clearing of the trees

i feel like my world is falling apart. but maybe it should. maybe i need to build a new world.

yesterday, i went for a walk in the woods. many of the trees there had been cut down. i wondered about hope for them. and struggled with the tension of preventing forest fires by clearing some of the land and my desire for preserving trees that were centuries old. i touched the stump of a great red oak. i felt like crying.

i found a beautiful clearing in a boulder field. natural wonders. i wanted to stay and i thought about walden and thoreau and other examples of living simply. i thought about how i could do something similar in that spot. i thought about how connected i want to be with creation, with the natural world.

i wondered if i should remove myself from people for a bit. i figured out how much i long for relationships. i figured out how much i do to fit in. i figured out how much i do because i think it will win approval and respect. i thought about how i am not that person.

today, everything is in a whirlpool, swirling in the depths, and i can't swim. i'm drowning.
everything is in a whirlwind. it is in a funnel cloud. and i cannot fly. i'm falling.

i feel like i am reaching for something to hold on to, but i don't know what to grab.
i don't even know where i've been or who i've been.

all i know is that i loved.
for better or worse. and i fear the worst.

all i know is i am shaken. because i, who have been so full of love, and named love
have in my efforts to love
failed.

i am at a loss. i don't know what to do or say. i cannot make this better. and i know it.
it is an uncomfortable knowing, to be so fallible.

i feel like a fool. who had everyone fooled.

i feel like retreating. but i know not when where or how.

i am stuck.

maybe everything needed to be cut down. even the things i thought were beautiful. was i deceived? did i deceive? myself? others? was i just misguided? was i even wrong at all? or was i right? does it matter now?

maybe i need to have a clearing. so i can change my life. so i can work for good.

have i been working for good? or have i been working for evil?

how am i to know? i thought i was working for good... i was so sure of it...
now, i am not.

all i talk about and say is love. because it is the one thing i know is true. but today, i am making the decision to believe in it because it doesn't feel so natural right now. but i have to believe in love. because Love is all i have and all i am. i am nothing without it. without Love Loveself.

i'm holding on, nails dug into the rock face.

trying to regain a place to stand. a place to speak and live love.

and i am breathing. wondering, silently, if i will fall.