rebecca

tonight, i sat with rebecca, my acoustic electric guitar, and just stared up at the stars while singing songs, lines, and emotions... no pen or paper... no pressure to produce... just the raw moment.

i sang about words.

i sang about how they have cost me everything.

i sang about how i am trying to regain something, with words...

when i looked up at the stars, the juxtaposition of vastness and closeness broke my heart. it felt like muscle ripped in two inside my chest, only to be lifted by the remnant and pulled up into the heavens, as rebecca resounded in harmony with my voice, creating resonance both in and out of body.

there's this saying i heard when i was in high school: "sometimes the people you love the most hurt you the most." even as an adolescent, it was pretty simple for me to understand why: we put a lot of power into the hands of the people we most want love from.

i have certainly experienced this pain and i am under no delusion that tells me i will escape that sort of hurt from here on... however, it is another problem i am trying to understand... how is it that sometimes the people we most love are the ones we hurt? the precious ones... the ones we would die for or live for... the ones who make the stars shine a little brighter. the last people we would ever wish to harm in any way or for any reason. this is where i am. guilty. and ever so regretful and repentant.

i heard my voice crack with pain. the strings were letting out cries up and down the frets.

what do you do when you fuck it up? what do you do when part of who you are hurts people you love? when the way you are brings more harm than beauty? when you just missed it?

it feels like there is a song brewing about longings, but all that's coming out is pain and regrets. while inside is a list of desires a mile long.

and those stars...

they are tugging at my heart, making new cardiac strings with every pull. and then more pulls.

what does redemption look like?
reconciliation?
relationship?

re...

is something lost then found and there then here and gone then back again...?

regretful...
repentant...

is it enough?

rebecca.
sings.
when i can no longer.
when there are no words because words have failed me. and i am angry with them. full of them, yet unable to say the right ones. only the wrong ones.

resound.

i'm sorry...
i love you.

i'm very sorry...
i love... you.

i'm so
incredibly sorry.

i
love
you.

more than words can say...

deep blue sky and crickets joining me in my melodies. birds fly out of a nearby tree and across the street, taking my breath away with the sacredness of the moment.

regain.

composure. come inside. write it down. with words... my paint. my heart. my bane. my hope.

rebecca. held me as i held her tonight. as best a guitar i can, i think.

and her song will help me sleep. then awake to another day.

renewal.

i hope. i pray. i work. i long. i commit.

i love.

but i don't understand.

goodnight to you and me

nights are difficult.

i love the mornings.

cast off the worry for awhile

and rest in Love ever-present.

and love that has come.

and dream of love to come.

and of Love fully realized.

and may all your good dreams come true.

and may we make them true together.

need

i was driving home today. having a difficult moment. feeling the weight of so many people i love. feeling the pain some of them are causing me.
feeling the pull to have an answer for them.
feeling completely overwhelmed.
feeling the deep need within me that i rarely vocalize...

the need to be held.

i was stopped at a traffic light and looked in my rear-view mirror. i saw a gay couple. 2 young guys just sitting in their car, and for some reason i just knew. i'm sure i was obvious when i adjusted my mirror so i could just look at them. they were smiling. they looked relaxed and happy, just talking. i thought to myself that i shouldn't assume... maybe i just wanted to see it...

the light turned green and i became engrossed in my driving, and back to the inner turmoil. i thought about how i want to make life different and my dissatisfaction with my current life. the changes i want to make. and the ache within my soul to be held by someone.

a need for a tangible expression of love which i talked about with my therapist yesterday and he encouraged me in seeking and recognizing.

i was thinking and fighting within myself about my shame for my deep need and how normal he made it seem;

my desire to ask for it and my fear of asking for it.

thinking about how it is so opposite of the deep fear we identified yesterday:
the withdrawal of love.
my biggest fear.
one that grips me and crushes me in the process.

all of these thoughts and then i noticed a small maroon suv beside me, the one with the possible gay guys. as the car passed me, i noticed a sticker. a small rectangle with stripes of all the colors of the rainbow.

