confession

it is the tail end of advent season. with this past sunday being the sunday of the angel. or peace sunday. or love sunday. all beautiful and wonderful names for one day of celebration for the ultimate beginning. for the very coming of Love and the peace on earth that Love brought and continues to bring.

it is christmastime. and i have been singing songs that declare the tidings of joy, of reconciliation, of emmanuel - the very God of the universe with us. it doesn't get any more mysterious, beautiful, or wonderful than that.

i have found myself thinking about confession more, as i have been confessing that Christ is Lord. through songs, hymns, recording projects, gifts, celebrations, love and relationship.

a few weeks ago, i spoke in chapel at the university i just graduated from. the one that forced me into silence through intimidation and shame. the one i strategically and miraculously rebelled against in small ways, through speaking anyway. through letting people know me anyway. through conversations and gentle corrections and sometimes passionate rebukes.

when i spoke, i spoke on confession. it was very brief, and conversational in tone. i'm not an expert.

i talked about confession in the context of love and relationship. about how true relationship means, as one church website put it, "forever saying we are sorry."

i talked about how confession in relationship also means confessing what is good, what is beautiful, and what is true.

i talked about how confession breaks through isolation, read a quote from dietrich bonhoeffer that says "sin would have a man (or a woman) alone..."

what i did not say, but would have if i had been safe to, is how important confession is for people like me. for gay people.

not because we are in sin.
but because we are so often alone.

being alone and living in shame leaves a scar.

my therapist said something to me a couple months ago that has stuck with me. he said, "charity, we are the only people group in the world that have to fight to feel good about loving who we love."

that fight to feel good has it's own weariness. and i have so often grown weary and tired.

last night, i had a dream that has become all too familiar to me. it is a recurring dream. a dream about trying to hide something shameful and dirty. but being forced to put it in the open where everyone can see it... last night, the dream was more intense than ever.

i know where it comes from. it comes from hiding a part of me i was once ashamed of. even though i am coming out more and more everyday, and even though i now see the lesbian part of me as beautiful and wonderfully made: i still live in the effects of years of shame. i still bear the scar of secrecy and loneliness. of silence rather than confession.

i have also found wonderful healing and great joy in sharing, in confessing all of who i am. in sharing in my joy of loving someone who is also a woman. in speaking about the type of partnership i want to have. in talking about my unique perspective.

i have experienced being loved. and i have listened to repentant friends and colleagues say "i am sorry" for words and actions which they did not know hurt me. many times, we both received love and forgiveness and celebrated reconciliation with one another.

in order for reconciliation to occur, confession must be present.

confession makes room for healing and connection for ourselves and for our relationships and community.

we, who are gay or lesbian must confess/share who we are. there must be communities of safety and love where we experience the freedom to do this. to confess our love. to confess our experience. to confess the things that have wounded us and to confess the ways in which we have sometimes failed to love or be loved.

we, who are the church must confess our transgressions. we must strive to create communities of safety and love where everyone gay or straight can experience the freedom of truly being known and loved. we must confess our love. and confess the things that get in the way of our love. and ask for forgiveness for the wounds we have caused and for our failures to love or be loved.

we all must live a confessional life together. in true relationship. have difficult conversations and thus take our relationships with one another to a deeper and more intimate level as a community and body. we must confess, together, the truth and beauty of love and faith. confess, together, that Love conquers all. that Love is the reason. that we carry that Love in us.

when we creatively live a confessional life together, the floodgates of love and justice will pour out in hope and peace.

the bindings of secrecy and shame will be broken, and the chains will begin to fall off of us all - the oppressed and the oppressors.

sharp tongues will learn gentleness and will drip with correcting love instead of hatred and bigotry.

the lonely will find a warm embrace and the afraid will find shelter.

and the advent of christ will continue through us. bringing his mustard seed kingdom in the now but not yet, invading the way we have known life without really living. and growing and infiltrating the spaces of silence until a resounding chorus builds into echoes of mercy, forgiveness, hope and Love

in everlasting joy and peace.

may it ever be so.

out

hi,

my name is charity. and i love jesus. i pray i leave the fragrance of God everywhere i go. that people see God's love more than they see me.

my name is charity. and i am a lesbian. i love women. i have had the great joy of loving someone who is the same gender as me, even if we aren't together in that way now. one day, i will commit to one other woman as my life partner. and i will love her fully.

my name is charity. and i am reconciliation. i am change. i am hope. i am love.

my name is charity. i'm loved. and i'm hiding less and less. and i am loved. so loved.

i'm coming out... in the process...

and i'm shutting that closet door for good.

silence

yes, i have been silent lately.

it is reflective, because, honestly friends...

i am unsure of what to say.

i hurt so deeply. i want to give up.

i know i can't.

a friend gave me a card and thanked me for being real, for my authenticity.
i can't give up.

i'm less than 2 weeks away from freedom from the institution which keeps me silent. silences me. and i will be leaving it knowing i have not been completely silent. that i have touched lives. that i have brought change. that i am leaving it better than i found it.

then i will be silent for a moment. so i can hear the sound of out. the sound of no forced secrets. the sound of me.

value(s)

i was thinking last night about an argument against gay marriage
the statement that the majority of people in the united states of america are against it
and the second statement that usually follows
the one that goes something like, "america was founded on judeo-christian values"

i was thinking about some problems i have with this line of thought

it is a sad world when a majority in-power group dictates the rights and freedoms of the not-in-power minority.
it is an even sadder world when those who profess to follow Christ join in the discrimination and contribute to the error.
especially when Christ challenged authority figures more than he challenged anyone...
even prostitutes and tax collectors...

he certainly didn't challenge women for being women. even though they were not in power. even though they were considered less than. even though their rights and freedoms were limited by the in-power group.

instead, he elevated them...

