surely

"surely goodness and mercy shall follow me..." ps 23

this weekend i had the opportunity to retreat and focus on spiritual formation. in one of the sessions, psalm 23 was read and i was surprised by the impact i felt in the depths of my soul as i heard the words "i shall not want..." and "restores my soul"... then, "paths of righteousness"... followed by "my cup runs over" ending with a word that stuck with me in a constant tension that i still feel...

"surely"

i have a lot of thoughts tonight after a weekend of being silent and listening to what God is telling me. i also have realized that i don't share as much as i'd like, so i am opening the door a little more.

i realized that the word surely doesn't sit right with me. in my journal, i wrote out:
it doesn't feel true. surely? my cup feels empty, the pastures are barren, and the waters are turbulent. i don't like the looks of the paths. i don't think i trust You. not right now.

i am wanting (deeply longing for) love
i need restoration
i need direction
i feel empty
i'm unsure of my future

surely?

my heart aches to love someone intimately and deeply in partnership... i am falling in love with someone i shouldn't. i am trying to focus on loving the people around me the best i can. i feel so incredibly alone.

i realized this weekend, a very ugly truth... that my longing for romantic love is greater than it should be, and at times, has been and is a false deity i bow down to and revere far beyond what it deserves. it's hard not to delete this line.

i took clay in my hands and walked to where i could look over the water... surely... i repeated the word in quiet whispers which echoed in my soul and seemed to bound across the cold and still water, and off the rocky face of a great evergreen laden hill, only to return in the noise of the falls powered by a recent rain.

surely...

shivering, i went inside and the clay became warmer in my hands and began to take form. after much kneading, digging, smoothing... i held a small clay boat with two seats inside. i looked at it. i don't trust the waters. i have no oars or life preserver. the waters are rough, and i can't swim. i'm alone and afraid.

surely goodness and mercy...

i had a very real and honest conversation with someone. another coming out experience, and a positive one. during our conversation, i caught a glimpse of how broken we all are. and a thought came to me...

just as Christ's body was broken, Christ's body is broken.

we can pretend that we have it together and continue to outcast the people who we think are "sinners" while we ignore the fact we are all broken. the body is broken.

take this bread, eat. my body, broken...

surely...

last night i was asked to review the day and ask for God to show me where s/he was and where i missed God's presence. during the time of silent reflection, i reviewed seeing God in the trees, in the sound of rushing water, in the soft ferns, in the smell of rain, in the emotion i felt...

just as the time was about to end, a gentle prompting told me...

surely... God is in the boat.

harriet

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."
- Harriet Tubman

...some powerful words from this morning's talk at church... i'm sitting in my room on a rainy day feeling ultimately alone. i feel forgotten and ignored. i feel frustrated and irritable. i feel a deep sadness within me that seems to course through my vessels with every painful breath and heartbeat.

will i ever have the chance to fully live out who i am?

or will i be forced to hide forever under the shadow of "christians" who are" holier" than i?

i have a dream. sometimes, though, i forget that within this weak, impatient, apathetic soul is strength, patience, and passion.

i've let some dreams reach the emergency stage where breath must be breathed into them.

now. now is my chance. my chance to let the dream live. my chance to realize that one person can walk to freedom and lead others to do the same...

we can be free. we shall overcome.

all of the injustice. all of the hate. all of the division.

let all our sad divisions cease.

deep in my heart. i do believe.

love. will. overcome. someday.

too little too late

i fear that actions are too little... too late.

uganda. hatred. incarnate. evil.

legislature. politics. majority rule. unjust.

recently, "the church" released and signed the manhattan declaration. opposing gay marriage and defiantly stating they will not recognize gay couples as "married."

now this week, a condemnation of the ugandan kill bill. some of the same signatures stating that gay and lesbian brothers and sisters are worthy of respect and love...

well, thank you...

prove it.

where were you when matthew shephard was killed? why were you more concerned that your ability to preach against homosexuality would be squashed instead of being concerned that gay and lesbian people are being singled out and attacked, beaten, killed. why? how contradictory and uninclusive is your theology? how absent is your love?

where were you when prop 8 was passed and families faced the threat of being torn apart? oh yeah, you were holding picket signs and condemning "us." you are "them."

i fear. i fear. i fear.

i'm angry. and hurt.

why are leaders only just now acting, just now making a statement... when the threat becomes immediate and the gay people are on the other side of the world. when will you love your gay neighbors who are living right beside you? are they not also worthy of respect and love?

or are you paying lipservice? just trying to prevent another holocaust? you can stomach them as long as they stay away from you and your pristine chapels.

and i look from inside the church... what about those outside the church? what do they see?

we
have
to
do
more.

now. not later.
now.

perfect love.
casts out fear.
love. love. love.

name

today a good friend of mine said something that stopped me in my tracks... it had the power to change me; to break me and put me back together again in a new way. today, he said:
"God wants to name you. He already has named you. Maybe we need to step back and listen."

there is a heaviness inside today as i am battling against attractions that would only lead to heartache, against the feeling i will always be alone, against the belief that i am unloved and unlovable. a few hours after hearing my friend's words, i found myself grocery shopping and becoming more and more uncomfortable with every step i took. i felt hot tears sting my eyes as i saw an old woman without any teeth and was overcome with the realization that she is so loved. i could feel life and love welling up within me as a kid stood behind me in the check out line and made small conversation with me. he is so loved.

