pain

i was reminded today of pain i caused someone i love very deeply. you know who you are.

pain i caused because of my ability to be oblivious to others when i am hurting. pain i caused because, somehow, even when i least want to, i manage to damage where i mean to heal, to break when i mean to build, to show carelessness when i mean to show love.

it reminded me of the deep sadness and pain i felt during a few weeks. the hopelessness and despair. and how my own paralysis wounded those i care most about.

i am struggling now, since i have been reminded, to know what to do. i wish to say, "i am sorry and please forgive me and it isn't true that i don't love you or that i do not mean what i say. i do love you..." a thousand times over.

but i know that my words are nothing. instead, i am left with my own weight of guilt and regret and wishing i could go back in time.

but i cannot.

no one can.

i am wondering now, what my future holds. how i might change. how i might be better. if i really can love like i say i do. like i want to. like i believe i do, but somehow must not.

and yet must.

i am tired. and feeling a little anxious. moving in with family while i am transitioning into literally only God knows what where and whom it will be with.

i hope i can only love better and better.

and i hope, dear one, that you have forgiven me and know that i do love you. always.