something inside me grew. and i felt a little stronger for it.
i knew i wasn't alone. even in this backwards town i live in.
and i felt proud to be me. even after a rough day and even in the middle of my pain and even though i have needs that may be hard to understand sometimes.

i am still me - worthy of love. worthy. me. of love.

i talk a lot about giving love, but i don't talk a lot about what i need. now, i am recognizing my needs and my desires for a relationship. and i need tangible expressions of love. i need affection. i need to be held.

today, God showed me she loved me with a sticker on a car. i inwardly smiled at the use of the rainbow.

i still felt the ache of needing someone to hold me. i still do even now, while i'm typing this out.

but at least i know i'm not alone. and that there is life. colorful life.

shaken

recent events have truly shaken me.

i have been feeling the brunt of being different and being silenced for it...

and i keep hearing and seeing more hatred, discrimination, and failure to love people like me...

lesbian friends telling me about their suffering. straight friends telling me about the discrimination they are seeing. outspoken allies taking heat for speaking out...

it is so hard not to feel alone during these times. few people understand. one friend even told me that not everyone has to agree with me... well this isn't about agreement. it's about love. and i don't feel loved when i hear that i am less than, and especially not when i am shown that.

my heart hurts. and this kind of ache echoes the deep sorrow within my soul. the loneliness. the pain of not being known. the weight of the prison cell and the coldness therein.

i have been crying nearly everyday for about a week now. crying because i am wounded. but crying for more than that as well.

yet,
i still hold firm that i am worthy of love. no matter what other people say or do. i am worthy of love, just the way i am. and i am no less - no matter if my feelings tell me otherwise... i know the truth. i am made of and named love.

even when i can't hear it. see it. or feel it.
even when i am hated. scorned. or ignored.

i am and always will be loved.

that is the truth. even though this pain suggests otherwise.
i choose to believe in love.

tension :: resolve

i don't know what to do...

so, i'm just going to love.

and hope it will be ok...

but even if it isn't...

i'm just going to love.

where the love is

a friend just posted a quote from a song as his facebook status... a quote that asks a serious question: "where is the love?"

i just spent the past 30 minutes to an hour looking at news stories and fact checking and found myself looking at darkness and evil in the face.

hatred.
concentrated.
in my face.

i was asking myself a similar question... "how?"

how can people think this way? how can people claim this is the way of jesus? how can people fail to love and instead choose to live in hatred and fear?

and then i started asking and wondering... "what can be done about it? what can i do about it? what can we do?"

i think the answer came when i read the quote my friend mentioned... "where is the love?"

do we not hold love within us?

are there not some of us who seem to be overflowing with love, admiration, respect, and a desire to give it all away?

why should we hide it?
why should we dilute it?
why should we let it die?

we shouldn't.
we shouldn't.
we shall not.

a lady came up to me last week and thanked me for leading worship. she noted my name and asked if i was a "love child" - and told me her daughter, who has the same name as me, is a very loving girl - always hugging, always saying "i love you" - full of love and affection, even now at the age of 27.

this lady, in describing her daughter, described me as well. i told her, yes.

then after she left, i thought about it more, and still thinking about it - i really like that part of me. though i think not everyone understands it, and i think it unnerves some people, and i know it has been a reason for misunderstanding and tension in some of my relationships - i still like that i am "a love child."

maybe i should be out and proud as someone who loves.

maybe all of us who love should be.

maybe we should be more vocal in condemning hatred and in promoting love.

maybe we need to start more conversations and talk about this on a deeper level - work together to find solutions of love.

i am so full of love. i do not understand it. mother teresa said to love until it hurts, so that hurt no longer remains, but only more love... sometimes i think i taste that. and for some odd reason, it seems almost natural to me.

in being misunderstood, i understand that i am different, and i myself do not understand the flow of sacrifice, affection and warmth that is seemingly unstoppable. but i do not wish to stop it. and i, too, am unnerved by it.

perhaps, it is likened to a fantasy novel. some of us are keepers of the love. however, if we hide it instead of spreading it, the love will die. but if we give it, it will grow. and more will become keepers of love, until love is realized. and known.

