surely

"surely goodness and mercy shall follow me..." ps 23

this weekend i had the opportunity to retreat and focus on spiritual formation. in one of the sessions, psalm 23 was read and i was surprised by the impact i felt in the depths of my soul as i heard the words "i shall not want..." and "restores my soul"... then, "paths of righteousness"... followed by "my cup runs over" ending with a word that stuck with me in a constant tension that i still feel...

"surely"

i have a lot of thoughts tonight after a weekend of being silent and listening to what God is telling me. i also have realized that i don't share as much as i'd like, so i am opening the door a little more.

i realized that the word surely doesn't sit right with me. in my journal, i wrote out:
it doesn't feel true. surely? my cup feels empty, the pastures are barren, and the waters are turbulent. i don't like the looks of the paths. i don't think i trust You. not right now.

i am wanting (deeply longing for) love
i need restoration
i need direction
i feel empty
i'm unsure of my future

surely?

my heart aches to love someone intimately and deeply in partnership... i am falling in love with someone i shouldn't. i am trying to focus on loving the people around me the best i can. i feel so incredibly alone.

i realized this weekend, a very ugly truth... that my longing for romantic love is greater than it should be, and at times, has been and is a false deity i bow down to and revere far beyond what it deserves. it's hard not to delete this line.

i took clay in my hands and walked to where i could look over the water... surely... i repeated the word in quiet whispers which echoed in my soul and seemed to bound across the cold and still water, and off the rocky face of a great evergreen laden hill, only to return in the noise of the falls powered by a recent rain.

surely...

shivering, i went inside and the clay became warmer in my hands and began to take form. after much kneading, digging, smoothing... i held a small clay boat with two seats inside. i looked at it. i don't trust the waters. i have no oars or life preserver. the waters are rough, and i can't swim. i'm alone and afraid.

surely goodness and mercy...

i had a very real and honest conversation with someone. another coming out experience, and a positive one. during our conversation, i caught a glimpse of how broken we all are. and a thought came to me...

just as Christ's body was broken, Christ's body is broken.

we can pretend that we have it together and continue to outcast the people who we think are "sinners" while we ignore the fact we are all broken. the body is broken.

take this bread, eat. my body, broken...

surely...

last night i was asked to review the day and ask for God to show me where s/he was and where i missed God's presence. during the time of silent reflection, i reviewed seeing God in the trees, in the sound of rushing water, in the soft ferns, in the smell of rain, in the emotion i felt...

just as the time was about to end, a gentle prompting told me...

surely... God is in the boat.