need

i was driving home today. having a difficult moment. feeling the weight of so many people i love. feeling the pain some of them are causing me.
feeling the pull to have an answer for them.
feeling completely overwhelmed.
feeling the deep need within me that i rarely vocalize...

the need to be held.

i was stopped at a traffic light and looked in my rear-view mirror. i saw a gay couple. 2 young guys just sitting in their car, and for some reason i just knew. i'm sure i was obvious when i adjusted my mirror so i could just look at them. they were smiling. they looked relaxed and happy, just talking. i thought to myself that i shouldn't assume... maybe i just wanted to see it...

the light turned green and i became engrossed in my driving, and back to the inner turmoil. i thought about how i want to make life different and my dissatisfaction with my current life. the changes i want to make. and the ache within my soul to be held by someone.

a need for a tangible expression of love which i talked about with my therapist yesterday and he encouraged me in seeking and recognizing.

i was thinking and fighting within myself about my shame for my deep need and how normal he made it seem;

my desire to ask for it and my fear of asking for it.

thinking about how it is so opposite of the deep fear we identified yesterday:
the withdrawal of love.
my biggest fear.
one that grips me and crushes me in the process.

all of these thoughts and then i noticed a small maroon suv beside me, the one with the possible gay guys. as the car passed me, i noticed a sticker. a small rectangle with stripes of all the colors of the rainbow.

something inside me grew. and i felt a little stronger for it.
i knew i wasn't alone. even in this backwards town i live in.
and i felt proud to be me. even after a rough day and even in the middle of my pain and even though i have needs that may be hard to understand sometimes.

i am still me - worthy of love. worthy. me. of love.

i talk a lot about giving love, but i don't talk a lot about what i need. now, i am recognizing my needs and my desires for a relationship. and i need tangible expressions of love. i need affection. i need to be held.

today, God showed me she loved me with a sticker on a car. i inwardly smiled at the use of the rainbow.

i still felt the ache of needing someone to hold me. i still do even now, while i'm typing this out.

but at least i know i'm not alone. and that there is life. colorful life.