then Love, who holds us, will be known as well.

here. that's where the love is.

not where we look for it.
not where we beg for it.

but where we simply
are.

and where we plant it, paint it, sing it, dance with it, give it, preserve it.

and Love keeps us.

ebb and flow

here it is, that time of the night that bears the name "morning" yet is shrouded in darkness.
the sun is still hidden, and the air is quiet and still.

i can't sleep.

in the quiet, my thoughts seem to grow louder, and rest is no longer an option or possibility.
i think about relationships and wonder where they will go. wonder if love has lessened. wonder if i am loved less while loving more and more. wonder if we are drifting apart.

i am thinking about drift, and how distance hurts me. wondering why i feel this way while the counselor in me wonders if i have attachment problems, the accuser in me cuts me down for it, the lover in me hurts because of it, and the visionary in me hopes for closeness again.

all of me knows the truth of ebb and flow.

sometimes, i think i mistake the ebb for drift. just as the water in the ocean draws back and moves forward, so too with love and knowing one another.

perhaps i am comforting myself. perhaps it is true.

but i can't help but recognize that even when the waters of the sea draw back, there is still contact and connection with the shore. there is constant relationship. and the landscape is constantly changing with each new tide. and new ways of relating and connecting are formed as new places become more open and new revelations emerge from below the surface. ebb is necessary for erosion and so that the shore is not lost in the waters of the tide.

when i think i feel drift, i often look at messages, notes, and any tangible representation of the love i have known. i guess it should be no wonder to me, a writer, that the written word carries so much for me. to see the words "i love you" and more creative, variations on the theme bring warmth and calming to my soul. so i reminisce - not daring to ask for written conformation of love i know is there, but cannot feel.

perhaps i am finally recognizing a need i have - to be loved in this way, so that i can remember the truth when it doesn't feel true.
when love draws back in a swelling ebb

and i await and long for the flow of unrelenting unguarded love to come crashing in on me once again with abandon.


like an un-choreographed dance, it is free,

wild,

and beautiful.


i find that i am sensitive to connection. hyper-sensitive even. perhaps it is because of all the love inside of me. perhaps because of the love i long to receive as i give.

just as surely as dark and light ebb and flow into night and day
and the waters of the sea and the surface of the shore cling to one another

love and peace stay connected

and dance that dance only the free ones know

and we are held therein

now

last night i attended a celebration and send off for a dear friend. celebrating her engagement and a new chapter in her life as we said farewell for now as she is moving to europe.

i noticed a lot about myself while i was there - noticing that i enjoyed talking with the guys and felt comfortable with them. noticed that their compliments on my looks felt more like i would imagine it would for straight girls when their friends compliment them.

i noticed how much more comfortable i am with me and how much more at home i am. i noticed how confident i am even around people who have emotionally hurt me.

i noticed i like me. a lot.

recently, a friend told me that the thing that sticks out the most in our friendship is that i have taught her about love - what it means to love unconditionally and to love the outcast and people who are different. i'm still blown away to know i am living my purpose now. i don't have to wait.

i am starting to get nervous about closing one chapter of my life and starting another. there is so much potential and quite a few appealing options. i even have the ability to come out and be out. no more secrets. no more hiding.

as i am looking to the future though, i am trying to be present and not worry. the more me i am the better my relationships are and the better chance i have for love. seems simple, but it's been a challenge i am doing everything in my power to rise to and win - from alternative medicine to exercise to therapy to not letting my past hurts and the opinions of others get in my way. i am burning away my insecurities and being me now instead of later.

i read a quote by anne frank which i found in the form of a bumpersticker for my truck...

"how wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

now.

and i am and i am seeing it.

it's all coming down to love.

i was catching up with a lifelong friend yesterday, and during our conversation i said i wasn't sure what i thought about absolute truth and multiple truths... but that there are a few absolute truths i believe in for sure...

and the ultimate truth is love.

it was true. it will be true.

it is true now.

may we all live in the truth of love.