embrace

this morning, i feel a sense of urgency
urgency to rise from ashes
to take off the torn rags
to sing once again
to run

urgency to embrace who i am
more fully
more passionately
more publicly

i'm limited in how out i can be
because of my place of work

but a simple step struck me this morning

ever since i began this blog,
i have been known on here by my first initial (C.)
and then the description: A Black Sheep

it is important to note that i still feel like a black sheep
and i will certainly continue to write here and work toward reconciliation and justice for my communities - all of them.
but if you look back on old posts, you will see a post called "name"
those of you who know me, know what a pivotal moment that was for me.
and now for a new moment.

this moment, i will embrace that name
love
and yes, i still identify with the oppressed
my heart still bleeds and longs for true relationship to form across the divides

only now when i sign my name,
it will be the name God, Love named me

my name is love...
and i am so loved...

live creatively (in part :: the second)

we often talk about about wanting to change the world. the truth is that we all change the world every day, for better or for worse. we do it in little actions, in little omissions. in the things we say, and in the things we do not say.

words to a friend (with a small edit for my writer's ego). but words to us all.

i go further in my thoughts as i reflect on words of wisdom i find hard to believe came from me.

i think about how every morning, there is newness and possibility. i think about how we make little decisions throughout the day, and how every thing we do affects someone else. the coffee i drink affects the retailer, the roaster, the farmer. the people who live near the farm.

it is like chaos theory, like the butterfly effect. constantly.

and so we must live creatively. to do the creative best with what we have.

this weekend, i had hoped to be a part of a coming out/solidarity service organized by a dear friend and co-journeyer. though i am unable to go and participate in person, i will be cheering her on from a distance. and participating through support and love and finding creative ways to do so.

let every decision i make, every little action and every omission, every word and every silence change the world for good. so that justice will flow like a mighty river. beginning with this vessel of peace. and may you, too. and may we be unstoppable forces for creative living and change.

live creatively (in part: the first)

i am so incredibly tired.

i am tired of “fighting the good fight.” of forgiving. of being patient. of sacrifice.

i’m tired of pain. tired of a broken heart which has been shattered like window panes assaulted by stones. i’m tired of the anger, the frustration, the failure. of the pain in my chest, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat.

i am weary.

tonight, i thought of a verse… do not grow weary in doing good. i was thinking about how weary i am of being good. how weary i am of seeing other people reap the benefits of my goodness while i am alone. i feel selfish saying it, but it is true.

then i looked up the verse in galatians 6, and more hot tears filled my eyes.

from “the message”…

^1-3 live creatively, friends. if someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. you might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. share their burdens, and so complete christ's law. if you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

^4-5make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don't be impressed with yourself. don't compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

⁶be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.

^7-8don't be misled: no one makes a fool of god. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring god!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he'll have to show for his life is weeds! but the one who plants in response to god, letting god's spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

^9-10so let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

i needed this. tonight. on september 29, 2010 around 7 pm. i needed it.

i want to live more creatively. maybe that is the answer.

god, oh, god… i need you now.

finds me

with the new day i am realizing a wonderful and terrible truth that terrifies me.

we cannot escape love.

everytime i try, i am drawn in once again.

when i feel like putting my hands up in surrender, i find it's love that has me captive.

in the moments when i fall from weariness

it's love that catches me.

in the darkness,

it's love that gives me my bearings.

when i rebel

it's love that disciplines me.

when i run,

love pursues me.

and when i am lost,

love finds me.

clearing of the trees

i feel like my world is falling apart. but maybe it should. maybe i need to build a new world.

yesterday, i went for a walk in the woods. many of the trees there had been cut down. i wondered about hope for them. and struggled with the tension of preventing forest fires by clearing some of the land and my desire for preserving trees that were centuries old. i touched the stump of a great red oak. i felt like crying.

i found a beautiful clearing in a boulder field. natural wonders. i wanted to stay and i thought about walden and thoreau and other examples of living simply. i thought about how i could do something similar in that spot. i thought about how connected i want to be with creation, with the natural world.

i wondered if i should remove myself from people for a bit. i figured out how much i long for relationships. i figured out how much i do to fit in. i figured out how much i do because i think it will win approval and respect. i thought about how i am not that person.

today, everything is in a whirlpool, swirling in the depths, and i can't swim. i'm drowning.
everything is in a whirlwind. it is in a funnel cloud. and i cannot fly. i'm falling.

i feel like i am reaching for something to hold on to, but i don't know what to grab.
i don't even know where i've been or who i've been.

all i know is that i loved.
for better or worse. and i fear the worst.

all i know is i am shaken. because i, who have been so full of love, and named love
have in my efforts to love
failed.

i am at a loss. i don't know what to do or say. i cannot make this better. and i know it.
it is an uncomfortable knowing, to be so fallible.

i feel like a fool. who had everyone fooled.

i feel like retreating. but i know not when where or how.

i am stuck.

maybe everything needed to be cut down. even the things i thought were beautiful. was i deceived? did i deceive? myself? others? was i just misguided? was i even wrong at all? or was i right? does it matter now?

maybe i need to have a clearing. so i can change my life. so i can work for good.

have i been working for good? or have i been working for evil?

how am i to know? i thought i was working for good... i was so sure of it...
now, i am not.

all i talk about and say is love. because it is the one thing i know is true. but today, i am making the decision to believe in it because it doesn't feel so natural right now. but i have to believe in love. because Love is all i have and all i am. i am nothing without it. without Love Loveself.

i'm holding on, nails dug into the rock face.

trying to regain a place to stand. a place to speak and live love.

and i am breathing. wondering, silently, if i will fall.

unsettled

tonight i am thinking about an exodus... i don't know if i will leave or not. but i know it is time for a change. something is being renewed and it is time for some transition and change.

i need to exit the world of academia, the world of evangelical extremism/terrorism, the world of the south, the world of hate...

today, i was walking to my truck and a hawk flew into a tree about 25 feet in front of me. when i got to the tree, i stood under it and just looked up til i spotted her. i looked her in the eyes for a while and just watched her... it took my breath away.

last thursday night, a beautiful person i love beyond my understanding was upset and i held her for a couple minutes and it touched my heart in a way that it still isn't the same. and it wrecked me and healed me all at once...

that same night, i talked with a room full of 18 yr old girls about the experience of being a woman and about what it means to let down our guards, go deeper, and relate to one another...

even later that night, i wrote a lullaby for that dear friend i held, and i have been singing it ever since...

those are the worlds i want to live in.

the ache is deep and growing deeper...

and i am more and more restless and unsettled...

renewal

i am still working through recent happenings and conversations. there have been rifts, and there have been reconciliations. i have had my hand held during difficult moments. and i have been able to hold someone in hers.

this morning i awoke and soon heard the sound of rain on my roof.

it makes me think of washing away impurities. on this beautiful new day morning.

the word in my mind is renewal. and i am seeing it in every area of my life.

renewal is a process and a moment all in one.

a series of new beginnings and a shift in direction.

a re-creation.

i am thankful for the renewals in my life. the ones that have come out of good and the ones that have come out of me trying to make sense of good in the midst of evil and pain.

there is a renewal of love.

love for God.
love for others.
love for me.
love for life.

there is a renewal of the spirit to spread renewal.

and with every drop of rain i hear and every breath i take in, i feel my soul renewed and energized to go out and change the world around me. for better. and for love. and for Love.