i drove home without really noticing what was on the radio, put the groceries away and came face to face with the realization that i feel empty inside. another dear friend posed a question today as she asked "what are you asking alcohol to do for you?" last night, i prayed, talked to a couple of friends, and once alone, asked a cigarette to make me feel better about myself; to help me relax and think more clearly; to help me escape from the pain and the loneliness. all it gave me was a bad aftertaste in my mouth and a sore throat that's still lingering. it didn't make me feel loved. it didn't make me feel more ok with myself. it made me ashamed of the stench in my hair, the potential yellowing of my teeth, and the health issues i may be causing.

as i put away the soy milk and the bags of pasta, i started pondering on this thought of being named by God. i wondered what God would call me, how my name would sound in her/his voice. i immediately thought, God did not name me "lesbian," just as God did not name you "straight" or "heterosexual." i thought about the idea of gay identity and began to question if the reason people identify themselves by their sexuality is because the Church has already done it for them, and the lgbt individuals have just embraced it. what straight couple or individual has been identified by the church as "heterosexual" because of their love for someone of the opposite sex? who has been labeled because of their love?

last night, i met with a friend who is holding me accountable and sat across from her at a picnic table. i confessed my sins and temptations to her and told her how ashamed and guilty i feel. i told her i wonder if i am a fraud. i told her i wonder if i am unlovable. i was terrified by the intensity in her eyes as she met me with a love that could and did crush the walls around me. she extended grace and true friendship to me as she held me accountable. i knew at least in my head, that in her eyes... i am so loved.

i'm nervous i will be found out. some people do not and have not kept the secrets i have confided in them. nevertheless, come what may, i am ready to move forward. i must be. tonight, i felt a new energy, a new source, a new spring of love and life within me.

i silently prayed and then listened as i finished putting away the coffee creamer, and i asked to know my name. a well of emotion came to my throat as i realized i have always known my name... my name is love... and for those of you who know me, you know how literal this is... i also felt the heart of God say to me that furthermore, my name is loved. and i am her/his beloved.

God says to me, "c... be loved."

God says the same to you. God says the same to gay men with aids. God says the same to angry church people who yell at abortion clinics. God says the same to the girl who is walking in to the clinic. God says the same to the pastor with the pornography addiction. God says the same to the homeless lesbian teen who got kicked out of her home. God says the same to her family who cannot show love to their own daughter. God says be loved and that we are all so loved.

how different would we live if we lived out our names? what has God named you?
forgiven? remembered? seen? understood? reborn? loved? ..._________...?

what if we treated each other as God has named us? what if we treated each other as loved? remembered? forgiven? seen? understood? or reborn? or __________?

my name is love. i am loved. i am to love. and i am finding joy which i have not felt in ages.

a few months ago, i asked "dear God, do you love me?" while looking at a starry sky. yes. s/he loves me. more than i'll ever understand... when i realize it and when i think that love has failed.

my name is love.

introductions...

i am really frustrated right now, and cannot concentrate on the reading i need to do. i am sick of people talking about the issue, the problem, and the argument. my identity is in Christ, and part of my identity is that i am a Christian (big part), and a lesbian woman (small part). in that order. sure, it will need to be sorted out more, and i will work through what that means to me in future posts... but for now, i need to get something straight, even though i am sure i am preaching to the choir... so share this blog if you will, or at least the ideas in it if it helps someone move beyond "issues" to people...

let me introduce you to lesbianism, homosexuality, gayness...

the "label" you have seen, the "issue" you have argued over, the "problem" and "enemy" of society.

she is a person.

she is a woman, a student, a friend, a sister and daughter.

she is very much like you.

she loves and strives to love more selflessly. she dreams of loving someone else completely, to give herself to her and to work with her to make the world a place where God's kingdom is revealed more and more each day.

she believes: that Christ heals, Christ calls, Christ is. love.

she walks on two feet.

she eats and drinks and breathes in air.

she needs to exercise more.

she prays.

she has a corny sense of humor and she seeks knowledge and wisdom.

she cries. she gets angry. she feels misunderstood.

she hurts. but she doesn't use her hurt to hurt others.

she bleeds. blood. red. like yours.

she hides. for fear of retaliation, nonacceptance and bigotry.

she fears. loneliness. loss. injustice.

she works. she writes. she listens. and weighs the costs, the arguments, and the words.

she loves. she loves. she loves.

she's me. i'm her. and i'm more. much more.

love

love.

complicated. beautiful. wonderful. tragic.

love.

simply. irrevocably. desperately. painfully.

love.

clinging. ringing. singing. bringing.

love.

for you. for me. for us. for them.

love.

through. above. beneath. around.

love.

see. breathe. sieve. be.

love.

world changers

i'm going to change the world.

i'm starting to believe more and more that it is possible.

i am believing more in love. and love's power to heal.

i am finding peace in christ and hope in my identity in christ.

i am accepting and learning better how to love my self.

i am allowing feelings that scare me. allowing thoughts that unnerve me. allowing futures that require me

to move. move beyond. everything. i have known.

i can't change the world. i am going to change the world. with you. with Christ. for Christ and for souls.

it matters. matters to me. matters to them. to the broken, forgotten, and hated. it matters.

what have i been doing til now? what am i doing now? why?

waiting... in motion. preparation.

sabbath.

then go.

it's going to happen. we are going to change things. we have so far to go. it matters.

move.

beyond anything. that holds us back. beyond what we've known.

move. dance. together. love. love. love. now.