The Good Shepherd

i found new insight on a verse i've read but never really noticed. i know jesus was talking about the gentiles, but i can't help but think he had all of his "black sheep" in mind...


"I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. In the same way, the Father knows me and I know the Father. I put the sheep before myself, sacrificing myself if necessary. You need to know that I have other sheep in addition to those in this pen. I need to gather and bring them, too. They'll also recognize my voice. Then it will be one flock, one Shepherd."

John 10 – The Message

a random update

so... this is random and short. i am busy with finishing up some course work and don't have much time to write. i am doing a project on sexuality and spiritual struggles. the books i am reading have been interesting, engaging, thoughtful, extremely provocative, and have given me new ideas to reflect on that i may decide to display on here so that i can converse with others (essentially: you) about these theories and view points. in all of this though, i have noticed something... there are resources and books available, but nearly everything i have found (actually everything i found, but i am sure i should leave room) has been written by men - gay men. where are the lesbians who have a voice to contribute to the topics of spirituality and morality? hmmm... i really need to write this book, and it's in progress. hopefully, i will get to resume as soon as i'm done with summer classes... so i better get back to work. peace, love, and hope.

- C

loss and love

i know i have been silent of late. sometimes silence is what speaks the most clearly. in silence we hear pain, preoccupation, sadness, and reflection. we can hear exuberance, enjoying life, breathing in beauty, and appreciation. i am afraid my absence and silence has been one like the former. i have felt pain and sadness in depths i did not know were possible to reach. i have been preoccupied with mourning and reflecting-pondering my life and its meaning. my heart has yet to heal from pain of loving someone who does not feel the same toward me. it has been up and down and i am afraid our friendship has suffered because of my honesty and forthrightness. but that pain was nothing to the dagger which pierced my heart at 3:00 on a friday afternoon in june. i lost her. my grandmother. someone who believed in me more than anyone else. someone who loved me. someone who was proud of me. someone who did not know the secret i have been hiding - a piece of who i am, a big piece. yet i know that it was best to keep it from her.

this is one of the most difficult losses i have faced. while processing and trying to understand the suddenness, the stinging absence of goodbyes, the plans to visit the next week, and the depth and intensity of the pain, i was able to learn more about the why of mourning. i lost a little bit of love coming my way. i lost one hug, one singing call on my birthday, one "i love you", one fan of me and everything i do... as the losses pile up, there is a bankruptcy of belief which is building inside of me - belief in myself, belief in the goodness, belief in the beauty...

but also in the loss, there is a new hug, a reconnection, a new "i love you", an extra phone call, a card in the mail, one supporter of me and everything i am feeling and experiencing... as the friends show up and continue to check in even weeks later, the deficit is shrinking inside of me - and i believe in love, in friendship, in goodness and beauty...

i never have been one to actually be good at living each day as if it were my last. a new thought came to me today. what if i lived everyday as if it were your last? my friend's last? my family's last? that girl who is hurting: her last? what if we all lived that way?

sometimes when i am out in public i get paranoid and wonder if i am naked in front of everyone - if they know i am a lesbian. if they can see who i am and who i love. are they looking at me in a malicious way? last week, i was at the grocery store and a woman who was probably in her late 50s passed me by and smiled. not just any smile. i felt like she loved me. she doesn't know me, and i don't know her. but, she loved me anyway.

this might not seem like it is on the topic of reconciliation and hope for the lesbian and gay community and the church. but i think it is exactly what we need to be talking about. it's this kind of love and appreciation for life that will heal us. it's realizing that i want to love that way. i want other people to see my smile and feel loved. i want to live my life as if it is your last day. i want to add beauty and goodness and hope and peace to the places where there has been a deficit of faith and an abundance of pain. i want to inspire and teach others to do the same. i want to change the world. my world. your world. the world we create together. the real kingdom of god that jesus talked about and lived- made up of the most marginalized and hated people in society.

love. love. love. gather. create. hope. believe. have mercy. give grace. establish peace. act justly. draw in. inspire. love. love. love.