"and then he came.
selah.
oh and it means
praise and meditation." - lauryn hill
(rest)
this will be my last post on blacksheep for i do not know how long. maybe forever. i do not know.
i am in need of rest. of a break.
i have been the "go to" for so long.
i have endured going to a school and being part of a community where i suffered in silence, heard hate, felt hate, heard fear, felt fear, grew afraid. i have been hurt, and it has been too recent.
i can't seem to shake it lately - the wounds inflicted by family, friends, and community when i was at lee and after i left. i can't seem to shake the anger and hurt that i do not hold a place there, not really, because i am gay.
i can't seem to shake it when i am constantly presented with our struggle, on the news, in the paper, in our search for what to do for protections, and on my paycheck and her health insurance bill.
i need rest.
i need to be silent.
i need to stop being the "go to" for a while.
i don't know how long.
i am putting aside my book, my blog, my speaking engagements.
i am broken, angry, and sad too often.
i am indignant and fiercely defensive of my beautiful marriage and of love.
i am tired.
i am exhausted.
i cannot fight this fight right now.
i do not even want to fight this fight right now. not in the way i have been.
i am so incredibly thankful for being the go to for so long.
i am thankful for my experiences in finding safety in places where it is hard to find. i am thankful for the strength and grace and wisdom i have grown in. i am thankful for the opportunities to talk to people - all people: the people who i have encouraged on their journey which is like mine. the people who have different views and think i am in sin. the people who changed their minds about how to respond and the people who did not.
i need to rest for a while. i need to put my hands in the earth and cultivate.
i need to write about other things.
i need to start playing the guitar and singing again.
i need to take brush to canvas and use nonverbal art to communicate.
i need to read.
i need to serve.
i need to spend time with family and friends.
i want to stop thinking about the struggle every hour of every day. i want to just enjoy life for a while.
i hope you all can respect that and pray for me and support me in that. the earliest i will be ready is the fall, but it may be a year or more. i need some time.
selah.
rest.
praise and meditation.
peace,
charity
addendum: i would like to add that i have also been incredibly thankful for the support of my parents and friends. and even friends' parents who have become friends. and friends who have become family. and of course - i am forever and always thankful for deanna, who is supporting me in this break. and i really needed that. she believes in me.
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