Christ did that a lot actually... elevated the people who most of society considered riff-raff, ragamuffins, to borrow a term from brennan manning. some of these people he elevated were sick. some of them were in deep sin, living lives that wounded themselves and others. some of them were simply born the "wrong" gender.

i say all of this because i realize non-gay people tend to put us in one of the above categories. some believe we are sick and just need treatment or healing to become non-gay. some people think we choose to live a lifestyle of sin, while others think we are prone to a sinful nature but do not have to act on it. some believe we were just born this way.

for those who profess to follow Christ, i humbly submit a request to please follow his example. that the judeo-christian value is valuing others. to give value to those who are different than us. to those who have not been valued. to elevate them. no matter which category they are perceived to be in.

it's christian duty. to value. and never to use "values" as a tool for oppression. that is devaluing.

here i am, typing all of this on a computer at an institution that stands against me. an institution that claims to be a place where Christ is king.

certainly, Christ is king. he is king of those of us who are broken. king of us outcasts.

for we who are black sheep,
he
is
our
shepherd...

i wish for Christ's kingdom to be made known. so that we are valued. for the body to begin to value. and elevate.

what if lesbian and gay people were loved, cherished, and respected by the church? what if the church led the fight for equality and condemned hate instead of staying silent or perpetuating it through the church's own brand of hatred?

i know this might seem like an optimistic, against all possibility hope beyond hope...
but i don't think so.

if the very God of the universe can touch a leper,
my professor who uses the word "flamer" in class can hug a gay person.

if the One who is able to keep us from falling can have lunch with a tax collector or let a prostitute wash his feet and wipe them with her hair,
my classmate who says "God made adam and eve not adam and steve" can share a meal with a lesbian... (and some of them have without knowing it).

if Jesus chose mary magdalene as a disciple,
the president of my university can listen to me or people like me with an open heart and mind

i pray for that day. i wait and hope.
i have to keep believing.

surely...

goodness and mercy

and love, the ultimate value, will win.

embrace

this morning, i feel a sense of urgency
urgency to rise from ashes
to take off the torn rags
to sing once again
to run

urgency to embrace who i am
more fully
more passionately
more publicly

i'm limited in how out i can be
because of my place of work

but a simple step struck me this morning

ever since i began this blog,
i have been known on here by my first initial (C.)
and then the description: A Black Sheep

it is important to note that i still feel like a black sheep
and i will certainly continue to write here and work toward reconciliation and justice for my communities - all of them.
but if you look back on old posts, you will see a post called "name"
those of you who know me, know what a pivotal moment that was for me.
and now for a new moment.

this moment, i will embrace that name
love
and yes, i still identify with the oppressed
my heart still bleeds and longs for true relationship to form across the divides

only now when i sign my name,
it will be the name God, Love named me

my name is love...
and i am so loved...

live creatively (in part :: the second)

we often talk about about wanting to change the world. the truth is that we all change the world every day, for better or for worse. we do it in little actions, in little omissions. in the things we say, and in the things we do not say.

words to a friend (with a small edit for my writer's ego). but words to us all.

i go further in my thoughts as i reflect on words of wisdom i find hard to believe came from me.

i think about how every morning, there is newness and possibility. i think about how we make little decisions throughout the day, and how every thing we do affects someone else. the coffee i drink affects the retailer, the roaster, the farmer. the people who live near the farm.

it is like chaos theory, like the butterfly effect. constantly.

and so we must live creatively. to do the creative best with what we have.

this weekend, i had hoped to be a part of a coming out/solidarity service organized by a dear friend and co-journeyer. though i am unable to go and participate in person, i will be cheering her on from a distance. and participating through support and love and finding creative ways to do so.

let every decision i make, every little action and every omission, every word and every silence change the world for good. so that justice will flow like a mighty river. beginning with this vessel of peace. and may you, too. and may we be unstoppable forces for creative living and change.

live creatively (in part: the first)

i am so incredibly tired.

i am tired of “fighting the good fight.” of forgiving. of being patient. of sacrifice.

i’m tired of pain. tired of a broken heart which has been shattered like window panes assaulted by stones. i’m tired of the anger, the frustration, the failure. of the pain in my chest, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat.

i am weary.

tonight, i thought of a verse… do not grow weary in doing good. i was thinking about how weary i am of being good. how weary i am of seeing other people reap the benefits of my goodness while i am alone. i feel selfish saying it, but it is true.

then i looked up the verse in galatians 6, and more hot tears filled my eyes.

from “the message”…

^1-3 live creatively, friends. if someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. you might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. share their burdens, and so complete christ's law. if you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

^4-5make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don't be impressed with yourself. don't compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

⁶be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.

^7-8don't be misled: no one makes a fool of god. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring god!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he'll have to show for his life is weeds! but the one who plants in response to god, letting god's spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

^9-10so let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

i needed this. tonight. on september 29, 2010 around 7 pm. i needed it.

i want to live more creatively. maybe that is the answer.

god, oh, god… i need you now.