die for or live for... the ones who make the stars shine a little brighter. the last people we would ever wish to harm in any way or for any reason. this is where i am. guilty. and ever so regretful and repentant.

i heard my voice crack with pain. the strings were letting out cries up and down the frets.

what do you do when you fuck it up? what do you do when part of who you are hurts people you love? when the way you are brings more harm than beauty? when you just missed it?

it feels like there is a song brewing about longings, but all that's coming out is pain and regrets. while inside is a list of desires a mile long.

and those stars...

they are tugging at my heart, making new cardiac strings with every pull. and then more pulls.

what does redemption look like?
reconciliation?
relationship?

re...

is something lost then found and there then here and gone then back again...?

regretful...
repentant...

is it enough?

rebecca.
sings.
when i can no longer.
when there are no words because words have failed me. and i am angry with them. full of them, yet unable to say the right ones. only the wrong ones.

resound.

i'm sorry...
i love you.

i'm very sorry...
i love... you.

i'm so
incredibly sorry.

i
love
you.

more than words can say...

deep blue sky and crickets joining me in my melodies. birds fly out of a nearby tree and across the street, taking my breath away with the sacredness of the moment.

regain.

composure. come inside. write it down. with words... my paint. my heart. my bane. my hope.

rebecca. held me as i held her tonight. as best a guitar i can, i think.

and her song will help me sleep. then awake to another day.

renewal.

i hope. i pray. i work. i long. i commit.

i love.

but i don't understand.