live creatively (in part: the first)

i am so incredibly tired.

i am tired of “fighting the good fight.” of forgiving. of being patient. of sacrifice.

i’m tired of pain. tired of a broken heart which has been shattered like window panes assaulted by stones. i’m tired of the anger, the frustration, the failure. of the pain in my chest, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat.

i am weary.

tonight, i thought of a verse… do not grow weary in doing good. i was thinking about how weary i am of being good. how weary i am of seeing other people reap the benefits of my goodness while i am alone. i feel selfish saying it, but it is true.

then i looked up the verse in galatians 6, and more hot tears filled my eyes.

from “the message”…

^1-3 live creatively, friends. if someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. you might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. share their burdens, and so complete christ's law. if you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

^4-5make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don't be impressed with yourself. don't compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

⁶be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.

^7-8don't be misled: no one makes a fool of god. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring god!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he'll have to show for his life is weeds! but the one who plants in response to god, letting god's spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

^9-10so let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

i needed this. tonight. on september 29, 2010 around 7 pm. i needed it.

i want to live more creatively. maybe that is the answer.

god, oh, god… i need you now.