Wednesday, May 9, 2012

speak

a very brief word.

i love north carolina.

that's why it hurts.

and let us not forget that there are very many wonderful people in north carolina who love lgbt people. many wonderful people in north carolina who speak out against discrimination.

the temptation is to speak hatred back.

but what does that do?

how does it make us look? like those who do not understand or who do hate us want to paint a picture of us?

we cannot afford to label everyone in the state as a bigot, a redneck, a hick, or an incestuous homophobe. because it just isn't true. and we know it.

we know how it feels to be labeled.

let us not speak words of hatred and labeling today.

let us speak love and hope instead.

someone will hear us. no matter what we say.

i love north carolina. and i'm hurt by what has happened and by some of the words of hatred i have heard.

but i love north carolina. and i hope that love will be heard.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

one

i would be lying to you if i told you that my heart doesn't hurt, that my confidence hasn't wavered, that my blood has not boiled.

all in reading a simple word in a status... "passed."

following two other words: "amendment one."

today i couldn't even bear to listen to the radio because of the news reports about the measure and the vote and the likelihood that voters would vote for it. and that the word would be written into the state of north carolina's constitution.

i don't live in north carolina.

it's a state that i have loved since i was a child and visited chimney rock and grandfather mountain with my family. it's a state that my partner loves and where she went to art school. it's somewhere where we thought we might have a home one day. it's where we had planned to take our honeymoon in october.

i have some reflections, and i warn you, i have been deep in thought nearly all day on a variety of issues, so i may digress or repeat myself. however, since i just read the news that this amendment passed, i want to be as open and unedited with you all as possible with keeping at least some coherence. (this means i did not delete what came out - even the ugly)

first, it feels like a punch in the stomach. really, it does. to hear of one more state where we can't.

it's been difficult in our home lately, trying to figure out what the hell we are going to do about health insurance.  it weighs on my mind on top of everything else like the stories my clients tell me, the grocery list, my student debt, my health... we are going to have to work our butts off to just be legally recognized enough to see each other if one of us is hospitalized.

second, even hearing these stories, knowing there is a vote... can you imagine if your marriage were on trial? if hundreds and thousands and more all wanted to have their own say about it? how hurtful and messed up would that feel? my heart has hurt time and again.

third, it's sick how quickly people rise up against this and how little is being done or said about child abuse and domestic violence. i'll say something to this here, too... child abuse is not the fault of the LGBT community. and we will not be scapegoated for it, or for the failure of heterosexual marriages, or any other ailment of the family unit. and if the Church and people outside the church who truly care would mobilize in this way to stand against child abuse, to rebuke greed, to care for the sick - we might not be in such a mess as we are in.

lastly, i refuse to stop believing in hope. hope that deanna and i might one day have rights which would allow us legal recognition. hope that there are way more people who care. hope that there are many more voices in the church, who even if they think that "homosexual behavior is a sin", there are people who went to bat for us. people who stand up and speak for us and with us and to as human beings and neighbors.

so i refuse to give up. i refuse to believe anything other than that love will ultimately win. and if that is a pollyanna way of looking at things, then call me pollyanna. but i know that this is going to be a process, and a mess, but it will have beautiful moments. and we still have legs. love still has legs. and we will walk. and we will remember and be thankful. and we will be one.