i just want to sleep...
but instead it is 3am and i cannot stop crying. my heart is racing, and i feel like a panic attack is coming on.
why?
because they don't get it. the people who should.
i wonder why i am so hurt. all the talk of "sin" and "same-sex attraction" and such is nothing new. i have sat in class after class and listened to speaker after speaker say the same thing for the past several years...
i wondered if i have grown weaker somehow...
but, i think it is because i am actually stronger. i finally love myself now. and i cannot tolerate anyone, any thought, any action that threatens or degrades my identity.
how hard is it to get that my identity is in christ just as much as anyone else's but that my being a lesbian is also core to who i am?
i am starting to wonder if i can fight this fight much longer... i feel like i need to get out of here. it is only hurting me.
i need to say some things, knowing the people that need to hear them probably will never lay eyes on this blog...
i am not abnormal or pathological.
i do not have a disease.
my love is not sinful.
i am wonderfully and fearfully made.
i bear the image of God.
my love is beautiful.
i love being a follower of christ, and i love being a lesbian.
i love being a lesbian, and i love following christ.
i devote my life to god, no less
i will commit to one woman oneday- to love, honor, and cherish her for as long as we live
and it all does go together - and i am proof of it.
i am ready to separate myself from those who continue to wound me, from institutions which are set against me and to walk in freedom at last. not only am i ready, i see now that i have no choice.
i think you are right - this sounds like the pain of getting stronger and realizing more and more the injustice. you are a strong beautiful voice!
ReplyDeleteI think I get what you mean. I am so tired of listing to the GLBT community be bashed by so-called Christians. I'm not saying that you have to agree with them, but can't we at least be civil? Not only is their behavior discrimination, but it's not Christ-like. Christ hung out with prostitutes, sinners, tax collectors, and those disenfranchised by society. If we are seeking to be like Christ, shouldn't we offer to those with which we disagree grace and mercy with the same humility as Christ? We are no better than He who made us.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can think of why you are where you are is for the most basic reason of all: to teach others to love. You won't get to them all. But think of the many you have. Think of the many you have met who love already and have made awesome life-long friends in. Who we are comes out in crisis. You are in crisis. Every day you walk on that campus with your head held high and love pouring out of your soul so much that others can see your light? Those are the ones who you touch. Whether or not you know it. Whether or not they know who you are to the core. Light pours out of you. I noticed it the first time I saw you. This is why I gravitated to you. You are like a magnet. Use it to teach. If they don't want to learn, move on to those who do.
ReplyDelete