sorrow

sorrow.

"may the love of jesus fill me as the waters fill the sea
that i may be calm to comfort sick and sorrowing"

i felt deep sorrow well up within me today. sorrow over relationships that have gone by the wayside, over mourning the loss of my precious grandmother and still missing her, over feeling stuck, stagnant....

i sat in my truck while the rain poured and the tears streamed down my face. i felt sorrow that made me feel as if i were going to throw up. i went inside and melted down. completely.

i have been taking care of a friend's cat, and this cat is so tiny but feisty. the past couple of days however, she has wanted attention. she was crying, so i picked her up and held her and she became content. i loved on her and sang to her and cried as i realized i feel like her, only there's noone to hold me, to sing to me... at least it doesn't feel like it... i can't hear God singing over me...

i contacted a couple of friends and told them i was sobbing uncontrollably. each encouraged me in her own beautiful way.

we need each other.

"there's joy in the strength during sorrow"

and it is hard to believe in that line which comes from a song i wrote this past week. but i needed to hear it.

i ran... hard.... and fast. and put on some loud music.

i sang the words to the top of my lungs...

"how long? will we wait?"
"your love frees me"
"all over me, your love is all over me"

i took the time to make a meal for myself and ate slowly.

sorrow. and then peace. and lamentations...

i'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison i've swallowed.
i remember it all—oh, how well i remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
but there's one other thing i remember,
and remembering, i keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
they're created new every morning.
how great your faithfulness!
i'm sticking with God (i say it over and over).
he's all i've got left. (Lamentations 3, The Message)

surely....

God is with me now.

in the sorrow.

naming me worthy and loved.

i remember the sorrow
i remember the sick feeling that i am alone.
i remember rock bottom.

but i remember love and possibility and community

and "the Love that will remain" and there...

my sorrow turns to joy.